


The Women

by ThyDeviousViolet



Series: "The Women" Universe [2]
Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, Backstory, Character Study, Drama & Romance, Future Fic, Multi, Non-Linear Narrative, Worth Re-Reading
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-13
Updated: 2015-08-13
Packaged: 2018-04-14 14:03:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 18
Words: 58,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4567302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThyDeviousViolet/pseuds/ThyDeviousViolet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All those years ago, he was a husband and a father. After the chaos, he became a lover. Eventually, he became a devoted guardian. Cover Joel's past, present, and future while we discover the journey of his character development. Non-linear story line. JoelxEllie development in late chapters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lies and Promises (Present Day)

**Author's Note:**

> This story was posted, over the course of a year, to the FanFiction website. It garnered quite a bit of attention, and some very thoughtful reviews, which I did not know were even possible there. 
> 
> To suddenly post the work here, in its entirety without the slow building process that usually comes with large stories, I know this story may not acquire as much attention. It is a long story, so I almost felt bad for immediately overwhelming everyone here with 58,000+ words right off the bat. However, I wanted to post it because it is sure to reach new readers, and I felt it was wrong not to shift all my work. 
> 
> There are points in the story where I will address specific reviewers from the FanFic website, so do not be alarmed. (Just in case you assumed that I was addressing invisible reviewers on this website...I did not want to be perceived as crazy or comment hungry! I have seen people like that, and it was somewhat off-putting).
> 
> Thanks for reading, everyone :)

* * *

Without even a blink, Joel's eyes penetrated into Ellie's with an intensity they had never shared before that moment.

"I swear," he promised, and would not allow even a pause for her to see right through the lie he had conjured.

The silence between them was loud.

"...Okay..." she replied, with a face so ambiguous that Joel feared her reply.

After a long moment of looking into one another, Ellie nodded, and Joel quickly turned around to continue toward Tommy's settlement. Guilt twisted inside his stomach in violent agony, and yet his face remained hardened on the outside. Ellie's light footsteps sounded farther behind him than he was typically accustomed to, and on any other day he would have demanded that she stay on his ass. But, now, he could not have been more relieved to be alone with his thoughts.

A slew of contradictions raced within his mind: Why had he essentially obliterated the only hope for mankind's return to normalcy?  _It don't matter...after all we been through, I couldn't let her down._  What if Ellie would have preferred to die for the good of the cause...?  _No...that...that ain't a decision for a little girl to make._  Who was to say that Joel was the one solely responsible for Ellie's decisions anyway?  _I ain't her daddy._ And what if Ellie would have preferred to die than to spend her days doing God only knows what to survive in a terrible world?  _Maybe she woulda been better off at peace with herself in death._

Most importantly, however, Joel understood his rationality to the core of the issue, although it bothered him more than he would admit to himself. To put it bluntly, Joel could not fathom a life worth living had she not been around. There was also no possible way he would have that on his conscience, and he knew that the loss of her life would truly send him into a bleak veil of dread that could only be escaped by the "easy way out".

A man could only take so much sadness in one lifetime.

So, when he acted out of selfish desire, it did not feel to him that he had saved her life, because his reasons were not for her well-being alone. And, God forbid she ever realize what he had done for her, then to realize that he had lied to her face all along. Ellie did not enjoy her dependence on Joel, much to his humor at times, but she hated dishonesty most.

But, he had killed Marlene...and with it, he killed the secret of his actions.

If it meant saving Ellie from the whirlwind of agony that awaited at the end of the truth, he would hide behind his lie for the rest of his life. She meant that much to him.

"Joel..." she called from behind, and interrupted his thoughts. He turned around slowly, and tried to wipe the obvious despair from his face.

"What now, Ellie?" he demanded with impatience, as he still recovered from the blatant lie he had just told in the heat of their moment, although he was sure that she would interpret it as annoyance toward her constant chatter.

"I just wanted to say...I'm...glad that after all this I'm still with you. You never let me down," she expressed, eyes filled with an innocence that melted his heart. As he considered her words, he took a deep breath, and then closed his eyes.  _Ignorance is bliss, Joel, you just keep on telling that to yourself and don't ruin this for her_.

"...You know, you might be a pain in my ass, but I'm sure as hell glad I'm still with you, too," he said after a long pause, in an attempt to salvage what was left of his sanity. Perhaps if he could lighten the mood, he could deal with his guilt alone at some other time. A brilliant smile painted Ellie's face, and Joel could not help but have a small smile form at the corner of his lips.

"Hey, because we're past all the difficult stuff now, does this mean I'll get more sarcasm out of you? I kind of hope so, because sometimes you're just like, this stick in the mud guy, and if we're gonna be spending all this time together at Tommy's I need to know that you can make me laugh," she rambled.

"What?" Joel furrowed his eyebrows in annoyance, but it was a rhetorical question (not that she would notice).

"It's an important quality, I mean you must have been funny back in the day right?" she rambled on, and ran to catch up with him. Joel playfully ruffled her hair, and she shoved him back in response.

_Thank God, things might get back to the way they used to be quicker than I thought._

"I'm not a comedian, Ellie. Not now, not ever," he scolded, but she knew to ignore his rough tone because she could see the hint of a smile in his eyes.

"You must have been funny or something. You were married once...I read somewhere that women like men who are funny," she continued, and the playful look in Joel's eyes departed quickly.

"Ellie..." he warned.

"Okay, okay, so I guess you were never funny. Hmm, well maybe you were just really good-looking," she continued to blare her thoughts out loud.

"Ellie," he warned more severely.

"What?! I mean jeez, I'm just making conversation. I don't know that much about your old life and that should change. Like, what did your wife like about you? And what did you like about her?" she urged, eyes wide, but she knew internally that her efforts to get him to open up might be futile.

"Dammit, Ellie I am not gonna have this conversation with a fourteen year-old girl. Now hush up," he avoided the question.

"Hey, I'm almost fifteen! Why do you never talk about your wife...I know it might be painful but maybe you'll feel better if you let it out," she said, the tone more serious.

"I got nothing to let out. And that's the end of that," he raised his voice, and glared into her eyes until she finally accepted his stubborn rejections.

Almost to Tommy's, however, he found himself reflecting on the days that he was married, although they were short lived. Joel was not a man to dwell on the past, because of the pain that is inflicted on the present, but Ellie's questions raised some serious questions of his own.

 _What did Vera like about me?_  With the knowledge he now had about himself, he also considered what in the world he had found so attractive in the woman he once called his wife all those years ago.

* * *

_Promise it will pick up the pace soon, but I wanted to start at the end of the game. Next chapter we'll go 30 years into the past._


	2. Young Love: Vera (Past)

**2000**

The night was more bright than usual, and the moon cast some sort of dream-like glow on the forest around them. Joel fidgeted in the drivers seat with nervous anxiety, and he eyed his companion carefully, unsure of what was the most appropriate move to make next. It wasn't so much that he was inexperienced-although the few kisses he had given to other girls his age might not be enough to brag about- but she had looked so damn  _good_  as she sat right there next to him.

Dark blonde hair dangled around her bare shoulders, and her  _eyes,_ those hazel eyes that pierced into his without any hesitation, were enough to speed up his heart rate. Yes, he'd always been attracted to blondes, but this girl was different in a whole new sense.

"Joel, you look like you've done seen a ghost out there," she taunted and broke the silence, and forced a smile across his young face. The light tone of her voice, obviously thick with country accent, gave him satisfaction that they at least shared one thing in common. However little it may have been, at least in one small way the two of them were somehow bound by a similar force.

"No ghosts tonight, just you and me darlin'," he replied with an obvious blush on his face.

"You know, you brought me all the way out here, but you aren't even talking to me. Everything was fine at dinner-"

"-Yes! Yes it was, dinner was perfect. I...I don't want you thinkin' that I haven't had a great time with you, Vera..." he interrupted, and began to fidget with his hands again.

"A great time... _but_...?" she urged him, clearly impatient, and Joel could not help but smile again.

"You know I can't talk to you when you look at me like that," he gushed, and placed his rough hand against her soft cheek. In that moment, she too seemed to melt with him, although it was short-lived.

"Stop gettin' sidetracked and tell me what's on your mind!" she said after the moment had passed. Joel frowned, and he crossed his arms before he turned his head to look out the window.

"How long are you and I gonna do this together, huh? This sneekin' around, where you can't tell your daddy where you're goin'...it just ain't right no more. And I'm gonna put a stop to this tonight," he vented, and still could not look in her eyes, for fear that his words would mean nothing if her charm poisoned his mind like it had done for the past four months.

"Joel, I will be eighteen in less than two years, and as long as he doesn't find out until then, he won't matter anymore. We'll be movin' away to college, far away from him and this dinky little town. We've had this conversation before," she said, almost annoyed.

"How you gonna pay for college if your daddy refuses to help you because of me? You ever think about that?" he continued, and she nodded.

"Joel, I'm bound to get some scholarships, and I'll take out loans for everything else. Baby, there's nothin' to worry about," she tried to console, but he shook his head fiercely.

"It ain't gonna be enough, Vera. It might all seem fine now, but there's always unintended costs they don't tell you about. And you need your daddy! Every girl needs their daddy," he explained.

"It will be enough Joel! And I don't need anyone but you," she urged, and he cringed at her immaturity.

"C'mon, let's be serious about this: Do you really plan on you and I just being perfect for the rest of our lives together!? You're a smart girl, but that ain't a very smart thing to say," he said, and did everything he could to keep from explosion.

"What do you mean? I thought you wanted to spend your life with me!" she said in outrage.

"I'm not sure. But let's change this subject to me. How am I gonna come close to payin' for college? And baby, I ain't even college material... I'm...I'm not smart like you, I'm just good with my hands. That's all I'll ever be," he confirmed his thoughts out loud.

"You could major in something easy! That way, you could have a degree to add credibility to that business you always wanted to start on your own..."

"Vera, I'm not gonna lie to you, I  _want_  to try college out, but I don't have the money to throw away if it doesn't go to plan. I do not have that luxury, and you won't either if you don't fix things with your Dad!" he continued, and her face fell significantly.

"So...we're over? This is over?" she said after a long pause, and Joel felt sick to his stomach when he realized the pain in her eyes.

"...Baby, please don't say it like that. I wasn't planning on ending it tonight anyway, but eventually...it would have happened. Sooner rather than later might be better for you," he began.

"Wait...before all this crazy talk, what did you bring me up here for?" she said, and her eyes lit up completely. Joel suddenly became nervous again, and huffed air loudly through his mouth. Apparently all they had discussed was futile, but most of all it was because he did not have the strength to resist her.

"We parked, Vera, what do you think I brought you up here for?" he said in exasperation.

"Did you wanna go all the way?" she taunted with a smile on her face, and he twisted his face in disgust.

"No! I brought us up here so we could be alone...maybe make-out or somethin', but I didn't bring you up here to have sex with you! What kind of man do you think I am?" he demanded, clearly upset that she had assumed he would do a thing like that.

"That's what I like most about you, Joel...you're not a boy, you're a man," she praised seductively, and trailed a finger down his chest. Joel froze, unable to blink or breathe.

"Vera..." he warned.

"Joel, shut up," she demanded in a whisper, and climbed out of her passenger's seat into the driver's, before she kissed the side of his neck.

"Baby I...I don't have any condoms...I haven't bought any yet," he said, eyes wide because he clearly had no experience whatsoever in this situation. Vera did not seem to mind, and she continued to kiss all over his strong body.

"It's okay, really," she said, and he was confused by this statement.

"What do you mean by-"

"Joel, I said don't worry" she interrupted, and at this point in the situation he realized that nothing he was able to say could prevent what was about to happen between them.

In fact, he was not sure that he wanted to stop at all.

* * *

**(7 weeks later)**

The sun had not quite risen, but Joel was wide-awake as he made his way to Vera's house. On Friday mornings, her dad went into work early, so it was safe to pick her up for school. Since the night in the woods, their relationship had been better than ever, and Joel was slightly more convinced to stick it out with her for the long-term. After all, he had never wanted to hurt her feelings, and hurting her would have involved hurting himself in the process.

As he waited outside her house, he laughed to himself. All this time, Vera had urged him to stop being so practical and to act his age, and finally, after 16 years, he had managed to do just that. These past few weeks had been exhilarating! Never had he been so carefree and happy, and when he lost his virginity with the girl of his dreams, it was almost as though the cards were finally right for Joel.

The door opened, and Joel turned to look at his girl.

"You okay? You don't look too hot," he noted, and she stared at the floor, thick with pallor on her face.

"I think it's just somethin' I ate, I'll probably be okay later on," she suggested, and with a nod, Joel pushed the pedal and headed for the school.

Not even halfway there, however, Vera begged for Joel to stop the car. As he did as he was told, she opened the door before the car had even come to a complete stop, and began to retch violently. Joel sat there for a moment, unsure of what to do, before he pulled a napkin out of the glove compartment. When she had finished, she sat with her head against the seat and her eyes closed, then Joel handed her the napkin to wipe her mouth off.

"You're not well enough to go to school, I'm taking you home," he decided, but she shook her head.

"Joel...I ain't sick," she tried to explain, and immediately, Joel froze.

"...What do you mean?" he asked, although he already knew the answer.

"What do you think I mean?" she spat with indigence.

"No, no, no, no. When I told you I didn't have a condom, you said it was okay! You said not to worry!" he yelled, and felt his world come crashing down. Vera looked as though she might cry.

"I just meant that I was emotionally okay..." she admitted pitifully.

"You aren't on birth control!?" he asked, and raised his voice more.

"You know my Dad would never let me, " she managed to choke out, and then she began to cry softly.

Joel sat there for a minute in rage, before he began to hit the steering wheel as hard as he could.

"Our lives are over, Vera. We've really fucked it all up," he spat, and Vera began to sob.

* * *

_Next chapter up soon!_


	3. The Sound of Silence: Vera (Past)

_Long chapter! Thank you so very much for the support. If you finish this chapter, please read the author's note at the end. Very important dear readers!_

* * *

**2001 (Nine Months Later)**

"Vera, baby, wake up," Joel mumbled with a sleepy growl in his voice, as he gently nudged Vera on the hospital bed. Immediately, she awakened, and it saddened him that she was so restless. Almost on queue, she glanced around the room, and her face fell.

"Where's daddy?" she asked, although she already had a faint idea of what had occurred while she was asleep.

"...he's gone..." Joel said after a long pause.

"He isn't comin' back," she stated, with tears pooled in her eyes.

"No, Vera, he ain't," Joel said, and a twinge of anger hung in his voice. In truth, Joel was surprised that Vera's father had even come to visit at the hospital at all, although he did not stay long, and he left more angry than he had been before when he realized that they intended to keep the child. When they had told him about the pregnancy, he immediately kicked his own daughter, his own  _flesh_  and  _blood,_ out of the house, although it did not surprise Joel in the slightest. Joel's impression, as well as Vera's constant complaints, reaffirmed in Joel's mind that her father was a selfish and angry man. Now, his actions had morphed this assumption into truth.

They were alone together, and were forced to make it on their own. Soon after the baby news, they were married without ceremony. Vera had dropped out of school, but planned on getting her GED when the time was right, so that she could go to college after their baby was born. Joel, on the other hand, had already finished school, but worked two jobs to save enough money to pay for the rent and support the two of them before the child came into the world.

They were terribly unhappy. Sometimes, days would pass without a word being spoken between the both of them. Love, or whatever they had assumed that word meant, was no longer in the picture. Obligation had replaced affections, and although he would never tell her, it seemed evident that Joel despised Vera and himself. Vera could not blame him, because she too felt the same way.

Yet, Joel was a good man, and she knew that he would never leave her. This bothered her more than she would ever admit. She so badly wanted to love him, and to be loved by him, but circumstance would not allow it. In all honesty, she felt guilty for the poor soul. Over the course of her pregnancy, she had become more detached, and Joel was aware that this had formed into depression. For this reason, he refused to bother her, and the space between them had grown to irreconcilable differences.

"I know," Vera said, and interrupted both of their thoughts. They smiled sad smiles at one another.

"You thought up any names...?" he questioned, after a moment, in the hope to lighten the mood.

"If it's a boy, I thought of Carson or Andrew..." she said, and was lost somewhere in her thoughts when a small smile came across her face. Pehaps the baby would allow them happiness once again.

"What if it's a girl?" he said after a small chuckle.

"If it's a girl...how do you like Sarah? I just hate all the girl names. I think I'm better with boy names, they seem so much more creative and strong," she said.

"Sarah..." he threw the word around his mouth,"...I like it. Simple and sweet."

Almost on queue, another contraction rippled through her body, and she took a deep breath. Joel grabbed her hand, and rubbed her head softly.

"Are you ready for this?" he asked her in a small voice, and did not have the heart to look at her.

"No, but we don't have a choice," she admitted, and pressed the button for the nurse to come into the room because the pain had become unbearable, and the minutes between her contractions seemed to have shortened.

* * *

Joel sat in the waiting room, and nervously fidgeted in his seat. Upon the stress of the labor, Joel had been ordered to leave the room because he had appeared to lose all the color in his face, and the medical staff did not have it in them to attend to another faint-hearted husband. In all honesty, it was not the grotesque aspects of the birth that concerned him, but rather the fact that his life would never again be the same. The future weighed down on him with a heaviness that made him nauseous, and he had been sick multiple times in the 4 hours that Vera was away from him. Never had he felt so pathetic and selfish. Not once did it concern him about Vera's safety, and he openly admitted to himself that he could not bring himself to care for the safety of their child.

How could a man, or rather, a boy, so young love a child that was not planned? None of it mattered. Joel was stuck in his position, and would be there for life.

"Sir?" a voice called from the doorway. Joel looked up immediately.

"Yes?" he said, and felt sick once again but forced himself to keep it together.

"Your wife had her baby. A beautiful little girl, sir, with a good set of lungs. You can go see them, if you'd like," the doctor suggested, and Joel nodded before he rose to his feet and made the long journey down the hallway to the room.

The walls closed in around him, and he continued to stumble down the hallway, a struggle to keep himself upright as he began to see spots, and felt his lips go numb.  _Goddammit, get yourself together. Rise to the occasion..._ He paused outside the door, and gripped the frame to keep himself upright before he took a seat on the floor, with his back against the wall. Knees up, he placed his head between his legs to get more blood flow to his brain. Thankfully, it was late at night, and he could be alone for the duration of his breakdown. After about five minutes of deep breathes, he rose, and paused at the entrance the room with a forced smile on his face.

Joel knocked softly on the door, and entered to a scene that would forever be embedded in his mind as the moment that changed his life forever.

Vera sat on the bed, and looked haggard but content, with a small, pink bundle in her arms. With a genuine smile that he had not seen in months, she gestured silently with a nod of her head for him to come sit next to her to take a peek at what they had created.

He took a deep breath, and slowly walked over to their side, fully prepared to feign happiness so that Vera would not be insulted. And yet, the moment that he sat down, the small bundle in her arms made a small gurgle, and turned its little face in his direction.

Time stopped.

Like clockwork, he reached out to hold the baby, which was something he had never done before, but when she was placed in his arms it did not seem to matter in the slightest. No longer was he Joel the man, an insignificant figure in the universe; he was Joel the father, and now he was aware that he meant the world to the amazing bundle in his arms that seemed to love him unconditionally. Tears flowed down his face, and with a strong finger he caressed the baby's red little cheeks, and her button nose. Then, in the moment that sealed the deal, the little angel took her small hand and grabbed his finger.

"My God...Sarah, right?" he marveled, and finally looked at Vera, who also cried.

"You ever see anything like that? Anything that perfect?" she urged, and Joel shook his head.

"Here I was worried that I wouldn't feel anything...I was so wrong. I'm glad I was wrong," he admitted, and laughed.

"I thought the same thing, but I was afraid to tell you," she said, and wiped her eyes. Perhaps they had more in common than he had assumed.

"What I said before...when I found out you were expectin'...about our lives being over...I'm sorry. That was selfish," he apologized, and she nodded.

"It was very selfish, but you were supposed to be selfish then. Being selfish now, however, would not be tolerable," she told him sternly.

"I know that now. I'll never do anything like that again," he promised.

"I love you, Joel," she said, and he cringed internally but kept composure on the outside.

"Love you too, baby," he lied, and felt terrible inside, but he felt it was more important to keep her happy.

Although he was glad to realize that as a father, he had felt the correct reaction of love upon seeing his daughter, the same could not be said about his wife. More than anything, he wanted to try to love her again, but he was not sure that he had ever loved her to begin with. Young love was often skewed by hormones and expectations, and that was no doubt what had happened to them. Perhaps he knew that when she had suggested so long ago that they share their lives together, but then it was not a priority to set boundaries.

"When do we all get to go home?" he asked, attention on Sarah again as he continued to stare at her precious features.

"Two days, three at most," she said.

In time, maybe everything would work itself out, and they could function together as a happy, normal family.

* * *

**Two Months Later**

Sarah cried, all day and night, without break. Joel was thoroughly convinced that colic was the epitome of evil.

Some days he felt good that he was never home, and that he worked two jobs, because there he could experience the silence that his sanity depended upon. However, his love and devotion to his baby girl were unprecedented, and when he came home, he often did not sleep, not only because Sarah's cries prevented him, but because he could not imagine not being by her side. All night he rocked her, in the hopes that his love could take her pain away, and provide Vera and him with an environment suitable for a healthy mind.

Often he wondered how Vera would function in this environment all day, but he was not sure she could function at all.

Joel sometimes worried about Sarah's safety while he was away, although he was not sure if it was him being an over-protective parent, or if he was correct in his judgment that Vera's mental state had deteriorated rapidly after Sarah was born. When he would come home, often he found Vera staring at the walls, unable to find the strength deal with the baby. There were times were he wondered if she did that all day, and went without caring for the baby.

Sarah had developed sever diaper rash on top of the colic, which must have been very painful for the poor baby, and his only assumption was that she had developed it due to her mother's neglect while he was away. The house was also a mess, and although he did not expect her to clean because she was his wife, he did expect her to clean because she was home all day and the house clearly needed it. Joel did not have the heart to confront Vera about this, because he did not want to send her over the edge, and so he also took on that role as well.

So very badly, he wanted her to talk to a professional, and allow her to get better. Professionals cost money, however, and without ample funds or insurance, there was no way in hell Vera could get the help she may have needed. Joel assumed he would continue to pay the medical bills from Vera's pregnancy and labor for the rest of his life with how expensive hospitals were without insurance.

Who was he to be upset that his wife could not function? All her dreams had been taken away with the birth of their child. All the friends she had ever made had moved away to college like young people were supposed to do, and yet here she was stuck at home with a husband and a baby. Yes, it was all their fault that they had created a baby, and he took responsibility for their situation, but he still felt that she was allowed to feel like her freedom had been taken away.

And then, he also wondered about baby blues. Those were normal, right? Was this just something that would come and go with the passage of time? As far as he knew, all she did was eat, sleep, and stare at the walls. When he tried to talk to her, however, she refused to listen or even reply.

One day, however, he simply could not take Vera's silence and neglect, and Sarah's cried filled the small house, which added to the already high tension. As he rocked her, he glared at Vera, in her customary position on the floor.

"Vera," he said severely, but she did not answer.

"Vera!" he spat, and she turned to look at him slowly.

"Listen I don't know what you're going through, but I want to understand, because we can't live like this," he began, but she did not seem to understand.

"...What?" she said, and Joel felt anger boil inside his veins. However, he took a deep breath, because he did not want to offend her by getting angry.

"I know you're sensitive right now, but you need help. And I don't know that I can give it to you," he admitted, and she nodded.

"How will I get help, Joel? You going to get me a psychiatrist? You going to send me away somewhere with money we don't have?" she said, and started to yell.

"Vera I-" he started, but was interrupted.

"I don't care what you want! What about me? What about my hopes and dreams!?" she screamed.

"You and I are in this together! I have sacrificed everything that you have sacrificed, and I do more around here than you! So don't you tell me about sacrifice, dammit," he said through gritted teeth, and walked away to put Sarah down in her crib. Vera got up and followed him into the room.

"You didn't sacrifice anything. Your family was trailer trash from the beginning Joel, you were always destined to be an uneducated, blue collar worker. That's why I liked you so much! You were so different from me! But I was smart, Joel, oh I was so smart! And now I have  _nothing_ ," she became belligerent, and cried like a mad woman. The words stung him, but he blinked the pain away.

"Please lower your  _fucking_  voice...Sarah just stopped crying. Let's take this in the kitchen-" he whispered, and did everything to control his anger, but was interrupted again.

"I'll do whatever _I damn well please_! I haven't been outside in weeks! I only have you and that demon baby to look at! I'm so sick of it all!  _Sick_!" she continued to scream.

"Why are you here then? Please, leave if you'd like, you don't do anything here anyway!" he finally yelled back, and realized he no longer cared about her feelings, but was very shaken by her uncharacteristic behavior.

"No...you leave," she whispered, eyes wild.

"I am not leaving," he argued.

"Leave or I will call the police!" she threatened.

Immediately, Joel took Sarah from the crib and began to pack for the both of them.

"Fine. Sarah and I will leave, and I'll let you rot here alone," he spat.

"You can't take her away!" she yelled, and he began to laugh.

"If I leave her with you, she'll die! You don't feed her, you don't change her diapers, I think you're the reason she's so damn upset all the time. You are a terrible mother!" he finally admitted, and Vera ran out of the room and threw herself on the couch as she began to sob wildly.

Joel was thoroughly embarrassed for his wife, and he was hurt, but his anger and desire to get Sarah to a safe place was more important than Vera's emotions. If she wanted to be selfish, then he would let her wallow on her own self-pity.

As soon as he left the house with Sarah in his arms, however, and he placed her safely in the car, he realized that they had nowhere to go. Broken-hearted, Joel drove through the night and cried at the unfairness and cruelty of the world, as well as shattered dreams, and he swore that he would never raise his child in an environment like that.

* * *

The sun began to rise on the road. They did not love each other when they married, and they would never love each other at this rate. Maybe, just maybe, he could move back in with his mother and Tommy until he got back on his feet. Joel realized that he would need to pack all of his and the baby's belongings, and returned home as dawn began to break in the hope that Vera would still be asleep so that he could leave peacefully.

When he entered the house, however, there was an eerie silence...

Joel ignored this and packed quickly, because Sarah was still in the car. For a moment he wondered if he was over-reacting, but confirmed to himself that this was what was best for both him and Vera. Perhaps she could go on to college now without the burden of a child...she could be happy. Joel, however, was adamant in his mind that Sarah would stay with him, and he knew that deep down Vera could not care in the slightest.

Almost done, Joel entered the bathroom to grab his toothbrush and razor, but was appalled at what he found.

Shocked, he stood there unable to move, and unable to breathe.

Vera's body, pale and lifeless, was in a pool of blood in the bath.

Joel was not sure how long he screamed before he called the ambulance.

* * *

_Okay dramatic? Yes. I'm sorry if it became too dark. Remember the scene in The Hotel where Joel looks into the bath tub and makes a comment to Ellie about suicide? I don't know, that really stuck with me for some reason. There are also no pictures of her mother, and Joel was especially tender while he dealt with the suicide of Bill's partner. It just made sense to me that this couldhave occurred. Hopefully, it made sense to you all too._


	4. A Home (Present Day)

_A/N: The events of this chapter mention the epilogue of One Night Live…if you have no idea what that is, I recommend a quick read about it online to understand. Basically, it's set after the end of the game and Ellie appears to be a little distant, though we aren't sure if it's because she is aware that Joel has lied to her or if it's something else on her mind. Also, although we covered Vera's story, six months have passed since they've arrived in Jackson._

* * *

**2034**

Joel shuddered awake, sweat lined across his brow, with fear obvious on his face. Nightmares, as common as they were, did not usually consist of memories of his ex-wife. No…that was something that he often forgot, because although tragic, it had never felt as though it were a true loss, especially after Sarah's death. Perhaps he was a heartless bastard for his lack of emotional distress; however, the event of Vera's suicide helped prepare him for the waves of loss, disappointment, and dread that would eventually come to haunt him once the infection ripped his world apart.

As he lay there, and silently contemplated his old memories, he became aware of a certain warmth next to him in bed. Although he knew who it was, he could not help but turn slowly to glance over his shoulder, only to see Ellie asleep next to him. A small smile spread across his face, and he chuckled at their similarities. 

_Musta' had a bad dream, too_.

In their new house, there was definitely enough room for two people to sleep alone, and yet it seemed that more often than not Joel would awake in the middle of the night to find her sound asleep parallel to his body, safe in her own space as though an invisible wall was between them. What was most humorous was that Ellie always made sure to leave the room before he would awaken in the morning, as if it was her own secret routine. Joel never bothered to tell her that he knew, for fear that it might embarrass her or make her feel juvenile. Also, in part, because he felt it was somewhat inappropriate at her  
age for him to allow it willingly, but he pushed this to the back of his mind.

Jackson had been their new home for roughly six months. After a few weeks of cohabitation with Maria and Tommy, Joel had realized two things: one, that he was extremely unaccustomed to social interaction with a variety of others (not that he had ever been an extrovert), and two, that he and Ellie should quickly find a place of their own. In an attempt to make them feel comfortable, Tommy and Maria had done an exceptional job to include them in the everyday routine of their community, filled with work and play. With that in mind, Maria had also insisted that they live with them until they had felt contented enough to live alone. Joel was ever grateful for their hospitality, but he had to admit that he missed the simplicity of interaction between him and Ellie when it was just the two of them. Not only that, but he also felt it was rude to intrude on the couple for too long.

The house they had selected was a small, ranch-style house that had appeared to be built in the 1970s. At first, Joel was reluctant to choose it, because he felt it was too similar to his past home with Sarah, but the glow and excitement on Ellie's face told him that it was her favorite choice. Not only was it cozy, but also it had a certain decorative flair with earth tones on the inside walls, and most of the furniture inside was in decent condition, which was a rarity. Joel also felt it was right for them because it was quite small, and with just the two of them, he would have felt inappropriate if the house had been a larger. There were many young couples in the community who might have wanted children, and there were also a few larger families. So, although it was never a blatant rule, Joel knew it would be wrong to select anything bigger than a two bedroom/one bath. And in addition to those facts, Joel had never had a taste for anything in  
excess.

For the first time in years, Joel could feel a small sense of kinship with a community, and comfort in the knowledge that every day had a specific routine. Infected were still a part of life, but they could be almost forgotten for brief periods of time, which was a relief in itself. It certainly was odd that things often seemed…normal…or as normal as they could be. Tommy had even tried to romantically introduce a woman to Joel a few weeks ago, named Esther, and they had attempted to get to know each other on multiple occasions. However, in the back of his mind he just could not allow himself to fully develop a relationship with this new woman. In addition to that, he did not want Ellie to feel like she was not his first priority while he tried to play eligible bachelor in the community. The whole idea filled him with discomfort and mild disgust.  _Too old and too worn out for that shit_...

Just last night, in the midst of his doubt, Joel had knocked on Ellie's door to have a conversation about Esther, although he was sure that it was not an in-depth discussion. It was not like he needed permission from a fifteen-year-old girl, but he did feel he owed it to her to at least inform her of what his future intentions may become. Although everything had been great since they had settled, Joel was well aware that she appeared to be more distant than usual, and he was not sure if it was simply his imagination or if it truly was something that they needed to discuss. _Does she know I lied?_  Joel was not one to pry, however, and he felt it was more respectful toward Ellie if he did not try to force emotions out of her. After all, she had always respected him, and they had been through hell together, which was sure to morph the mind of an innocent girl. So, even though he had mentioned Esther to Ellie, he was not sure if she had accepted the idea of a new woman.  _That_  
_makes two of us…_

**(Later That Morning)**

Joel stood in front of the stove, ever thankful for the electricity from the hydroelectric plant, and scrambled some fresh eggs from the chickens in the backyard. Small, quick footsteps traversed down the staircase, and Joel smiled to himself. He felt Ellie's presence get closer, but continued to cook in silence. One thing he had learned here was that in their routine, Ellie was not particularly a morning person.

"Cooking this early?" she managed to mumble, sleep thick in her voice, as she sat at the kitchen table.

"Figured it might help waking you up," Joel chuckled.

"Why…it's Saturday?" she questioned.

"We had a hike planned for today, did you let that slip your mind…" he taunted, though somewhat affected that she had forgotten. He turned around slightly, eyes wide, and Ellie laughed.

"I'm kidding, I didn't forget. And hey, don't lie to me or yourself, this isn't really a hike, it's just to scavenge outside the fence and find more canned goods for the stockpile," she accused, and Joel began to smile again at her sharpness.

"Yeah, you're right, but it don't mean we can't have some fun on the way. Just you and me on our own time, we haven't done anything like that in a while…" he said, and turned toward her optimistically. It was very true, they had been busy since they arrived here.

For some reason these words seemed to damper her mood, for her eyes turned downward, and they were silent until the food was ready.

"You know, if you and Esther decide to take things further, you and I won't be able to spend as much time together, although it's already less than it used to be…" she began, after taking a bite. Joel sat there for a moment, unsure where this would go.

"You're right," he admitted.

"I don't want you to think I'm this jealous little girl, Joel, I just want to know what goes on in your life. And I want to know how it could affect me," she said, very mature for her age.

"Ain't nothing gonna come in between you and I," he promised, and they stared at each other for a while. "…And honestly, Ellie, I don't even know if I can pursue a relationship with this woman," he continued, almost shocked that he had opened discussion to his personal life.

"Well see, that's kinda what I wanted to ask you…" she added, and he cocked his head in confusion.

"Ask me what, exactly?"

"About you having a relationship with Esther. Joel… I know we always promised not to talk about Tess, or Sam, or even Henry…but we aren't hardcore survivors anymore. We're allowed to have emotions, and I feel like you might not have grieved for Tess at all, so if you were to just ignore that and move onto the next woman, well… isn't that wrong?" she expressed, and he was triggered to annoyance but tried his hardest not to reprimand her when she was right. After all, he knew deep down that this was what bothered him most, because what he knew in Tess was not only what he decided was right for him for the rest of his life, but because he had not anticipated life without her. Some time ago, they had planned to settle down.

"Tess and I were…complicated. We weren't exactly together," he admitted.

"Whatever you label it, there was obviously love there, Joel. I saw it, and I know you felt it," she said.

"Now what the hell do you know about love, huh?" he asked, not able to avoid his obvious distaste at her word usage.

"Joel," she said sternly and immediately he knew he was no longer with a child, but a young woman, and the concept floored him beyond comfort.

"…There's a lot involved between Tess and I…"

"You're talking about her like she's alive!" she spat in irritation. Joel was obviously upset, but took a deep breath.

"Before she  _died_ , there was a lot between Tess and I…more than even I could understand at the time. I'm even more confused now when I look back at it all," he finally admitted.

"Joel, I want to talk about it…" she said, and he agreed with her. Tess, unlike Vera, was the first and last woman that he had ever loved.

"Later," he agreed with a slight nod.

"Joel-" she tried to protest, but was interrupted.

"-We'll talk about it on the hike, Ellie, just not here…I don't want that darkness in my home," he said, and she nodded in agreement. They continued breakfast in comfortable silence.

All morning, Joel prepared his story, and thought back over twenty years to when the outbreak had just started:  
A man of thirty, hardened like stone, who eventually stumbled upon another damaged soul that was tougher than he ever was, or ever could be.

* * *

_At least the next 3 chapters will be dedicated to the story of Joel and Tess. I skipped Sarah for the fact that we saw their bond for what it was, a father and a daughter, and we also see bits of his parenting on Ellie throughout the game. I may add more about Sarah later if it seems to fit or if people would like that..._

_ALSO...the line about "I don't want that darkness in my home" was pretty much taken from The X-Files (all rights to Chris Carter!)...which is my first love before The Last of Us or Assassins Creed._


	5. Boston QZ: Tess (Past)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .

_This chapter is vital, and I also thought I'd take it a step further and talk a little bit about Tommy. He will be making a few appearances before he leaves to join the Fireflies (which I also thought I'd explain later)._

* * *

**2016**  
**(Three Years After Sarah's Death)**

Joel sat rigid against the bus window, and examined the latest quarantine zone from a sign that stood in front of a large, metal fence:

Boston Quarantine Zone

_Who'd a thought two country boys would eventually end up this far north?_  Joel thought to himself in silence, as it was nearly six o'clock in the morning, and his fellow passengers were asleep. Tommy stirred in sleep next to him in their seat, and Joel looked down on him with sentimental affection. _Maybe Boston is a fresh start…_

Joel knew he had been a terrible companion for the past few years. Not only was he moody and prone to angry outbursts whenever Tommy tried to get him to talk about their experiences, but he had become so focused on survival that he had lost most of whatever human compassion that remained in his heart.

Sometimes Joel thought he might very well become a monster. After Sarah's death, the brothers had been so exasperated with the government's military and the pathetic attempts to save lives, that they avoided the new quarantine zones and tried to make it own their own in the wilderness. Eventually, they met up with a few men who held similar beliefs in Louisiana, and together they formed into what Joel would eventually call "Hunters".

Yes, Joel preyed on the innocent to steal their possessions for keep, but what terrified him most was that he knew it was much more than personal gain that served as motivation. Truth be told, Joel enjoyed the thrill of the kill because it was the only way he could effectively release his rage, frustration, and absolute misery.

The world was a terrible place to live, and humanity had gone to hell, so there was no point to resist the brutality that nature itself attempted to enforce.

At some point a few months ago, however, Joel and Tommy had discovered that the other men had taken to cannibalism during a shortage of food in the winter, against their knowledge and far beyond their comfort level. From this, the brothers decided they had run from what remained of civilization for long enough, and it was past time for them to return to a "normal" life.

Joel was not sure why Tommy continued to bear with his animosity, but assumed he felt some sort of responsibility for their brotherhood, and perhaps even Sarah's death. Then again, those were the only two similarities they now shared, but maybe deep down both of them feared complete isolation more than anything.

"Tommy, we're here," Joel nudged him awake, as the sun had begun to rise. The soldiers would probably wait another thirty minutes to release them into their new home, but Joel felt that it might be a good time to show his brother that he was done with his animalistic attitudes.

"And where would that be?" Tommy mumbled, and stretched in the seat.

"Boston, apparently," Joel replied, still somewhat surprised that they had made it this far. The military had no interest or responsibility to inform people who were involved in quarantine transfers. This was, yet again, just another prime example of a lack for common human decency.

"Well I'll be damned…Boston. You and I never thought we'd end up here," Tommy said, with a smile formed on his face in awe. One of Tommy's best qualities was that he never seemed to hold a grudge, and Joel deeply admired him for that.

"Ain't that the truth, little brother…" Joel remarked, and continued to stare out the window.

Joel very seriously considered an apology for his brother, but the lump in his throat would not allow it to be delivered effectively. Not only was this not the right time or the right place, but also he felt his actions would serve as the true basis for his regret.

* * *

After a few days, and after the brothers had settled nicely in the small, rundown apartment that they were suddenly expected to call home, both were given jobs.

Tommy, who was lucky, was chosen for maintenance inside the zone.

Joel, however, assumed he had received the short end of the stick when he was stuck with outside work duty.

He was not entirely sure how individuals were chosen for their specific positions, but from the looks of all people chosen for his own, it seemed to be filled with more than half of the people who had entered the quarantine zone with them just a few days ago.

In other words, the rookies without the experience or the means to survive outside the zone filled with infected and spores. There was no real job description, and he assumed the latent reason they were there was to keep the infected at bay and to prevent them from wandering near Boston. There was, however, another function…

Inside the zone was more than overcrowded from the looks of things, not to mention that food shortages were as common as the sun rising in the morning. If more people died on the outside, then the military could be more effective and responsible for taking care of the people inside.

Joel, however, was not concerned for his safety, not only because he had lived on the outside for years, but also because death was not a concept that he feared any more.

A bus had arrived early in the morning to take everyone beyond the zone limits, and where that was exactly Joel did not know, but the drive seemed to go on and on. Joel, as true to his nature, sat alone next to the bus window. Soon, however, he felt the seat next to him fill with a presence.

Joel turned his head, uninterested, to find a young woman who eyed him carefully.

"How'd you end up here?" she asked, blunt and to the point. Joel frowned in confusion, as her eyes continued to glare at him with an intense curiosity. It gave him the feeling that she was in search of a soul that he simply lacked.

"Don't quite know, just got here a few days ago," he admitted without interest, and looked out the window to return to his peaceful solitude.

"You don't look wide eyed and bushy tailed like the rest of these people…" she assessed, with a frown on her face.

"Does it  _matter_?" Joel turned to her, with an icy glare. The woman looked somewhat surprised at his hostility, but a small, devious smile spread across her face.

"In fact, you look older than me," she said with a chuckle. Smart-ass kid.

"I don't give a flying  _fuck_  what you think, I'm just here to do my job," he spat, and stared into her eyes. Not once did she flinch or look away, and Joel had to admit to himself that she had a fire inside her that he had never before encountered.

"Easy there fucker, I'm trying to save your ass," she replied, and Joel winced in annoyance. It appeared, however, that this woman was experienced.

"…Most of these people…they came in the same transfer with me. Why do they have all the rookies stationed on work duty outside the zone?" he asked, and although he knew the answer, he wanted her to confirm it.

"They're lambs being fed to the lions: easy slaughter and distraction for the infected. Less people inside the Boston QZ make it a happier place for everyone," she said, and Joel nodded.

"That's what I thought. Then why are you here? You seem to be experienced," he questioned, now curious.

"The put the less desirable people out here. The new people, the troublemakers, the prostitutes…you get the idea," she explained. Joel raised an eyebrow.

"You're a prostitute?" he questioned, and almost allowed a small smile to spread across his face.

"You kidding me? That's women work," she joked with contempt, but maintained an air of seriousness.

"Then why are you stuck out here with us rookies?" he asked, though he was not sure why he should care.

"I smuggle things," she admitted with small nod.

"Alone?" he questioned, and she seemed to ignore it.

"I can handle myself, Texas. I was just worried about you when we get to where we're going," she explained, and he cringed at her petty nickname.

"Worried how?" he prompted.

"You got a gun on you?" she asked, and his eyes became wide.

"No, I wasn't aware we were allowed to have one," he explained, not aware of policy.

"Aww, that's cute. Do you do what everyone tells you?" she said with sarcasm and a frown.

"Well, do you have a gun?" He questioned, now guilty that he and Tommy had left their guns behind once they had reached civilization.

"Two, actually. Always keep an extra just in case…first rule of survival buddy. Either that or have a partner, but I'm no social butterfly," she explained, and he actually laughed this time at their similarities.

"I, uh, I know about survival. This is my first QZ…I used to live out in the wild with some guys and my brother," he explained, suddenly aware that he had developed a fast bond with another person, and she was a woman at that.

"I knew you had experience, but my God, were you one of those guys who preyed on the innocent?" she asked, eyes narrowed with a smile across her face.

"Yeah," he answered, now with focus on the palms of his hands. It sounded so much worse when someone else said it. A conscience was not something that helped anyone endure the apocalypse, but it was impossible to ignore it at all times.

"A hunter…hmm…well, at least your good with a gun. Here, take this, you're gonna need it when we get to where we're going," she said, and pulled a small revolver from her backpack before she handed it to him. Joel smiled softly in thanks, and received her gift with eager hands.

"What is our 'actual' job description?" he questioned.

"We're supposed to pull weeds and make the environment look pretty. They say it prevents the spread of spores closer to the QZ, but I don't buy it. There are plenty infected out there, so don't be surprised," she warned, and Joel shrugged to dismiss it.

"Why do I need a gun if the military's there?" he asked, and just flashed him an incredulous glare.

"They're dropping us off at the sight, and they come back for us at sundown," she explained, and Joel shook his head.

"Bastards," he spat, and felt bad for the rest of the people who had no idea what was about to happen to them.

In all honestly, although he was good with a gun and had experienced infected before, most of his targets were human. Infected were something that they used to avoid at all costs. To be at close range everyday with them was enough to intimidate, though he would never admit it.

"I think we're here. What's your name, Texas?" she asked, after a long moment of comfortable silence.

"Joel," he said, and outstretched his hand. Her grip was firm and rough.

"Tess," she said, and continued to look around. The bus parked, and the sound of silence filled the bus, before a shrill, ungodly clicking ripped through the quiet. "Clickers…better stick next to me if you wanna save your hide, Joel," she added, before she stood to leave the bus.

_Did this woman just challenge me?_

* * *

_So…what did you make of the introduction for Tess? I don't think it's unreasonable to say that she eventually becomes Joel's life and first "real" love, although it's never romantic or sappy._


	6. Liquid Courage: Tess (Past)

_A/N: This chapter is intentionally light-hearted, because I have bigger plans for the next chapter._

* * *

**2017**

Routine was perhaps one of the best things about life in Boston QZ. Most of Joel's days were spent in outside work duty, not that he had much to complain about. It was rather simple work, although it could become dangerous, but he did not necessarily mind. Tommy seemed content as well, though he could get a bit restless. Joel was not one to bore easily, but his brother did not seem to share the habit. Although neither of them would admit it, their relationship had definitely improved, and they were thankful that things were not as icy between them.

Tommy had been quite social since they had arrived, and had tried on multiple occasions to introduce Joel to the many women he knew, but Joel took no interest. The only woman, and other person besides his brother that he could even stand to talk with, was Tess.

The two of them had become oddly close. Joel admired her strength and optimism, as well as her dominating qualities. Unlike Vera, who was almost stereotypically feminine and so weak that she depended on Joel for everything, Tess was the one who ran the show. He was fairly certain that she was interested in him, but he struggled to make it known to her that he too felt the same way. Sometimes her eyes lingered on his for a long time after he spoke, and she most definitely was not shy, but lately it seemed as if there was a certain extra something in the air when they were alone. A smug little smile would form on her face whenever he did something she told him to do.

Yet, words had never been his most effective way of communication, and he felt sure that she would not make a move unless he did first. Not because she was scared, but because her pride had refused to look weak if he rejected her offer of a relationship. Perhaps this was why he had so much respect for her: although she was pushy, she was excellent at reading his emotions when he showed them, and she never tried to pry. The problem was, and Joel was very well aware, that he was often so used to being numb that he did not show emotion well anymore. If she could not understand his feelings were mutual, he could not blame her for the ignorance.

After Tess had pestered him enough, he had finally agreed to accompany her on a smuggling job. Her ability to lead was remarkable, and he was well aware that he was her partner because he provided her with muscle, not necessarily intellect. Joel did not take this as an insult; in fact, it simply forced him to admire her more. With Tess, he did not have to worry or over think, because she was a perfectionist who always had everything taken care of down to the fine detail.

She had only given him two rules: one, to listen to her, and two, that if anyone or anything got in their way, to kill them immediately. They had only done a few jobs so far, but they all went well without any mistakes.

Except for tonight, that is...

The job itself had gone perfectly, but more guys showed up than either Joel or Tess could have imagined. The two of them spent far too much time in an attempt to fight their way out of the warehouse than expected. Since they had taken the tunnel route to their destination, there would be no way for them to enter Boston QZ from the checkpoint because it was now dark, and it would have been completely unwise to travel on a night like tonight in unoccupied areas. The moon was nowhere to be found, due to the rain, and there were more infected than they had seen last time they were here.

"What are we gonna do, boss?" Joel asked, with a hint of humor almost evident in his voice. Normally, he would be frustrated that a setback like this occurred, but she was so quick on her feet that he rarely worried around her unless it was vital. Tess narrowed her eyes and glared at their surroundings for a moment.

"There's no way in hell we're getting back home tonight. I'd say we find somewhere safe and shack up for the night," she said slowly, as if the idea had just come inside her mind.

Joel raised an eyebrow behind her back as they searched for some shelter in an infected-free area. Maybe tonight could be the night he let her know how he really felt about her, like the good romantic soul he used to be before all this madness happened. If there was anyone who had earned affection from Joel, it was Tess. He was still prone to moody spells, and he was aware that she sometimes caught the bad end of these emotions, but she could be moody as well. Not only did she understand, but she almost could not be too angry with him whenever he acted out.

After about an hour of walking in near complete darkness, they came to a small cottage that seemed to be their best option. There were not many windows, and although it was near empty on the inside, it seemed easily tenable.

"We need some extra light," Tess complained with a sigh, and sat down her possessions in a chair, which seemed to be the dining room.

"I'll go have a look around," Joel said, in search of something that he was almost sure he would not find. As he walked toward the living room, however, he was shocked and excited to have found not only a few candles, but half a bottle of vodka. Across the small hallway, there was also a decent sized bed that Joel eyed carefully.  _It's been a while since I've had a woman..._

When he entered the kitchen, he found Tess opening the canned goods that she had apparently discovered in his absence. Quietly, he sat the candles across the room and lit them all with his lighter, before he opened the vodka and sat it on the table.

"We could have a hell of a night here, Joel!" she exclaimed in excitement once she noticed the goods, which was something that he did not often get to see. He sat his achy body on a chair at the table, and propped his feet up.

The dinner, if one could call it that, was beans and corn. Both ate in a comfortable silence, before Joel got up to examine the glassware in the kitchen. It had only been a few years since the outbreak, so he was still constantly surprised at most of the valuables that were still left in these abandoned homes.

"Well your eating awfully light tonight, are you feeling all right?" Tess prodded, which made Joel chuckle, before he found a shot glass and brought it back to the table.

"I was hoping to get a quick buzz," he admitted, and quickly poured, then gulped a shot of vodka down. Tess watched him carefully with that smug smile on her face that he had grown so fond to look at.  _Maybe I could get some liquid courage._

"You must be a lightweight if all that is going to give you a buzz. Ugh, I hate vodka," she said with her nose scrunched.

"Me too, but it does the job," he said, and gulped another shot as quickly as possible. He did his best to break every drinking rule he had learned in high school to stay sober.

"I hope you're planning on sharing..." she warned, and he could not tell if it was flirtatious or not.

"Wouldn't have it any other way," he said with a smile, and poured a shot for her to join in the game.

In roughly an hour, both of them were well past the point of common sense or sobriety. That being said, both of them were still more than capable of using a weapon should something unexpected happen, which was a drawback of the world they lived in.

"So...tell me, is the point of all this just to get into my pants?" she asked.

"Seein' as I'm not usually very good with words, and seein' how you're probably not gonna make the first move unless I do, then yes, I reckon I'm trying to get into your pants," he said, and the smile on his face was so genuine that she was almost saddened he had to drink to feel good inside.

"Well, fuck me, I thought you'd never care enough to do it. You're usually so damn hard to read, I thought I was losing my touch," she admitted with a loud laugh.

"Hell, I used to be a romantic young buck myself. I mean, look at all these candles," he said, and gestured dramatically with his hands. A rosy blush from the alcohol painted his face. Tess had never seen him happier, and she fought back the urge to ask about his own personal demons, because she did not want to ruin the moment. After all, everyone was emotionally screwed from the outbreak, her included, so she thought it was in both of their best interests to let it go. If he was happy now, that was all that mattered to her.

"I like you a lot. I can see the passion in your eyes...not just for me, but in everything you do...even though you try to play it off. I can tell you're one of those people who feels everything deeply...it's almost inspiring," she gushed to him, and he was almost taken aback with thrill that she had opened so quickly to him.

"Listen, I uh, think about you a lot, and I admire you...and I think we're a good pair," he stumbled about with his words, and he cursed the alcohol for not making him as smooth a talker as he wanted to be for her. The awkwardness of his words did not seem to bother her, however, and in fact she looked as though she adored his genuine confession.

"Joel, it's okay, you don't have to sweet talk me, I'm going to sleep with you," she said, with a tone that was borderline serious and humorous at the same time.

"Well, we oughta get to it then," he declared, and in one fluid movement had risen to pick her up, then carried her into the bedroom, while she was consumed in laughter.

**Later That Night...**

Joel was thrilled to know that he was still very capable of pleasing a woman. Tess was not the type to fake anything for his own personal benefit, so he was almost positive that he had given her a good time. Lord knows she had given Joel the kind of pleasure that stays with a man for days on end. To be completely honest, Joel was almost overwhelmed with the feelings of affection that overcame him once they had finished.  _It's been so damn long since I felt this way..._

But, almost immediately Joel realized that he had never felt like this before. Sex with Vera had been so awkward, due to their inexperience and age, that he almost did not consider their moments important or even fun. Joel had been with a few other women in the span between Vera and his sexual encounter now, but none of them had had any meaning whatsoever. And yet this moment that he had just shared with Tess had his head spinning, because for the first time, he felt there was an emotional connection as well as a sexual connection. At twenty-nine years old, Joel had just experienced the basic foundation for love.

Of course, love was a strong word, and he was positive he did not love Tess now, but the fact that he  _could_  love her eventually had him closer than he had ever been before. Joel was completely overwhelmed with feelings of infatuation and admiration, but he was doing his best to downplay them so that he did not look desperate or foolish.

After they lay in bed for a few silent minutes, and each caught their breath, as well as savored the moment, Joel turned to her.

"Woman...I'll follow you to the end of the Earth," he breathed heavily, and although it was intended to be a light, humorous statement, what scared him inside was that he truly meant what he said.

"Joel, I gotta say...I'm impressed," she remarked.

"What happens now?" he asked, and immediately regretted the question. _Am I already getting clingy? What the hell?_

"You mean, in regard to us?" Tess asked, with raised eyebrows.

"Well...yeah...uhm, actually, just forget it, I'm sorry I asked," he apologized.

"Don't be so hard on yourself. Like I said, I really like you, and obviously the sex is great, but...I think I should tell you, I'm not the kind of person who commits," she admitted, and Joel was instantly confused, but did his best to hide it.

"As long as I get to have you around, I could care less," he said, and hoped it was what she had wanted to hear. As he looked down, he saw a smile spread across her face, so he felt confirmation.

Inside, however, he reeled with confusion.

_What the fuck did I just agree to?_

 


	7. Complications: Tess    (Past)

_I wanted Joel to reflect on all his years with Tess after they got together, and so to keep it from being too choppy, I thought I'd set the time frame 2017-2033 as a general overview. 2033 is obviously the year she dies, although we won't cover anything we've seen in the game. Anything in this section that suggests the passage of time will be stated, and it will all develop in chronological order. Hopefully, it is not too confusing, but if it is, please be sure to alert me, so that I can make it as fluid as possible. Happy reading!_

_Also, this chapter is incredibly long, but I think it's enough to keep everyone entertained._

* * *

**2017-2033**

After the night in the cottage, Tess and Joel were near inseparable.

If they were not in some desperate attempt to smuggle something into or out of the city, then they were most certainly in some sort of passionate throw. At first, Joel almost did not care that it seemed to be based around the sex, but he realized a few weeks into their situation that he wanted something more from her... wanted something deeper.

Ideally, he visualized Tess as a pure woman, with a strength and an intellect that was far beyond his own. Joel hoped the vision he had created for himself would not be shattered when he came to know her better. With the way things were going, however, he wondered if he would ever truly be able to understand all that comprised her character. Sure, you could learn a lot about someone by working with them and screwing them almost everyday, but without real communication, it would be impossible to grow.

Yet, she had warned him not to get his hopes up too high, and he could not understand what she had meant by that. Tess, as he assumed and eventually figured out, was not the type of woman to play games, and was incredibly straightforward when it came to her needs. If he pushed her, she would surely end whatever this was that they were building together. In their relationship, the power remained in her court, just as it did when they worked together. Perhaps if he continued on at the same pace, on her own terms, she would come to accept and deem him capable of _really_  knowing her.

Joel did not spend every hour with her, however, and sometimes against his knowledge, she would disappear without any explanation for short periods of time. Then, when she would return, Joel would be so thrilled that he refused to question her and spoil the mood. After all, it was not like they were  _together_ , but he also noted inside that he felt he deserved some sort of explanation, although he did not own her or dictate her actions.

Truth be told, Joel was  _happy,_ and he refused to ruin his own happiness because of mere suspicions. It was selfish, and it could lead to grave failure, but when everything had been taken from a man, it became difficult to take the good things in small doses. Joel wanted a happy life, and would go to stupid proportions to chase after the goal.

Even Tommy had noticed the change in his brother's demeanor. Sometimes, after a long day, he would come home to find Joel on the couch, with a hint of a smile on his face. Even the magic in his eyes had returned, and they seemed to dance and glisten about.

Tommy had seen him at the lowest of the low some years ago, along with his violent tendencies and his bitter attitude. After so long with a cold person, it was a relief to see him almost back to normal. It also made his life much easier, because if Joel was happy, Tommy would not have to be a punching bag to his frustrations. On more than one occasion while they were Hunters, when Tommy had simply gotten in the way, or reminded him of the past, Joel would snap. After these violent episodes, both would walk away with wounds, although Tommy's were far worse than Joel's. For one, Joel was stronger, and filled with more rage. To add to those qualities, Tommy truly felt sorry for his brother, and tried his best not to fight back with absolute fury, but at the same time he could not be so passive as to let him get away with it.

Tommy was very pained over Sarah's death. Although not to the extent that Joel was broken, it was understandable, because he was not her father. Sometimes, he felt that Joel resented him simply because his agony could not compare, and he felt that Joel almost envied his lack of distress. Yet, Tommy had witnessed Joel become a monster, and he felt certain that even if he had a daughter who was killed in tragedy, he would have dealt with the situation better than Joel.

In fact, Tommy had channeled his anger and hurt into a good cause, unlike Joel who used to mope around and cause misery to others. The Fireflies, which Joel seemed to distrust, and even dislike, because of their progressive attitude, were growing a strong presence around the Boston QZ. A few weeks ago, Tommy had been prompted by a woman he'd met, named Marlene, to join the cause. He had refused, however, because he was certain that the old Joel was on the mend.

Tommy was a family man, and would give just about anything to have his brother back, even if it meant he had to place his radical ideology aside. Therefore, Joel's turn around filled him with a sense of calm. Finally, Joel had tired of misery.  _Finally_ , their world could get a little better.

"Joel, I gotta say...you look happy," he remarked one day, and plopped next to him on the couch.

"I am happy little brother, I really am," he said after a long moment, and a real smile, although small, spread across his face.

"Well, to what do we owe gratitude for this?" Tommy remarked, and Joel snorted. Tommy was tempted to ask him about his change of heart, but decided against the possibility of antagonizing his brother.

"I, uh, I think I've met a woman," Joel replied, as he stared at his hands, and swallowed hard. It almost broke Tommy's heart, to see him struggle with the feeling of happiness once again. Lord knows of all people that Joel deserved it, even if his stubborn tendencies were to blame for his own lack of progress.

"God damn, Joel, you've either met a woman or you haven't," Tommy joked, and Joel chuckled. The sound almost startled Tommy.

"I've met a woman," he replied with a quick nod, this time with full confidence.

"Good, I'm glad to have you back," Tommy said softly, and playfully nudged Joel's shoulder, who froze at the contact. Apparently, this was too sentimental for Joel, and they sat in silence. When he did not reply after a long while, Tommy thought to continue.

"You know, I think I've met a woman too," he added, and Joel perked up.

"Just one woman? I've been seeing you run around with more than just a few. It's not Marlene, is it?" Joel said, with slight disgust at the last part of his sentence. Tommy normally would have been offended, but he had not heard Joel converse like this for a while, so he let it slide.

"No, it's not Marlene...even though she's pretty amazing too," Tommy added, and had to take up for her a little bit.

"Tommy, there ain't nothing good about the Fireflies," Joel replied sternly.

"Joel, how about you worry about yourself," Tommy replied, with a casual tone, but he knew his words held weight. Joel's eyed him for a second, and was apparently on the lookout for weakness, but he did not seem to find any.

"You know, you're right...I...I was out of line," Joel replied after a long moment, and the constant hostility in his eye seemed to soften. Tommy knew this was as much of an apology that he would get from his brother, but also that this apology served to make amends for all the wrongs in the past.

"Thank you much, Joel, it means a lot," he replied quietly.

"...Anyway, go back to this girl of yours, little brother. What's her name, what's she like, is she good in bed...?" Joel trailed off suggestively, and Tommy laughed.

"I don't think you'd know her, and I honestly just met her, but she is good in bed," he admitted.

Joel and Tommy continued their conversation, and both of them felt that perhaps this was the first step they could take to fully make amends with one another.  _Maybe I'm startin' to do some good in my life._

* * *

The past few months had been filled with what Joel assumed was a return to normalcy. Perhaps the agony in his life was only meant to be endured for a short time, and this was his shot at redemption. To amend his own character, the torn relationship with his brother, and to start over with a woman who continued to blow his mind.

Things had been going exceptionally well.

One Friday night, after he had gone to look for Tess, only to realize that she was yet again nowhere to be found, he made his way to the apartment that he shared with Tommy. A small part of him was not even upset that he could not spend time with her, because he and Tommy could have a great time together like they used to do. It was odd, however, that Tess was gone on a Friday night, as she usually disappeared earlier in the week.

Something moved within his bowels before he opened the door, like a sick mixture of excitement and surprise at what awaited on the other side. Positive emotions had been so far and few between, that now when he started to feel them again, it was almost an overwhelming physical response.

Upon his entrance, he was not greeted by the sight of Tommy half asleep on the couch as he usually saw, but rather, the sound of moaning from his brother's room. The noise was definitely Tommy, and although confused, Joel slipped inside and peered around the corner of the door, just in case his brother was in the middle of a nightmare. Joel knew that the memory of Sarah's death, as well as the fear from that entire night in general, often haunted Tommy in his sleep, although they were petty when compared to his own nightmares.

What he saw inside the room, however, was evidently no nightmare, although it very well could have become one. Tommy was mounted upon a woman, whose cries were oddly...familiar.

The realization hit Joel like a punch to the stomach. Immediately, he walked out of the apartment, and slammed the door. Outside, he crossed his arms and took deep breaths, as he waited patiently until a few minutes after, when none other than Tess walked out the door and left their building. Joel's presence had not been seen, and he did not currently have the nerve to approach his unfaithful lover (or the means to do so in a calm manner), but Tommy was sure to know something terrible was about to happen inside.

If Tess was sleeping around with his brother, who the hell else had she been with? Suddenly, her warning seemed to make more sense, and Joel felt completely played. Not only had he felt there was something important between them, but she had even suggested not to become too attached, and he had stupidly done it anyway. What frustrated him most was that in his anger toward Tess, he felt more furious with Tommy. Although it was irrational, he wanted to knock his brother's head off to soothe his own burned ego.

Joel felt the anger rise within him, like bile, and was prepared to spew his fury onto Tommy like he had done so many times in the past. Joel barged into the apartment again, and found Tommy in a flustered state with nothing but his jeans on.

"Damn, Joel, I think you scared the girl off," he complained in an almost joking manner, before he noticed the veins in Joel's neck.

"Do you know who that was?" he questioned, and in an eerie calm-before-the-storm tone. Tommy looked beyond confused.

"Yeah, that was Tess, the girl I'd told you about. She's really someth-"

"-We've been fucking the same woman," he interrupted, and was not sure how to feel. On one hand, he was positive that neither Tess nor Tommy had any idea of this love triangle. On the other, he was furious, because yet again he envied his brother.  _Tommy had't lost a child. Tommy hadn't lost a wife. Why the fuck should he deserve happiness more than me?_

"...Joel, my God, I had no idea,' Tommy apologized, and his sorrow was real, but the expression on his face was not as serious as the situation deserved.

"Wipe that smug God damn smile off your face."

"Wait, now you just hold on a minute, don't you dare blame this on me!"

"Why shouldn't I bash your fucking head in?"

"None of this is my fault! Don't start putting all your problems on me again, this ain't Texas or Louisiana, Joel."

"What does that mean?"

"I was damn tired of you always beating the piss out of me because you hated yourself. Now I know life's been cruel, Joel, but you aren't the only one whose suffered."

"Don't you dare have a pity party, you son of a bitch!"

"You'd know all about pity parties. You kept feelin' sorry for yourself after Sarah died-"

"-if you go any further, I'll kill ya, Tommy, I swear."

"Killing me won't take your pain away, Joel. And neither will fucking some whore. Sarah isn't coming back."

Joel lunged for Tommy's throat, who put up a decent fight for a moment, and even got in one good shot against Joel's eye, before Joel's rage took control of the situation. Firm, coarse hands squeezed Tommy's throat, until his eyes went bloodshot, and a gurgled sound began to emit from his wet mouth. If Joel had continued for a few more moments, it may have been the end for his brother, but for some reason, he stopped.

Tommy rolled around on the floor for a long time, and Joel just sat there, unable to comprehend the weight of his violent actions. This time, he knew he'd gone too far. Joel closed his eyes, and pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose. When he heard Tommy stir, he opened his eyes again, and saw purple bruise marks on the edge of his brother's neck, courtesy of his own handiwork. As much as he had scared himself, and as terrible as things had gotten, he felt satisfaction.

"I don't ever wanna see your God-damned face again," Tommy squawked as he finally got up, and left the apartment immediately.

Joel knew then and there that the moment they shared was probably the end of their relationship. As absolutely cruel as he knew himself to be, Joel almost felt relief that no one in Boston knew his old life.

There would be no one to remind him of Sarah, and he could finally try to push her memory to the back of his troubled mind.

* * *

Whenever Joel felt truly attached to Tess, he would replay her words in his mind over and over to talk some sense into himself.

After all the mess with Tommy had happened, Joel did his best to avoid Tess at all costs, but she was more determined than he was to talk things out. Apparently, right before Tommy had left, he had had a discussion with Tess about the reason he was going off to join the Fireflies. Tess was horrified at what she had accidentally caused between them, and took it upon herself to go to Joel's apartment and make things right.

For some ridiculous reason (it was the same reason they had stayed together for so many years) Joel let her in to discuss whatever it was she wanted to get off her chest. The woman was too damn determined and stubborn, much more than he ever was, and when he made note of the power she held over him, he knew he was in too deep. Common sense told him to let her go, because that was a rational thing to do. Yet, for some reason, he could not give her up, and although it never made sense to him, he stood by his choice.

Of course he was angry that she had not only slept with Tommy, but probably hordes of other men, and he could not fathom why she feared commitment. Her excuse was always that nothing could ever last forever. The words she had used when she stood in front of him in his apartment...those stupid words...rang in his mind for years after:

"Joel, I told you, I'm no ones possession. You and I are partners, and I'm closer to you than anyone. Hell, I have feelings for you. But the way this world is...there's no point in getting seriously involved with anyone."

What bothered him most was that over the years, they  _became_ seriously involved, but she always refused to give it a title because it scared her more than she would admit. She refused to commit because she was addicted to the thrill of the adrenaline in everything that she did, and she also refused to look weakened by love.

Over time, Joel would come to realize her trust issues ran deep before he'd met her. She had been raped by Hunters when she had done one smuggling job wrong, but she'd found her backbone that day, and she killed every single one of them before she made her way back to Boston QZ. Tess also had a terrible relationship with her father, which in turn became many terrible relationships with other men.

Joel, she often said, was the exception...the one true diamond in the rough...and yet he could not understand why she continued to run from commitment.

Eventually, she agreed to move in with him around 2020. But, even still, she would sleep with other men. Of course, he could never be sure of this, but sometimes she would disappear for a day or two without a trace, only to show up again as though nothing happened.

Who was Joel to complain? For one, he was just as emotionally fucked up as she was, just in a different way. And two, why would he give up the only thing that gave him happiness? Yes, she angered him more than anyone he had ever met, and confused him beyond belief, but God damn if he did not love her. It was always evident that she cared for him, and he trusted her more than anyone, even enough to share some of the painful memories of his past.

In his old world, maybe the relationship would have never gotten so far, but not in this one. She was just too special, and he was in too deep. If you took her adventurous streak and inability to commit away, she might be the perfect woman. After all, when both of them were alone at night, the tenderness was exceptional. Two broken souls, without any real morals left, they had so much in common that other people could not fathom. If they were not together, both of them would surely be alone, and although neither would admit it, the thought of that was terrifying.

When things where bad, or when he needed confirmation is mind that it was worth it to stay with her, he would always think back to the first time she told him she loved him. Before she had said it, he often wondered who would be first to say the words. Neither of them were soft-hearted, at least not on the outside, and it was almost as if it were a battle of prides between both of them. Joel had expected to say it first, however, and had assumed it might slip from his mouth when his guard was down, the few times that ever occurred.

Yet, Tess, his dominant counterpart that made his own brutality pale in comparison, had said the words first. Hell, that must have been around 2024, a few years after they had been together, but he had stopped keeping track by then. The memory almost sent chills down his spine.

They had had an argument that night, and although that was not new, what was different this time was that Joel was simply fed up. The man was older, in his late thirties, and his tolerance for unnecessary conflict had just started to thin. For once, the slight difference in their ages had also begun to show. Joel wanted to settle down and had started to make it known instead of keeping it bottled inside, but she resisted tooth and nail. Not to mention, her constant unfaithful tendencies had started to grow old.

At dawn, when she had come home particularly late doing God only knows what, she found his things packed. As she shut the door, she also found his haggard frame sat on the kitchen stool with his back to her.

"You going somewhere?" she accused with a slight laugh, but when he turned to face her, the smile on her lips fell.

"I'm leaving you," he said simply, and felt a sharp pain inside his chest.

"Joel, I know things have never been perfect, but-" she started, with a sarcastic scowl on her face that seemed to suggest that she thought he had overreacted.

"-stop. Now, I think it's best we both go our separate ways," he mumbled, and had started to talk with his hands. If he let his calm act slip, she was surely going to cause havoc.

"Fine, fucking go then, you bastard," she spat, and crossed her arms. Joel could tell she was bluffing, and that she was obviously upset, but none of it mattered.

"Honey...you don't have to act like this. Let's be civil," he started, and his warm, gruff voice soothed her soul, which pissed her off further.

"Why should I be civil? The only man I've ever cared about is about to up and leave me-" she choked.

"-I'm sure you'll find comfort with someone else, you always do," he said, and shook his head.  _Why can't she just be happy with me?_

"But they're not..." she started, and then closed her eyes.

"They're not what?" he asked, now curious that she seemed to be at a loss for words.

"Joel, they're...they're not you," she finally said, and he frowned.

"Obviously, I'm not enough for you. Now you can be happier without me," he raised his voice a little.  _How dare she guilt me when she's the reason I'm doing this?_

"Why would I be happier without you?" she asked slowly.

"Why can't  _you_  be happy with  _just_  me?" he questioned in response.

"Joel, we live together! You're obviously the only one for me," she said.

"I've heard that bullshit before, Tess," he replied, and was now visibly angry. With a quick shake of his head out of annoyance, he pushed past her smaller frame and grabbed his bags by the door.

"Joel, please, please don't go. I look _so_   _stupid_  right now...Joel, what do you need me to do?" she begged, and had positioned herself in front of the door.

"I need you to move," he said simply, but when he brushed against her and walked out the door, he stopped dead in his tracks when he heard her breath catch in her throat. As he turned around again to get a good look at her, he was shocked to see that she was sobbing silently in the door frame.  _I ain't never seen her cry before_.

"Baby..., hey, stop makin' this hard on me. C'mon now, get up," he urged quietly, and tried to lift her from the floor. Although she was smaller than him, she put up quite the resistance, and so he stopped for moment, before he sat down next to her.

"Joel, just..." she would start, and then would be consumed by tears. These words were repeated multiple times before he lost his patience again.

"Tess, either say what you have to say, or let me leave-"

"I love you," she finally choked, and just stared at her hands. Joel stared at her with a shocked expression. _I'll be damned._

_"_ What can I say to make you stay? Don't you feel any obligation to me?" she asked, and looked terrified, maybe even borderline hysterical if he did not say something fast.

"Wait, what did you just say?" he asked in disbelief.

"Joel, I love you, dammit!" she yelled, clearly agitated.

"...I...I need you to commit. No more secrets, no more sneakin' around...I want you to be mine only," he stated, in shock that she had tried so hard to get him to stay. In all honesty, he had expected her to tell him good riddance the moment that she realized what he had planned.

This conversation had been had in similar fashion many times before, with Joel always in a desperate plea to get her to commit, but when she would resist his suggestion, he would always let it go. Then again, he had never been so ready to walk out of her life... _their_  life...until now. To see her so visibly shaken, and with tears, had blown Joel's mind.

"Okay," she agreed.  _Shit_ , _that was easy. Now if I could just calm her down..._

_"_ Tess, baby, look at me," he urged, then took his hand and lifted her chin so he could get a better look. She frowned for a moment, before she eased her hardened expression. "I love you too, all right?" he added softly.

"I know, Joel, and it's about time I start treating you like you deserve."

Luckily for him, Tess remained faithful until the day she died.

Joel felt certain that on that day, he lost a part of himself that would never return. This was true, to an extent, and the memory of Tess still haunted him, because his love for her was so intense.

Yet, his happiness was not spared as a result. No, rather, he had been led to Ellie through Tess. Although he blamed and resented Ellie at first for her death, he came to let these thoughts cease when he too found himself grow attached to the little girl.

_Attached isn't a strong enough word_.

* * *

_A/N: Okay, long, I know, but I wanted to tie in Tommy leaving for the Fireflies, Joel's monstrosities before the game, and the complicated aspects of his relationship with Tess. I hope I tied everything together in a way that was effective. Thanks for reading!_


	8. All We've Been    Through: Ellie (Future)

**2038**

It was 10:00PM, and Joel lay in bed, in an empty house, with a mind that continued to race.

Yesterday, Ellie had turned nineteen without ceremony. Joel, now fifty-three, had not even said two words to acknowledge that it was her special day. It was not as if she was his daughter...why should he shower her with birthday congratulations? They rarely saw one another any more, although they had still continued to live together.

For a few years, they were happy and content in Jackson, and he would even go so far as to admit that he had never been this happy in his life. But then...things just changed. Lately, Joel had been tormented by how to refer to her title, in regard to himself.

No...she was never his daughter, nor had he ever thought of her as a replacement. Sarah and Ellie existed in two completely separate levels in his mind, one not necessarily more important than the other. The main, blood difference between the two, however, that had always been evident in his mind did not matter to him in the slightest.

Sarah, when he allowed himself to think about her, which was far and few in between, was his little girl. She had been his little girl her entire life, and she never lived to outgrow that image. In his mind, she would never age, and his love and devotion would never fade despite the time that passed. It would be impossible to replace her, in fact, he had never wanted to replace her, although he still maintained all the fatherly qualities inside him.

Ellie, on the other hand, had saved him from a life of numb, bleak existence...both literally and figuratively.

The shortness of Sarah's life was a tragedy, and perhaps if she had lived through her adolescence and adulthood, he would have come to lose some of his paternal instincts. Although the love would have remained unchanged, she would have outgrown him to an extent, and he would have learned to let go. Yet, because that time had never come, in the twenty years after her death, he felt he was always stuck in a constant state of playing as the protector.

Joel had never outgrown this essential part of his character.

Though a tenderness existed with Tess, it was often unspoken and saved for exceptionally rare, private moments. There were multiple times with Tess, when something had happened and he wanted to desperately rush in and take care of her, but she often would not allow him to do this. Partly, because she refused to show that kind of weakness unless she could not prevent otherwise, and partly because she knew inside that Joel had an almost selfish desire to feel  _needed_  by someone. Even in her death, although a quick and anxious event that took his mind months to comprehend, there had been no affection between them in the goodbye. In fact, she would have felt cheapened and betrayed if he had reacted in any other way than he had done.

The survival instinct was too strong and too necessary to allow for moments of emotional connection during a high stress moment. Sometimes, it was important to take care of the situation at hand, and only then after was it acceptable to mentally deal with the grief in the future. Tess and Joel had thrived under these conditions, and they knew it was vital to survive for each other despite the cost. If one life was spared, the other would have to continue on out of respect. It was a sick and cold concept, but...so was the world.

Sarah was taken from the world so quickly, he could never allow himself to lose that hidden, paternal part of his personality, even though he tried his best to hide it under a superficial layer of brutality and detachment.

Until he met Ellie, that is...

Ellie had provided him the satisfaction of of being needed, as well as the power to lead, comfort, and teach. All fatherly instincts existed in what seemed to be a parent/child relationship, but there was something in Ellie that he simply could not put his finger on. Their bond was special, but it often confused him, because he was not sure what role he would be expected to fill in her life as she aged.

Always, he had assumed that she would grow and move on with her life, only to leave him in the dust somewhere as an old man, and so he wanted to enjoy their time together until that day would come. What young woman would want to be around an old man, anyway? He had mentally prepared himself for this event, and he did not feel sad, because her happiness was much more important than his own. Joel was well aware of his selfish nature, and after he had lied to Ellie some years ago, he swore he would never sacrifice her independence unless it was on her own terms.

Yet, one day...that one fateful day two years ago as he chopped wood outside, he felt as though he were being watched. In a moment he would never forget, he caught her careful, emerald stare through the window when she thought he wasn't looking...and he saw something there in her eyes that he had never seen before. It was more than admiration, and there was clearly lust...it was as though there was some validation, in her now adult mind, that he was no longer a protector, but he was a  _need,_  in more ways than one.

Joel struggled with this thought for a long time. He was well aware what that look meant...he had just never seen it from  _her_  before.

Ellie was around seventeen then, and she had caught the eyes of more than a few young bucks around their community. That was two years ago... it was evident to him on more than one occasion that she was now physically an adult, and the curves on her body seemed to intensify every day, but he could not allow himself to look at it. At first, he was just uncomfortable, and their relationship had remained unchanged.

Joel also noted that once she had reached around seventeen, Ellie stopped the practice of sneaking into his bed at night. It was almost a comfort to him, to know this, because perhaps she respected the new boundaries that naturally formed because she was older. To an extent, it almost flattered him that she felt such an intense attachment...but after he had caught her in the window, and after he noticed her physical changes...he just could not do it anymore.

Joel had dreaded the day that he may have to bring it up to her to stop, because ever since they had moved in, he had not told Ellie that he was aware of her nighttime habit. Ellie, too, must have been scared of her feelings, and probably had the same thoughts when she ended the practice on her own.

Although it almost saddened him, Joel was relieved.

Roughly a few months ago, when she had still been eighteen, Joel sprang up in bed, with a cold sweat over his body after a nightmare. After he caught his breath, he was shocked to notice that her small presence was in the bed next to him, just like it used to be, and his face twisted disgustedly in response. Ellie turned to him, and looked as if there was nothing wrong.

"...Sorry, I got lonely," she whispered, and searched his face for some sort of comfort. Immediately he got out of bed, and went to stand at the window. It caused irritation in him because her eyes still looked so innocent, and she clearly meant no harm, but he could not help but feel that she had placed him in an uncomfortable position.

"You should go on back to your room," he warned, and with his back to her, he heard her take a deep breath.

"I didn't mean to upset you, I just-" she began.

"-stop. Just...uh, let's pretend this never happened."

"What fucking  _happened_?" she asked, and he turned to look at her, with an incredulous expression on her face.

"Ellie, you know this ain't right. You comin' in here... sleepin' next to me...it's just...wrong," he sputtered, and tried his best to explain.

"Joel, we used to do this all the time. C'mon, this is me your talking to," she defended. The look of hurt in her eyes sent a chill down his spine, but he could see clearly that she was not willing to drop the conversation.

"Times have changed," he replied simply, after a long moment of silence.

"I'm sorry I intruded on your privacy," she said softly, and he was further irritated.

"Ellie, this ain't about privacy!" he finally spat in a whisper, and threw his hands in the air. A deep breath shuddered through him, and he tried to calm down.

"...Are you tired of me? Do you want to get rid of me?" she urged, and rose to her feet to stand in front of him near the window.

At eighteen, she had finally reached full height, and so although he no longer towered above her, she was indeed closer to eye level. This subtle reminder of her maturation formed another knot in his stomach. He was fairly certain there were tears in her eyes, and they glistened in the moonlight.

"No, I just-" he started apologetically, but could not finish.

"-I feel like you've been different lately. If I've done something wrong, let me fix it," she continued to urge.

"No, kiddo, you ain't done nothing wrong..." he said, let out a breath of frustration, and crossed his arms.

"Joel..." she whispered, and placed her small hand against his cheek. Joel froze at the contact with eyes wide.  _Stop this now, goddammit, stop this bullshit_.

"Ellie..." he warned severely, but instead of listening, she took the other hand to his face, and cradled him.

"You're all I have," she whimpered with an affectionate tone, but he scowled in agony.

For a long while he stood there in confusion, eyes glued to hers, and he had never before felt such a pure expression of love. Not even romantic love, or familial love, but just the notion that he was in the presence of the only person who had been through struggle with him, and had decided to accept him despite his own flaws.  _This is how inappropriate shit gets started...what the fuck is wrong with you?_

Joel then tightened, and ripped both hands from his face. Ellie jumped from his obvious and quite violent expression of distaste. Never before had he been so cold.

"Leave," he commanded, and she wasted no time as she ran out of the room, and down the hall toward her own. Joel stood motionless, until he heard her door slam, and then punched the side of the windowsill.

That was five months ago.

Ellie was no longer his baby girl; one, because it seemed ridiculous for a man his age to affectionately call his young companion by that name. Two, because although she was mentally the same person, forced to grow up quickly in this God-forsaken world, physically she was someone unknown to him, and it frightened him beyond his control.

Hell, she had never truly  _been_  his baby girl, as the person who once held that title had died almost 30 years ago, along with a huge part of himself. The term of endearment did not suggest a familial bond in his mind, rather, he had let it slip out of habit when he found Ellie in distress, and the term stuck.

_"I'm not her, ya know..."_

At first, he knew he used Ellie selfishly as a crutch to help him through his prolonged grief, although it had been an unconscious decision. When she spoke those words at the cottage, before that horrible winter, he reacted in outrage not only because she had crossed the line, but because deep down he realized that Ellie was right.

After that, Joel did not think of her as a a means to deal with the loss of Sarah. After that night, Ellie had become someone who he viewed as stronger than himself, stronger than anyone he had ever encountered, and possibly the most important thing in his life. It was due to this that he changed his mind to escort her himself to the Fireflies...and why it tore him apart when all those terrible things happened that Winter while he was unconscious.

Ellie was his responsibility, but would this responsibility evolve, or would it eventually expire?

Things changed drastically after their argument in his bedroom, when she had tried to fall asleep with him. At that moment, Joel visibly noticed the love in her eyes. Not just pure lust as he had assumed before, but complex and complete  _love_.

Joel could deal with lust, that was easy to avoid, but love? Love could ruin someone's life, especially after everything they had been through.

But was he looking out for Ellie's best interests, or his own?

There were times after that when he found himself avoiding her at all costs, sometimes for days, and he could tell she was still upset. However, she was well aware of Joel's nature, and because of their unspoken agreement, she always refused to press him whenever he seemed to be deeply bothered by something. If it was as bad as she thought, he would not talk about it anyway.

Deep inside, it tore him apart that she was so clearly distraught over his behavior, but he refused to succumb to some of the thoughts that almost formed in his mind when he let his guard down.

Joel was made physically sick from these thoughts, harbored deep inside. The man acted as though he was a caged animal in his own home, afraid and irritated to be around Ellie whenever she was there, for fear of the emergence of an a slew of emotions that he had not felt since Tess. The whole thing was so complicated that he often refused to think about it.

Their conversations were short and useless, much like when they had first met each other. Joel could see that Ellie was miserable, but she fought hard inside to keep herself together in front of him. From this, he was further disturbed by his actions. On one hand, he needed to avoid her to maintain a safe distance from the dangerous territory that was sure to form in his mind if they became as close as they once were. On the other hand, he felt terrible that Ellie must have felt as though she was the problem, as though she had done something wrong, when in fact she had no idea that his resistance came from his troubled mind.  _This ain't fair for her...but I cannot...I...I'm not gonna let myself do this._

Joel was not sure if he was more scared because he felt like an inappropriate pedophile, or if he was so deeply afraid to romantically love someone that he could not fathom the idea. Both were equally horrific.

How had it come to this?

* * *

**Later That Night**

Joel paced the floor; although he had been a complete ass to Ellie, and had ignored her at all costs, he was always well aware of her presence at home. In fact, although she was ignorant of the fact, Joel knew her whereabouts at any given time just for the peace of mind.

The time was roughly 3AM, and Ellie still had not come home. The other kids-  _Goddammit, young adults-_ in town had decided to throw her a nineteenth birthday party. Joel had been invited as a polite gesture, but he was well aware that he would have stuck out like a sore thumb in front of all those young people. Although they would not have minded his presence in the slightest, he could not stand to celebrate the real cause of their conflict.  _Why couldn't she have stayed the little girl I knew at fourteen?_

All these thoughts aside, Ellie was supposed to have been home by 1AM.

It wasn't like she owed it to him to be home on time. For one, he had been a complete monster toward her lately, and he knew it was almost hypocritical to be angry that she had not come home. Not only that, but Joel had offered her complete freedom when she turned eighteen last year, although she was not his to dictate, nor did eighteen have any legal significance in this world. Ellie had rejected the offer, however, and had insisted that she stay with him because she was happiest there.

A knot formed in his stomach at this memory, but he quickly put the nostalgia aside as he heard the front door open. Without any hesitation, he flew quickly down the stairs, and caught her stagger against the door as she tried, and failed, to close it quietly.

"Where in the  _hell_  where you?" he spat, arms crossed, and watched as she struggled to stand still. The green eyes were bloodshot, and an odd smile was spread across her face.

"Joely...!" she exclaimed with an excitement he had never seen, and she stumbled toward him.  _Was that a fucking nickname, or is she just shit-faced?_

"Ellie..." he muttered through gritted teeth, wide eyes, and balled fists.

"Jus...jus lisen ta me, kay? Ples, don...don ignor me..." she began seriously, and then busted into a fit of giggles before she fell on the floor. Instantly, he got a whiff of what seemed to be whiskey.

"You're too young for this stupid shit. When the hell did you start drinkin'?" he spat, and took a few steps backward to distance himself from her grabby fingers. Although his first reaction was to move, he was in a desperate attempt internally to stifle the urge to pick her up and take care of her until she was sober once again.

"I av been doin ah laht of things you don know about..." she said, now with a devious expression, and her fit of happiness seemed over. Joel was tempted to ask what she meant, and order her to tell him the truth, but realized that whatever she did when he was not around, was  _not_  his business. She appeared to struggle on the floor to get up, but he refused to help her, and continued to back away.

"Keepin' me up all night, and comin' home drunk as a skunk...this is the dumbest thing you've ever done," he reprimanded, and felt stupid as the words came out of his mouth, but he could not help but release his frustrations. After all, there was a slight chance that she would not remember.

"You don caare waht I do," she spat, and for a second the pain and anger allowed her eyes to focus on his own. Joel just shook his head at the ridiculous scene.

"You're right. You're entitled to doing whatever it is you please, so long as it doesn't interfere with me. But  _this_...this is unacceptable," he said, and he felt like he was giving a lecture.

"Fuck you Joel, you're not my father," she antagonized, and it sounded clear as day. She must have had those words on her mind for a very long time, and they stung like acid had been thrown on his body.  _I deserved that_.

"I know that," he said after a long sigh, with an expression of understanding, and nodded.

"I...I ahm so so sorry. Don upset me, it's my birthdai Joely," she whimpered, and then suddenly looked as though she was about to cry. Joel was stricken with sadness and guilt.  _I drove her to act like this_.

"Let's get you upstairs into your room, okay?" he urged, and he was surprised when she nodded. More than ever, he was convinced that he owed her an apology, but there would be no reason to give her one while she was this intoxicated. It did seem as though she would remember everything in the morning, because she clearly was not to the point of blackout, but Ellie was difficult enough as it was sober. There was no way in hell Joel would attempt to talk with her in this state.

Ellie crawled to the sofa as a means to lift herself off the ground, and Joel waited patiently as she drunkenly maneuvered toward him near the steps. For peace of mind, he refused to help her unless she truly needed it, because he knew he would gain satisfaction from the process. The steps gave her a hell of a time, as he expected, but he waited behind her in case she fell. About halfway up, she moved to her knees and started to crawl up, before she stopped all together.

"I ahm sooo fucked. Halp, pleees?" she finally asked, and he almost smiled, but his face still looked dangerously conflicted.

"C'mere, I gotcha," he said as he picked her up, and helped her into her room before he sat her down on her bed. The weight of her own body seemed to be too much to handle, and she flopped on her side.

Joel left the room for a moment, only to return with a wastebasket, which he sat next to her side of the bed. Ellie, who turned her head to see him better, looked confused and almost agitated.

"If you feel sick, you throw up in there, all right?" he asked, and she nodded to confirm. Joel was not sure what her alcohol tolerance was, nor was he aware of how much she drank. For a moment he considered asking her, but at this point, he was not sure if she would know either. The last thing he wanted was to spend all night cleaning vomit from her sheets, if it came down to that conclusion.

"Fahl sleep nex to me," she mumbled, and Joel ignored her comment as he made his way to the other side of her room, to sit in an armchair as far from her as possible.

"I'm gonna sleep right here, and I'm not far if you need me," he said calmly.

"Why can't you jus do waht I want onnne time?" she whined.

"Ellie..." he moaned from annoyance.

"I like tha way you say my name," she purred, and his head snapped to attention, while his heart stopped.

" _What_?" he spat, and instantly regretted his reply.

"I like everything you do," she added, almost clear as day yet again.

Joel did not reply, and was instead consumed by the rapid thoughts in his conscience.

"In fact, I've never liked anyone the way I like you," she continued, but her voice sounded sad.

"...If you take this conversation any further, I'm leaving," he finally said after a long pause. "And I won't come back."

Luckily, Ellie did not reply.

He meant his words in more than just the context of tonight. A few weeks ago, when he had felt particularly depressed about the entire situation, he considered sneaking out of the house one night without a trace. Joel figured he could live out the rest of his life alone, and hoped death would find him quickly. Maybe a stalker would find him in a building when he least expected, or even a hunter...or maybe he would finally succumb to his demons and pull the trigger himself.

Joel brushed the thoughts away with a shake of his head, and put one hand across his face, as if it could calm him down. Ellie did not stir, and he assumed she had fallen asleep, and therefore he got up to take a good look at her to be sure.

He was not sure how long he stared at her, but he quickly snapped out of it once he realized how creepy and ridiculous it seemed. The shock of his own actions caused him to jump, but then his eyes settled on something that did not seem to belong in her room at all.

On her nightstand, a bright, bubble-gum pink notebook sat carefully a midst the neutral colors of the room.  _Ellie hates pink..._

Joel lingered in his position for a moment, certain that she had found this notebook somewhere and had probably hidden it in her backpack. The real question that concerned him was what content the pages held.  _Is it her notebook...or is it someone else's that she's been using as entertainment?_

The latter did not seem far fetched in his mind, as he often collected memoirs to gain an insight into the past, but it was not a habit that he had noticed in Ellie. As for the former, he was not sure Ellie was the kind of person to write her thoughts somewhere that someone could gain such easy access into.

His conscience burned...he knew damn well he should not look into it, as none of it could be any of his business. And yet, perhaps the information he needed to make things right between them was written inside! After all, it was all just lying there...

_You're a sick old man, you know that?_

Joel stopped his mental debate, and silently grabbed the journal, before he sat down again in the armchair across the room. For a long while, his rough fingers traced around the outside of the notebook, and he held himself in suspense, before he finally opened the treasure he had discovered.

There, in scribbled letters along the first page, read:

**_Ellie's Journal (Keep the Fuck Out!)_ **

Joel almost laughed at her nature, before he realized the seriousness of what he was about to do, and that he was dead set on snooping through her thoughts. The decisive moment was here and now, and it stared him in the face as if to question his real intentions. It was wrong, but it also seemed necessary...

_Fuck it, I've done worse._

* * *

_Next chapter: the contents of Ellie's Journal!_

_Also, the "it was all just lying there" was directly taken from the in-game achievement._ _Since I worked so hard on getting all the artifacts, as I am sure most of you did, I figured I should throw it in the fiction._ _I'm glad to say I have almost every achievement, except for the multi-player ones, and I'm currently working on completing Grounded Mode (God help me). I think this is my 4th play through, but it's my first Grounded attempt and I have to say, it's killing me. I did just fine on Survivor and Survivor Plus...but this is just another level entirely._

_Sorry, I had to vent there. If you've played Grounded, you'll understand!_


	9. Do I Wanna Know: Ellie (Future)

**Ellie's Journal (Keep the Fuck Out!)**

**Winter, January? 2034**

I don't...know how to start this kind of thing. I know Joel collects diary's like these, and I've read a few myself when he isn't looking, but it feels totally weird talking to myself into these pages. That being said, I think I need to do this for my sanity.

Um...it's fucking freezing out, and it's getting hard to concentrate, but I feel like if I don't write all this down, I'm going to start losing my mind. I can't get crazy...Joel needs me too much.

His life depends on it.

I haven't spoken to anyone in weeks, but I've kinda lost track of the time. It took me a few days to drag Joel into this garage, and to be honest I don't know how either of us are alive right now, but somehow we've managed. It might be stupid to refer to Joel as though he's a live being as of the moment, because I can't be sure that he's ever going to recover from his fall. For all I know, he could be a vegetable inside that troubled mind of his...but I can't think like that right now.

I really thought he was dead when he dropped off the horse. His eyes rolled into the back of his head and his breathing was shallow. I shook him, gently at first, but then hard as I lost my patience. For some reason, I couldn't cry; I could only force myself to drag him somewhere safe. I think I finally learned that survival instinct from Joel...but it feels like more of a burden than anything. I feel like I've lost a bit of my humanity, but I don't think that kind of soft trait helps anyone in this world. That's probably why Joel gets so upset with me sometimes.

After about an hour, I had stopped his bleeding, but we were making terrible progress. I drug him, myself, and the horse into the woods and we stayed there for the night. I didn't sleep, because I was too paranoid, and my eyes burned like hell, but once the sun came up, I figured I could save some energy if I tied Joel to Callus.

There was some leftover rope in Joel's backpack...I don't know if that was a miracle or if he just keeps random shit in there, but it might have helped save his life. I wasn't going to complain. I was too scared to cut off his blood supply, so I tied a knot to Joel's backpack with him still in it, and then I tied a loose knot to Callus' neck.

I had Callus trot slowly, so Joel wouldn't get hurt while his body grazed the ground. It seems so wrong and careless looking back, but I couldn't lift him up onto Callus, and if I alone was dragging him along, who knows how long it would have taken us to reach this place. Occasionally we'd stop for water, but food was hard to come by.

Luckily, the snow hadn't started to fall then, so there were some leftover berries in the woods. I mashed them up and forced them into his mouth, and he gagged for a minute, so I clamped his lips shut before it went down. For a second I hoped he might wake up, but he didn't.

On the third day, we found this neighborhood, and I chose this house because it seemed easy enough to defend if shit were to go down. When I finally got him into the garage, and found a blanket to get him warm, I let myself cry.

I cried for a long time, and the tears stung my face, and I felt fucking stupid as hell, but I also felt a lot better after I got all my emotions out. After that, I went upstairs to see if I could find any supplies, when I stumbled upon this diary. I've been staring at it for a long time, feeling numb, and not really knowing what to say.

Oh...Joel's moaning again. I don't know when I might write next. Maybe in a few months. Hopefully, Joel will be better by then when he wakes up- if he wakes up-  _fuck_  Ellie, stop thinking shit like that.

**Spring, March 2034**

I've never been more thankful to have Joel next to me, but I've also never felt more alone. I can't...talk to him anymore, even though I know he's desperate to get me back to normal.

That always makes me more sad...to know that I've tried _so_  hard for  _so_  long to get him to open up to me, and now that he's finally talking to me on his own, I'm usually so lost in my thoughts that I don't hear him.

I've never seen him look so conflicted and so lost. It's my fault. He gets this painful look on his face, like he's almost irritated, but then his face softens, and he goes right back to leaving me alone. A small part of me wants to apologize for being so lost, but then I would have to admit to him that something is wrong with me, and I won't do that. Of course he knows I'm not right in the head right now...but I feel like if I  _admit_  that weakness, it would break his heart.

I still have to be strong for him.

...But how can I be strong for someone when I have nothing left inside? That monster...he fucking...took away my peace of mind.

At the cabin...after everything that  _happened,_  I've never seen Joel so tender and gentle. There was this whole other side to him, and I realized how human we both were, despite how hard he tried to pretend that he wasn't anymore.

I was almost angry that he showed how much he cared about me, because I felt like it made me look even more like a scared little kid. I just wanna be strong, dammit, but I feel my grasp slipping, and he's very aware.

At night, I can feel Joel hold me a little tighter. When I'm awake I can feel his careful gaze, like he's trying to see through my fucking soul, if those kind of things even exist. I used to think they did...but I don't know anymore. He treats me a little more carefully than he used to, like he expects me to fall apart at any moment. Like he's just waiting patently to piece me back together, just in case I lose my shit.

I think I need help.

Joel's dying to understand, but I can't explain myself.

I don't even fucking know myself anymore.

I think in the past, people used to write good and bad experiences in these diaries. But, I wonder... why I should bother at all if anything good happens? Something terrible will just come along and ruin the happiness.

The world doesn't allow for much else. If I wait long enough, I could just write a tragedy. That's all anything amounts to in the end, anyway.

**Spring, May 2034**

Joel has lied to my face. I'm sure of it.

The way his eyes didn't falter when he swore to me...the way he didn't even take a second to consider my question, was so very unlike Joel that I am absolutely positive he isn't telling the truth. Maybe that shit would have worked with someone else, but it wasn't going to work with me. Joel isn't the kind of man to speak without careful consideration, hell we've been companions for almost a year and I'm just now getting used to his quiet habits.

The man is fucking liar!

I almost find it funny, because a part of me doesn't even want to dwell on the issue. Someday, I'll get it out of him, or he'll crack from the guilt. At this point, after all that's happened, I just want to enjoy life, and if that means avoiding the fact that the person closest to me has lied to my face, I'll deal with it. I've been through worse.

A small part of me thinks a little differently about him now, but I haven't lost respect for him. The most frustrating thing for me is that he actually believed I would fall for his bullshit lie. I can ignore that he lied to me, but the simple fact that he thought I wouldn't notice, when I know him better than anyone...it's bullshit!  _Bullshit_.

What also really fucking bugs me is that he still has this save-Ellie-from-despair-to-be-a-hero complex. I know my best interest was in his heart, it always is, but Joel is going to have to come to respect the fact that I'm growing older if we're going to live together.

_*sigh*_  Of course, I was pretty broken a few months ago, and I just recently got a little better, so I...know it's natural for him to feel protective...it even feels good to know someone will have my back no matter what. Sometimes I can't fucking stay mad at him, and I get the sense that this feeling is morphing into something else. But what the hell do I know?

BUT what I DO know, is that the mother fucker lied! Okay, maybe this is going to bother me more than it should. The asshole is stirring next to me, so I should put this away for now in case he wakes up.

**Fall, September 2035**

I have not written in quite a long time. It's funny, how time changes a person, and the way the think, feel, and act. Time offered a complete metamorphosis of the being. I am still very much myself, and I still cuss like a sailor, though I must admit I feel as though I am much more articulate than I was before. Perhaps that is a normal response to aging as well as the physical differences.

Believe it or not, I think I'm becoming attractive (holy shit, right?). Maria said so herself, and with the way the other guys my age have been acting, I would have to agree. Joel is one of the few people who treats me exactly the way he always has, which is a relief as well as a burden. Maybe this is just classic denial on the old man's part, or maybe he just respects me too much to focus on my new appearance. I love that Joel enjoys my character, but it bothers me to know that he still visualizes me as a child... as an inferior, or maybe as a replacement.

My responsibilities and needs are much different than they used to be, though I do see him struggling to give me more independence, which I appreciate. He's actually encouraged me to spend time with some other boys my age, though I can see he's uncomfortable with this and he's only encouraging me for my benefit. Hell, maybe Tommy and Maria have been pressuring him to let me act my age.

That being said, I find it difficult to "act my age"...whatever that phrase entails. I have nothing in common with the other boys, and although I have a few girls that I am close to, the only person I can be  _myself_  with is Joel.

As for Joel, the man only talks to Tommy, Maria, and I. Thankfully, he is much more open with me than he used to be, though he is still far from being an open book. It makes me feel good to finally understand him more...and in turn, he listens to me with eager eyes about my life before him.

About a year ago Tommy tried setting him up with Esther, but that did not go very well. She seemed clearly interested in him, and Joel seemed to be doing his best to talk to her, but it all seemed so _forced_.

At first, Joel thought I would feel as though I was second best, and I assured him this would not be the case, because he deserved happiness more than anyone. Even so, there was something in his eyes, a certain reluctance, that would appear whenever she was around. It only lasted a few months, before Joel ended it, and for some reason, I felt lighter than air.

Joel told me that he preferred my company to any other, and although I knew this already, there was something in this sacrifice that made me feel warm affection deep inside my stomach.

One time, I brought a boy over, named Jonny, just to see Joel's reaction. He watched us together like a hawk, even though he thought he was being sneaky. On the couch, Jonny boy got a little too touchy-feely, so I kicked him out. Before I could even turn around from the door, Joel flew down the steps before he threatened to beat the kid to a pulp. I laughed it off and told him I was capable of just as much, to which he agreed, and then we went on with our lives.

Yet...there was a certain possessiveness that radiated from his being, and for some reason, ever since that day, it made me feel  _good_. However, I don't think the feeling will last...but if it does...well, I am not sure what will happen in our future.

**Summer, August 2036**

I have done something that cannot be undone.

For some reason unknown to me, I cannot get the image of the man down the hall out of my mind. I am well aware about adolescence and hormones, but this is much more than some teenage lust on my part. One day, I pieced together what I had unintentionally been avoiding.

My emotional connection to Joel has always been exceptional, but I think this connection has accidentally planted seeds of something much larger than feelings toward another person in my mind. Or, rather, my heart...I do not believe love is an altogether logical experience. Jeez, what the  _fuck_  am I saying?

I was sitting in the kitchen with some water just this afternoon, the day was hot and ridiculous. Joel was outside, chopping wood for the cool weather that was soon to arrive, as per usual during this time of year. After I took a drink, I got up to take him some water outside, but I stopped short in the kitchen window.

Joel was outside, in a ratty old white T-shirt that was much too snug for his taste, and the sinewy threads of his muscle were visible through the cotton. His arms raised above him, and then released their pent up energy upon the wood below, splitting not only the timber in half, but my mindset as well.

There was something oddly sexual about it.

Sweat poured off from his brow, there was a certain darkness in his eyes, and his face was flushed from the heat. To be completely honest, I have no idea how long I stood inside watching him. My brief escapade into voyeurism, however, was cut short when he made eye contact with me.

At first, I was not sure if I had imagined it, but then a look of astonishment painted his features, and he shifted uncomfortably with the ax in his hand. Quickly, I walked away from the window and went upstairs into my room, and considered what I had just done. I've been up here ever since.

This is awful.

I know I've had a thing for Joel for quite some time, but I had expected it to fade. My assumption was that I felt so attached to him because there was no one else I had ever wanted to be with, but I'd never experienced a physical attraction to him. I am seventeen years old, I am well aware of what attraction feels like, I've even been attracted to a few guys my age even though I didn't  _like_  them, but today...this...this was different.

I will never be able to go back from this point on, and I have always known I was in this for life, though now it is in an entirely different way than I had imagined with Joel. This realization, however, is not my biggest concern.

My biggest concern is that he caught me, and I know he's never going to shake the uncomfortable way it made him feel. That being said, I do not know if he feels the same or if he is genuinely appalled. Either way, I'm still screwed, because this will not sit well with him.

I haven't spent a night alone ever since I met Joel, but something tells me that tonight will be the first time in years. I simply cannot face him, and I know he will not face me.

**Fall, November 2037**

Fear and loneliness has a funny way of bearing down on troubled mind.

I had a nightmare a few weeks ago, a stupid fucking nightmare, that took me back to feeling as though I was fourteen years old again. The only source of comfort I can imagine whenever anything goes wrong is Joel; he's my rock, and I'm his, and despite the way that our dynamic has subtly changed in the recent past, that part never disappeared.

It's all over now, I think...holy shit I think I've ruined everything.

I've accidentally taken things too far without his permission to do so, and in placing him in an awkward position, I am almost positive he will never bring it up again. We will just ignore each other for the rest of our lives, I suppose, and although it's a bleak existence, I refuse to leave him alone in this house. We still need each other.

For some reason, I was compelled to crawl into bed with him after my nightmare, although it's been a very long time since I've done that. It felt comforting and right, but then I felt him grow restless next to me, and he woke up. I wish I could burn the horrified expression on his face from my mind.

There was an argument, but when I tried to make things better...he raised his voice and told me to get out.

I am a big girl, and I am independent, but I would be lying if I did not say that it hurt my feelings.

Joel  _really hurt my feelings_ , but I think I deserved it! And I am well aware that things will never be the same...We have not even made eye contact with one another.

For some reason, I found comfort in that boy named Jonny. We've known each other for a while, so I decided to start leading him on to take the pain away that I felt from Joel. That is obviously very wrong, but, I felt like I needed to feel  _loved_  by someone. In fact, these past few weeks the bond between us actually grew and I came to respect him a little more, though I have no feelings for the boy whatsoever. He really likes me, however...

...I let Jonny take my virginity tonight in the hope that I could lose my mind in him and move on from Joel, but that did not happen. Of course, now I just feel more empty. And I feel stupid.

There is no one for me turn to who can take my pain away, hell, I don't even have a friend who could understand enough to listen. The only person that I want to talk to is avoiding me like the plague, but I don't even think I could tell him what I've done.

Joel would be ashamed of me. The only reason I know this because I am ashamed of myself.

* * *

_Next...Joel's response to the diary, as well as a much needed conversation._


	10. In Wine There Is Truth: Ellie (Future)

**2038**

Joel forced the journal shut into his lap and stared into the distance, fists balled tightly to maintain his composure. As though he were a bystander who witnessed a tragic accident, he could not prevent himself from his spiral into the obscure, train wreck of a climax in Ellie's journal. Now, as he sat there, he felt himself grow nauseated at the entire thing.

That last part, about when she gave herself to the boy, killed Joel inside. With her virginity had gone the last piece of the old innocence that she maintained, and now he was forced to view her as an adult. Not only that, but it had been a bit traumatic for her, and she had become depressed.

It was not special like it should have been. Joel thought back to when he and Vera had sex for the first time, and tasted regret on his tongue. That experience was awful, but at least he had assumed he loved Vera back then. Ellie knew damn well she held no interest for the boy she lost it to, and that must have been so much worse.

This had gone too far, now he had started to inflict pain on the only person he loved in the world.

First off, a part of him wished he had not read anything at all. A teeny, tiny part of him was intrigued as she sang his praises in the beginning, and he admired her strength, but he felt his face grow red with blush as her entries became more...emotionally charged. All those pent up feelings were geared toward him, as he had always suspected for the past year or so, but, much to his horror, he now knew she was in love with him.

That was what worried him before he had even started to read; he knew there was no way to undo any of that from her young mind. Love, Joel often thought, was traumatic. It forced one to behave in ways they normally would not, and in turn, it changed a person entirely. None of those feelings were necessarily negative, but in this specific case, he could not imagine it would end well for his companion.

What could a hardened, bastard of an old man provide for a young... _woman_...who was so optimistic and bright? Ellie had a future in Jackson, she could settle down and have children if she wanted; Joel, on the other hand, was just killing time before his borrowed time on Earth ran out. Although she had provided him with a reason to survive, he could not help but consider that he was just too old and too tired to care anymore.  _Fifty-three, in this world, is just too god damned long_.

Of course, he had found real happiness here, but even that was short-lived. Joel would be damned if he would take Ellie down with him as his own ship sunk due to his own accord. No matter what, he would have to convince her to give up this little fantasy of hers and move on, even though he knew it was too late for that kind of progress. Either way, they were destined for a bleak future: if he gave her what she probably wanted, he would not even live long enough to see her reach her forties, but if he refused her, how could he expect that not to have some emotional damage for her?

_No...she's still young...maybe I could convince her to move on, for my sake._

With all these thoughts, Joel suddenly realized he had never explicitly made it clear in his own mind about his new found opinion of Ellie. Although his obvious love for her was no surprise to him, he never allowed any physical opinion about her to form his mind. That being said...she was very beautiful in her own way to him, but beautiful did not necessarily mean sexual attraction. Yes, she had supple hips and a round bottom, and a certain pout to her lips, not to mention that although small, she had a very French appearance to her bosom, but none of that meant anything.

Right?

_Right?_

_Fuck, who am I kidding, that little girl became my dream woman somewhere down the line, and I can't even put my finger on when it happened. Of course I have feelin's for her, and I've dreamed about it...but dreamin's for the weak minded, and we live in the fuckin' real world. Get your shit together, Joel._

Surprisingly, the age difference did not bother him because it was frowned upon by others. Joel never gave a damn about the opinions of others, and he was not about to start this late in his life. That being said, what did bother him was that she would inevitably watch him die. After all the loss she had experience in her young life, Joel knew that if something were to happen to him, she would never recover.

After all, if anything happened to  _her_ , he knew he would not last an hour. On their travels, Joel had decided that should any misfortune fall upon her, he would have to pull the trigger on himself as quickly as possible.

But, if he died as a father figure, that could be more bearable for her. Children are aware that they outlive their parents. But, the death of a life partner involved much more pain, especially when she would have no one else to turn to for comfort. Of course, Joel would probably not outlive Tommy and Maria, but even though they would be alive to keep Ellie company, and even though she loved them, they could not even compare to the bond that he had with her.

Ellie was so much like Joel that it frightened him, and it often made him feel bad for the poor old soul, stuck in the body of a nineteen year old.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Ellie mumbled across the room, and Joel jumped. The sun had started to rise in the window.  _Jesus, your dumb ass lost track of time._

_"..._ How you feelin'?" he managed to choke, as this was the first sober conversation they had had in months.

"Like shit, but only half of it's from the whiskey, asshole," she spat, and sat up in bed to glare at him. Joel stared her down, and took a deep breath.

"Listen, I haven't been treatin' you well, and I know you're angry. You deserve to be angry. Figure I owe you one hell of an apology," he mumbled, somehow fascinated that he had pushed his previous, secret thoughts away, and looked into his hands. _I'm too good at avoidance_.

Instantly, his eyes fell to the diary that he still clutched, and he heard Ellie gasp as she noticed at the same time that he did.

"You son of a bitch. If you wanted to know what was on my mind, all you had to do was ask," she said, and her words cut through him like glass.

"I saw it next to your bed last night...after I got your drunken ass to sleep," he managed to yell back, though he did not feel real aggression. The man was doing his best to shift her attention. Ellie's eyes narrowed, and instantly he knew she would not fall for his attempt to sidetrack her from the subject.

"Don't pull that shit with me, Joel, please. Talk to me."

"Now, listen-" he began.

"-No, you listen. You're a nosy fuck and you shouldn't have read any of that, but I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I know more than ever that I need you Joel. Let me explain."

"There's nothing to explain. You have a crush; all little girl's have a crush now and then, ain't no harm in it as long as you get over it quick," he lied through his teeth, and felt his heart break.

Of course he knew she loved him, and of course she was a grown woman, but if he said those words  _out loud_  instead of inside his head, it would confirm it... and make the situation real. Joel needed more time to think. Suddenly, he felt emotion bubble under his cool exterior, and it seemed to consume him.

"You're lying again. But that's okay, I always know when you're lying," she hinted, and he felt as though he needed air.

"Ellie, I'm not ready to have this conversation, okay? I need time," he choked, and her face softened when she realized how unstable he felt. Tears almost pricked at his eyes, and he coughed to make them go away.

"Joel...please, I know love you. And I know you love me too, and I don't see why we can't start living our lives together like a couple," she said quickly, and moved toward him before he flinched.

"No! No, god dammit!" he yelled, now aggressive, and she stared at him. "I was doing just fine...just fine," he said, and his voice caught at the end.

"What are you talking about?" she asked, slowly.

"Why can't you just leave me alone? Can't you see this is hard?"

"Let me understand."

They sat there together in silence for a long time as Joel paced the room. Numerous expressions formed across his face, and he felt like that past 30 years were on repeat in his mind, up until the point where they both stood today.

"When Tess died, I resented you. I damn near wanted hate you for it...and then..." he gestured with his hands, and the wrinkles around his eye increased as he struggled to continue. "...Then I felt myself gettin' attached like I shouldn't."

"Like...romantically...like it felt inappropriate because I was so young?"

"No! No, it wasn't even like that yet, but it was worse than that. You became my life, and it felt good to care about someone again...to take  _care_  of someone, because we only had each other. I hate myself for it, and I hate that I met you because you made me feel this way."

"You're blaming me for your feelings? So you regret it...you regret  _me_... you regret everything..." she stated, without an actual question. Joel's face softened, and his eyes grew wide.

"No, I...I don't regret anything. I just wonder how in the hell we got here is all, and I cannot fathom any favorable outcome for either of us," he said, voice full of sorrow, with a shrug of his shoulders.

"But you do blame me."

"Well, yeah."

"Joel, that is the most incredibly stupid and juvenile thing I've ever heard."

"I know that! I'm tellin' you the truth, it's how I feel. Thought you might appreciate that."

"Why are you struggling so much with this?"

"Those feelins' of attachment made me weak. I was doin'...I was doin'  _just fine_. Things got even better once we got here, and then you spring all this shit on me and I'm forced to deal with it! Can't you just be happy with someone else?"

"No!" she almost squealed in outrage.

"Why don't you try, dammit," he growled, and became visibly irate.

_"_ Joel, did you expect to live your life like some emotional fucking cripple? I know it was necessary for survival, I get it! But you need to stop using it as a crutch...I mean look at us now. We're allowed to live our lives and try to move on."

"No, Ellie, just-"

"-no, fucking shut up for a second. You always preach to me like some fucking invalid who doesn't have a say, but I have a  _say_  now Joel. This is my life too! Isn't that what you always told me? _Things happen and we move on_. Stop being such a hypocrite and  _move on_. Not just for your sake, but for mine. Please," she said.

"What can I give you that some young buck can't? You gonna watch me grow old and die before you're thirty-five? Assuming the infected don't get me first. You gonna wipe my ass and the slobber from my mouth when I'm too god damn old to even recognize who you are? You ain't never seen old age, Ellie, I don't think you get-"

"-Stop! Joel, I can't be with anyone else and neither can you. We've come too far now. And as for everything you've just said...I mean, I'm a little offended that you think so little of me. If you ever got sick and old, I wouldn't want anything more than to take care of you. You always took care of me."

"Exactly, and that dynamic ain't never gonna change if I have any say," he replied, firm and stern.

"-Don't play this off like you're only concerned for my well-being. I know my well being is your main priority, and a part of me is glad for that, but a lot of these feelings you have are just your way of shutting yourself down because you can't deal with all these changes! You're so used to not  _feeling_  anything...and you can't handle this. You're protecting yourself."

"Ellie, this conversation ain't goin' no where, and it's just gonna drive us further apart. Let's just prete-"

"...Oh...I get it now, this is all to soothe your selfish ego because you don't wanna look fragile. Well, Joel, lemme tell ya, I've never seen you more weak and pathetic than you look now. Trying to avoid me when I pour my heart out to you because you're scared of your feelings. It's okay, I don't feel rejection, I know you better than that. I'm stronger than that. I'm stronger than  _you_."

"...What difference would it make if I told you I loved you? That's nothing you don't already know. I can't imagine what more you  _want_  from me," he said, brow furrowed. In his heart, he felt a stab of pain when he realized what he had just admitted, and he thought he saw a similar reaction from Ellie, but she seemed preoccupied with other thoughts.

"I want you in every way, not just with your words. And, none of this is just about what  _I_  want Joel. It's about what  _we_  need. Don't you understand the difference?" she whispered.

"What you need, is someone who can be there for you the rest of your life. And I can't give you that."

"What about what you need? Don't you need someone to love you...make you feel significant...I know there are emotions under that hardened face, Joel."

"Emotions get people killed, Ellie."

"Not here in Jackson, not anymore."

"Emotions won't get you  _physically_  killed here, but they can still kill you in other ways... _'death of the heart'_... you have no idea," Joel whispered, somehow miraculous that he had recalled the words of Oscar Wilde, and forced down bile in his throat at their significance.

"If that's the case Joel, you're already dead if you refuse my proposition."

"I've been dead inside for a long time."

"No, you clearly fucking haven't! And the fact that you avoid it so much proves my point even more. You may have been brutal, and you may have done awful things, but you're still the best person I know Joel."

"Am I supposed to feel better now that you've said that?"

"Okay...another point then...what if I told you that by not being with me, you'd be ruining my life? Would that change your mind? And don't you think you owe it to me to give me what I want after you lied to me all those years ago? I never pressed you about it, because I knew you wouldn't tell me. You see, I value  _your_  feelings more than I value my own. So I left it  _alone_! I think it's time you start valuing me more than you value yourself, you selfish fuck."

"Obviously I value you more than I value myself, god dammit. If you don't know that by now then you don't know jack shit," he replied, eyes dark.

"Well then, I guess there's nothing left for me here. You aren't going to budge, and my needs aren't going to disappear."

"What are you suggesting?'

"Since you can't give me what  _we_  need, and since you obviously want to torture yourself, I'll let you wallow alone. That's what you want, isn't it? Isn't that what you wanted from the beginning, when I was just cargo?"

"Ellie, now just hold on a minu-"

"-I don't have any time left to waste, Joel. I've already wasted five years of my life. I'm gonna leave now, okay? Don't worry, I won't come back."

"Are you threatening me?" he pressed.

"I would never threaten you, I'm just giving you what you want."

They stared at each other for a long time. For a moment, Joel thought she had attempted to bluff to get a reaction from him, but then he realized that she was not that type of individual. Conflicted emotions ran through his mind as he searched her face, but he considered that she may be better off if she left him. _Maybe she could move on...isn't that what you wanted?_

"If you wanna leave...I...won't stop you."

"I don't want to leave, but I think you'll be happier if I go."

"Okay, then" he finally replied, and she nodded slowly, before she started to leave the room. Suddenly, she turned around.

"Don't kill yourself over this."

"I can't make any promises," he replied sadly.

Then, she left, and Joel was lost.

* * *

_OKAY, angst and a cliffhanger all in one? I know, what a shitty thing of me to do...it's a drawback of me posting twice in two days. That being said, I feel like chapter 8 was a tease, so I wanted to reward you guys with this._

_Tune in for the next chapter, and tell me what you think!_


	11. Revelations: Ellie (Future)

_Also, many many thanks to_ _**loneknightd** _ _for mentioning Ellie's condition, in regard to her infection and sexual activity (which, by the way, I agree with 100%). This brings up something important that I have yet to mention._

_Although this is a cop out on my part, early in the story I knew I had no way to scientifically suggest that Ellie was safe from preventing the spread of her infection. So, as an author, I took some creative license to just avoid that fact all together. In this world, although I wanted this story as realistic as possible, and although Ellie carries the infection, she cannot spread it. (This is lackluster on my part and does not follow every fact,, but if I didn't use this, I would not be able to develop this story as well as I'd like to do)._

* * *

**2038 (continued)**

Darkness.

Time stood still.

Darkness…

Utter gloom strangled Joel; he felt his eyes well with tears, blank expression on his face, as though death itself held him in its firm, slimy grasp. For a moment, he closed his eyes and hoped the misery would cease soon.  _Let death take me._

Yet, for some sick reason, Joel remained.

When Sarah had died, there had been tears and sobs. However, with Ellie's departure, he could not fathom the concept enough to allow the melancholy to consume his mind.  _Is this real life? Am I already dead?_

Joel was not sure how long he had remained idle in Ellie's absence.

The trauma of the event seemed to have sent him over the edge of sanity, like some thin thread had finally snapped in his troubled mind. Nonsense thoughts ran through his head some moments, only to be replaced with what seemed to him like episodes of unconsciousness.

Perhaps it was delirium from lack of proper nutrition. Joel refused to eat, and instead drank the alcohol he could find in the house to fill the void in his soul. Then slowly, the memories of what had driven him to this low started to flood back into his mind. Had days passed?  _No…someone would have come by to check on me by then…maybe I've only been alone for a few hours._

Suddenly, Joel got up, and staggered to his feet. Evidently, he had become intoxicated without meaning to do so. Finally, as his mind continued to sober up, he looked out the window.

The sun was about to set.  _Holy shit…okay, clear your head you useless fuck…goddammit, think!_

Ellie had left this morning, and roughly nine hours had passed. Suddenly, a surge of hope ran through Joel: he had to find her, he had to make things right.

Without allowing himself to even consider the weight of his actions, Joel packed up all the gear he could find and went to take a horse from the stables. Tommy was there, brushing a mare after a hard days work, and he eyed Joel carefully as he approached.

"Joel, you look like hell. What's goin' on? We ain't seen Ellie-"

"-no time to talk Tommy. I'll be back later," Joel concluded, and raised himself onto a horse.

"You going somewhere alone at this hour? Cmon', settle down and put some thought into this before you go doin' something stupid."

Joel ignored his brother with a shake of his head, before he turned to look at the stables.

"You missin' any horses?" he pressed, and Tommy frowned.

"You didn't exactly respond to my statement, but no, all our horses are here…"

Perhaps there was hope after all.

_Ellie went off alone on foot, she didn't wanna draw attention and have anyone come lookin' for her. She probably knew I would fall apart the way I did…and probably hoped it would take me longer for me to come to my senses. She didn't think I'd come after her so soon…I've still got time to find her._

"Leave me be, Tommy, I swear I'll be right back!" Joel called over his shoulder in frustration as he galloped away.

Joel had only a mere hunch as to where Ellie could be, but with the evidence that she had left alone and on foot, it seemed to him that his assumption could be even more probable.

The ranch house, where she had run off to all those years ago, was his best bet. The place was so obvious that she must have thought he would overlook it once he realized she was really gone, and even if he hadn't overlooked it, she had expected to be long gone by the time he decided to come after her.

It was a little over an hour away on horse. On foot, it might have taken triple the time to reach the destination.

Ellie would not be stupid enough to go out alone at night, however, and he hoped that based on this assumption, she would be resting in the cottage before she took off again the next morning. It gave him plenty of time to get to her before she could slide from his grasp again.

On the way, Joel was too anxious to even consider what he would say to her when he found her… _if_  he found her.

All he knew was that he would never put her in a position to leave again. They were in this together for life, whatever it was that they intended to do with each other. Joel refused to complicate anything further…he had already ruined things enough as it was already.

The rest of his life, he would do his best to give her all that he had to offer. The age difference between them worried Joel because he never wanted her to feel cheapened simply because she would become his last real romance. Hell, if anything, Ellie was the first woman to truly ignite the fire inside him.

Although Vera and Tess had come before, Ellie was somehow the perfect combination of the previous two women. She had the independence and grit of Tess, but she maintained the ability to nurture in an almost feminine way, much like Vera. While Tess was too strong and Vera was too weak, Ellie stood out as the ideal balance for Joel's own needs. Not that Joel ever wished to compare, but the facts suddenly seemed to reaffirm in his mind that Ellie had indeed matured into something that suited him in every way.

Now, his only job would be to ensure that he could give to her as much as she had given to him. Ellie knew that she was worthy in his mind, but he needed to speak the words. All those years of comfortable silence and unspoken affection needed to end; Joel would not risk the threat of her departure just to protect himself from his own emotion.

_"I'm stronger than **you**."_

Ellie's words from earlier continued to run through his mind. As always, she was excellent in the way she drew attention to his character flaws, and he wondered again how she had come to be the woman he now knew.

A child of fourteen who had slowly had everything taken away from her, forced to endure a long, terrible journey that signified her own coming-of-age, with a bastard of a man who had forgotten what innocence could look like…at first it killed him to be near her.

The way in which she was doe-eyed when she went outside the zone for the first time, and the mask of courage she wore despite the horrors that she encountered with him, were all proof that she was indeed a child. Of course it had reminded him of Sarah, but most importantly, and also most disturbingly, it reminded him that so very few people like her existed…so few people had any good left inside them. It was like she was a breed soon to be extinct, and Joel mourned the loss of such an important part of humanity.

Ellie provided a display of genuine emotion and interest in him, that Joel often felt that if they looked at one another too long, her ever-keen eyes would eventually realize that there was nothing left inside him. The thought terrified Joel at first, but then what disturbed him further, once their bond was deepened, was that for some reason, once she knew what viciousness he was capable of, she still found his qualities admirable.

Joel did not deserve the faith she held in him, and it baffled him beyond belief, but he knew it stemmed from his own dedication to her. Even before she knew about Sarah, Ellie sensed his rather irrational need to keep her safe. It was never because she was cargo, but because even though it should not have concerned him, her life had morphed to mean more than his own.

Joel was at least glad that this truth gave her comfort. The part of him that felt affection still existed, and it relieved him to know it still worked effectively.

Despite his best efforts, Ellie had softened Joel into a shadow of his former self. Of course, the old Joel could never return, but the emotion between them had made the fondness in his heart irreversible.

Therefore, with their present situation, Joel would not settle for anything less than to live his life with Ellie much like he would have done in a normal world.

Even before the infection ravaged everything in its path, Joel had not been able to live a picture perfect life. Being a single father in the past made things difficult, although he was rewarded by Sarah's love, and he held no regret, he admitted to himself that all he knew of life was struggle.

Perhaps, here and now, in Jackson, Joel could gain an incredibly late start in life the right way: a happy life, despite the fact that it would be short-lived. Finally, he might be able to settle down like he always wanted.

Joel stifled the rest of his thoughts until he reached the cottage.  _The moment's here…rise to the occasion._

After he secured his horse, he entered the house quietly. The last thing he wanted to do was startle her, if she was here, and fall victim to her bullet should she be jumpy. Silently, he maneuvered up the stairs, only to find the room in the far corner with its door closed.

All those years ago, he realized what she meant to him in that room. Today, he hoped he would be fortunate enough to finally express what she had become to him now.

Slowly, he opened the door, only to find Ellie half asleep on the bed. In his head, he was frustrated that she had placed herself in such a vulnerable position.

Joel locked the door behind him, and sat next to her, before he felt a heavy feeling weigh down his chest. Something in his heart broke for her in that moment…and he realized that she too had given up without him.

For a moment, she stirred, only for her eyes to fly open once she realized she was no longer alone.

"God  _damn_ , Ellie, you should be more careful," Joel choked sadly, and brushed the hair from her face.

"I wasn't looking for an accident, but I wasn't exactly trying to avoid one either," she replied with a shrug. Somehow, there was a glimmer in her eyes that was lost.

"Baby," he whispered, and shook his head. The volume in his voice gave out before he could speak the word 'girl' and yet somehow, this subtle nuance seemed more appropriate.

"I was hoping you wouldn't find me. I'm surprised you're even conscious right now," she assessed with a frown.

"I ain't never leavin' you if I can help it, ya hear? I swear, and that's a promise I can keep."

"Joel, I don't want your pity."

"Ellie, this ain't pity. You were right about everything. I…I  _need_  you, and I know you need me too. I'm sorry for being so damn stubborn all the time."

"Why are you throwing all this on me now? This is everything I wanted to hear, but I shouldn't have to leave to get it out of you!" she started to raise her voice, and suddenly Joel was filled with hope at her emotional reawakening.  _Anger is passion; she still has faith in me. Thank God._

"Go ahead and be angry. You got every right to be mad, and I won't try to tell you otherwise. But come back home…my life ain't worth livin' without ya. And…even though I hate to admit it, you're right about everything.  _We_ deserve to be happy," Joel explained slowly, eyes glued to hers.

"…I've been telling myself all day that I was never going to see you again. Now here you are and I can't even think of anything to say. I'm such a fucking mess," she finally choked, and tears almost started to fall, but she furiously wiped them away.

Joel stared at her for a moment while she gained her composure, before he placed his arms around her in a tight embrace. For a moment he stroked her hair, and her fingers traced the outline of his jaw, but he was troubled by other thoughts, and pulled away.

"Listen, I ain't no ideal man, but I'm gonna do my best to make sure you feel like I'm perfect for you, okay? It's gonna take a lot of work, but I want us to enjoy all the time we have…" he paused, and Ellie frowned.

"Where are you going with this?"

"Just hear me out. I need you to make a promise to me, Ellie, and I need you to honor it."

"A promise?" she urged doubtfully.

"There's gonna come a day when I won't be around for you anymore-"

"- Stop-"

"-No, Ellie, listen.  _Please_. Now, we ain't gonna dwell on that, but I need to know you'll be okay when I'm gone. Promise me you'll keep goin' on with your life. No half-assin' it, I need you to be happy. Always," he stated firmly.

"This is so fucking morbid Joel," she snarled with a scrunch of her nose.

"It's a reality, and it's unavoidable," he replied simply.

"…I'll promise to try. I won't give you anything else."

They stared one another down for a while, and Joel was not quite satisfied with her response, but he knew he would have to settle with it for now. More important matters brewed on the horizon.

"All right then…but I want you to know that's the only thing that bothers me. My objections aren't about  _you_ , so don't go thinkin' any less of yourself. I ain't livin' in denial like this anymore. Far as I'm concerned, you're perfect, and even though you might deserve better, I feel honored that…after everything…you still choose me."

"Joel…" she started, and almost began to cry again, but took deep breaths.

"What?" he asked, eyes now wide with worry.

"Sorry, I'm just not used to you being so open, you know? It feels good though," she affirmed with quick nods of her head. Joel smiled, but his smile fell after a moment.

"Can I ask you something? You aren't obligated to answer."

"Anything," she urged.

"…Why would you ever think I would be disappointed in you?" he asked in a whisper, full of a somber curiosity.

Ellie's face fell slightly, as she realized that he had made a reference to her sexual encounter with the boy from town. Shame almost colored her features, and Joel suddenly regretted his question.

"Are you saying you're pleased with what I've done?" she tried to ask with sarcasm, but the humiliation was more than evident on her face.

"I'll never think any less of you. No matter what. That's all I'm gonna say about that. No need in you feelin' bad for my sake, okay? I mean it," he explained, and Ellie's face softened as she nodded.

Apparently, his words had surprised her for the better. The fact that she assumed he would berate her for her actions made his heart grow heavy. Clearly, all this time he had been too hard on her, while she tried to please him with her selflessness.

Joel sighed, and rubbed his fingers against his temples. After another deep breath washed a wave of calm over his anxiety, he turned to look her in the eyes. One of his rough hands brushed against her cheek.

"I don't know how the hell, or when, we got here, but I'll be damned if I don't love you," Joel admitted in a shaky voice.

Something in Joel's words lit Ellie's eyes on fire. For a moment he paused, unsure of what her reaction meant. Soon he realized there was not only a glint of confirmation in her eyes about his affection, but that it was also mixed with the lust he had witnessed some years ago.

Joel pressed his brow against hers for a moment, before he planted a gentle kiss upon her forehead. Then, before he allowed himself to pause again, his thumb moved across her lip, and a shudder rippled through her being. All at once, their lips finally met, and both of them knew that they had never felt more alive than in that moment.

This intimate display of affection continued for a few more minutes, before both of them stopped to silently evaluate the situation and their emotions in silence.

"…We need to head back home," she stated quietly, and looked at the moon that had just become visible in the window.

Joel laughed with a certain sense of pride at her practicality, and placed one more gentle kiss against her forehead before they left the room that started it all.

* * *

_Got a little sappy at the end, I could not resist!_


	12. Everybody's Changing: Ellie (Future)

_Long chapter…just a warning!_

* * *

**2040**

For the first time in his life, Joel was happy: blissfully, stupidly happy.

Yet time often confused Joel more than he wanted to admit. Although so much joy and normalcy had occurred in the past two years (seven years to be exact, but five of those were formative) with Ellie, occasionally the numb emotions of the past would eat at him.

The man was convinced by now that these episodes of darkness this were something to be endured no matter how much time progressed, even though they were painful, but they were often short. Usually they were expected once or twice a year, but the onset of the emotions never failed to frighten him. In turn, he would shut down like he was accustomed to for so many years.

Sometimes, the memories of all his struggles would eat away at him: he would feel responsibility all over again for Vera's suicide, he would relive the death of Sarah and Tess, or he would be reminded of Ellie's traumatic winter experiences. These memories forced out the tormented, quiet, brooding self that he used to know all those years ago.

When his memories haunted him, it was not something that was evident to everyone. Tommy and Maria were their constant companions, and yet even then they often could not tell when Joel was in one of his "moods".

Ellie, of course, would always pick up on the subtle nuances in his behavior. The wrinkles under his eyes would suddenly seem more evident, although he seemed to have become younger in Jackson; he would stir a little more in his sleep at night, during conversation a distant look would occur for a few seconds, and he tended to drink more than usual.

On this occasion, however, Joel was not quite sure what triggered his darkness. Usually the episodes tended to strike around the change of the seasons, with one always right before winter.

Yet as he sat in the kitchen with a half drank bottle of whiskey, he realized it was the middle of summer. Joel frowned for a moment to himself, before he took a long swig, and stared out the window. As he enjoyed the darkness outside and his solitude, he heard a faint sound behind him, and spun around quickly.

Ellie stood in the doorframe, arms crossed with a raised eyebrow, and Joel smiled awkwardly before he glued his eyes to the floor. She walked toward him slowly, and he wrapped his arms around her midsection, nuzzling his head into her abdomen.

"Am I bein' scolded?" he asked in an attempt to be playful, though he knew she would see through his façade.

"No, but it's two in the morning and I got curious when I heard you get out of bed," she almost chuckled, but maintained an air of seriousness that made Joel uneasy.  _She's worried about me._

"That was 'bout an hour ago," Joel mumbled, and finally let go of her waist before he had the courage to look her in the eyes.

"Figured I'd let you sort your emotions out before I came to pry," she said suggestively.

"There ain't nothing to sort out, you know I just get like this sometimes," he grumbled.

"Yeah, but usually I know when to expect it. Do you have any clue what prompted it this time?" she asked, eyes wide.

"…Ellie," he groaned, brow furrowed.

"Joel," she scolded in response, and he almost smiled. Though she had always had a backbone, it had become more evident lately, which humored him.

"Hell, I don't know. Maybe it's just insomnia or something, this is the first time," he said with a shrug.

"Well, are you going to be awake enough to celebrate Emily's birthday party today?" she pressed, and Joel actually smiled.

"That's my niece! Of course," he replied, dumbfounded that she would question him.

Tommy and Maria had finally gotten a little miracle a year ago. At first, Joel was reluctant to get too close, as the baby reminded him too much of his experiences with Sarah as an infant, but once he held that little girl in his arms his reluctance disappeared.  _I am such a god-damned sap._  Joel had not been the only one who was enchanted with the little girl, and he was surprised to see that Ellie had developed such an intense attachment.

"Just checking…sometimes you get a little cranky when you're sleepy, old man," she chided softly.

"What, this old man ain't enough for you any more?" he joked, almost prepared to hide his hurt should she agree, but softened when he realized she was indeed being sarcastic.

"Joel, come back to bed," she replied after she allowed herself to laugh, and much to her surprise, he listened.

* * *

**(Later That Day…)**

As the whole family celebrated Emily's first birthday in the backyard, Joel sat on a wooden picnic table and watched the scene unfold, like a ghost.

Tommy, Maria, Maria's father, and Ellie were all spread across the yard. Tommy was next to him chatting mercilessly, while Maria and her father embraced each other near the grill. The aura of the scene was calm and loving, and yet Joel felt troubled, like a sickness inside him bubbled under the surface…like there was a feeling of remorse, though he was not sure why he felt guilty; his eyes were glued to his companion.

Ellie sat under a large oak tree with Emily in her lap: he watched as she bounced her, and as the rosy-cheeked child looked at Ellie with the sort of unyielding love that made him weak. Then she kissed the infant on the cheek, and received a giggle in response.

"-Joel, you listen to any damn thing I just said?" Tommy interrupted, and Joel swallowed hard as he tore his eyes from the sight.

"…Sorry, what?" he asked, and his brother frowned.

"I can't tell if you're lookin' at my girl or yours," Tommy joked, now focused on Joel's distraction.

"Ellie ain't  _my girl_ , for one. And yes, I was adoring my niece, little brother," Joel replied with a scowl.

Joel and Ellie's relationship had never been explicitly stated out loud to the community, because he felt it was no one's business. That being said, Tommy and Maria were both a little confused as to why Ellie had never left his side, but even  _they_  did not assume that the relationship had progressed to what it now was. Not that they would mind, and not that their opinions were vital, but it was sure to cause a little drama at first if they found out. Joel ultimately just wanted to avoid that conversation as long as possible.

"Well thank you, because she's the damn cutest thing to ever come outta me," Tommy said, and it actually garnered a laugh from Joel.

"Never heard a truer statement," Joel agreed, and felt a little relief that his brother had taken the bait to change the subject.

"You know, Ellie's really matured into a fine young woman," he continued, now serious, and Joel almost blushed out of pride, because he agreed.

"A damn fine young woman. I don't know how she maintains compassion with all she's seen, but she's never failed to surprise me. Hell of a better person than I am," Joel gushed, and Tommy's eyes widened as he nodded.

"Are we gettin' soft in our old age, big brother?" he accused, and Joel pushed his shoulder playfully.

"You sayin' I got soft?" he asked.

"No, I'm just watching you gush over Ellie. Why is it she keeps puttin' up with you, anyway?" he continued to joke, but Joel sensed it was also an attempt to pull information out of him.  _Nice try_.

"I wish I knew…" Joel sighed with a shrug, as he realized he spoke truth, and suddenly got quiet again as his eyes locked with Ellie's across the yard. Ellie smiled in return, raised from the ground with Emily in arms, and walked toward them.

"Ellie, you look good with a child on your hip," Tommy praised, and Joel instantly felt his face flush.  _What in the hell kind of comment is that, fucker?_  Ellie flashed him a quick glare of disapproval to get him to calm down, which worked, before she continued her conversation with Tommy.

"Do I really?" Ellie laughed as she played along, but there was something in her eyes that seemed to brighten from his compliment.

"You sure do. Hell, Joel and I were just talking about how well you've become a respectable young woman. You plan on settling down anytime with one of the boys in town?" Tommy asked, in a way that was only kind, but it almost set Joel over the edge.

If there was anything he  _hated_ , it was someone who was pushy, and he did not know how else to feel about his brother's comments. Couples in town continued to have children, though most of the population was aging. It seemed lately that Tommy was looking to the next generation to continue on the Jackson legacy.

It was not necessarily a selfish desire, as Tommy simply enjoyed the pleasure of others, but Joel was  _infuriated_  that he had had the gall to initiate this inappropriate conversation with a young woman who was  _family_.

Perhaps, under the surface, Joel was concerned that Ellie might take these comments to heart…and might try to use biology to her advantage. The topic of her as a mother was not something that Joel had ever considered. However, it made sense to him now that he had seemed so uncomfortable as he watched her play with Emily.  _You can't give her a child…even if that's what she wants…even if that's what she'll need._

Of course, Joel was  _physically_  capable of making a child with Ellie. But  _emotionally_ , it would set him over the edge.

He refused to be a father again, especially with Ellie's child; not only did he feel too old… not only would it cause an uproar of confusion in the community… but mostly, he felt like it was a complete disgrace to Sarah's memory.  _What, you're just gonna up and restart every aspect of your whole life here, and forget your own daughter? No. This is where my comfort level ends, dammit._

With all these thoughts to contemplate, however, he reminded himself that Ellie had never mentioned the desire to be a mother, and suddenly relaxed. But if Tommy continued on like this, he might unintentionally plant the seed of reproduction in Ellie's mind. Or, bring her own desires out in the open for the first time.

_…Was this the darkness that's been haunting me? Have I always known something was missing? If this is what Ellie wants, why hasn't she told me?_

Joel could feel his selfishness grow in the moment, and recognized it was wrong, but also knew that if he could find a way to manipulate this situation, he would do it in a heartbeat. As his panic rose, Ellie swallowed and prepared to speak again.

"…You mean, like have kids of my own?" she questioned, and Joel clenched his jaw as he searched her face rapidly to understand what was running through her mind.

"It's what most normal people do, Ellie. It sure is gratifying…I've never felt more complete in my life," Tommy gushed, and reached out to take Emily.

"What the hell is normal, anyway, Tommy?" Joel finally spoke up, in a growl.

"Jeez, Joel, calm down," Ellie whispered with a glare, but it went unnoticed by Tommy, as he was adjusting Emily in his lap.

"Joel, you're just too scared to let go of her. Ellie, you can speak up for yourself, do you want kids someday?" he urged, smile on his face, and Joel wanted to rip it off.

"…I mean, yeah…" she admitted, after a sigh.

Joel felt rage color his features, and after a moment he finally released the breath he had been holding. He knew she had not agreed just to satisfy Tommy's curiosity. No, she had fearfully spoken truth for the first time, and she had dreaded Joel's response all along.

As panic and ire consumed him, Joel stood up.

"Uh, I ain't feelin' too hot, Ellie," he almost yelled, and everyone stopped to look at him.

"Then I guess you should walk home," she suggested, now annoyed.

"Ellie, I was  _hopin'_  you might go  _with_  me," he spat slowly.

"You guys leaving so soon? Dad's taking Emily for the night, I thought you all might stay for the 'adults only' bash," Maria spoke up, and began to walk toward them.

_I am losing my goddamn patience._

"If I feel better, we'll definitely be back later. Stomach's just a little unsettled," he said, which was not fully a lie, and began to walk away as Ellie trudged behind him.

"Thanks for a great party, guys," Ellie said softly.

The tension between them was thick as they walked home in silence. Ellie's light footsteps behind him abruptly reminded him of their cross-country journey, and he huffed bitterly. Upon entry into the house, Ellie slammed the door, and Joel whipped around to look at her.

"All right asshole, what's the problem?" she accused, and Joel had to sit down.

"I wanna ask you a question, and I want you to answer honestly," he warned, and she stood in front of him, arms crossed.

"Is this about Tommy's questions?" she asked.

"Yes, its got everything to do with that!" he almost yelled.

"Joel, I said I want kids someday," she stated, eyes wide.

"Did you mean with me? Because you know I can't do that. It's why we've been so damn careful."

"Yes, I know you won't have a child with me, but that doesn't mean I don't want them! Sorry I was honest!"

"Ellie, this is what I meant when I told you a long time ago that I cannot give you what someone younger can. Now, I love you, and you are my life, but we will never, ever have a child. Okay?" he tried to explain, but his anger turned into sorrow quickly.

"Okay," she nodded in full agreement, and he felt his heart break.

"…Why don't you try with someone else…? I won't be angry with you," he suggested with desperation.

"Are you trying to whore me out so I can have a child? This really isn't a big deal; I don't know why you're so upset! I mean, I don't want one right now," she said, very confused.

"It isn't a big deal now, but it's gonna be a big deal when I'm long gone, and you're still childless at thirty-five. Or if you start to realize how desperately you want one before I'm gone. You'll resent me, and rightfully so," he explained, and looked helpless.

"I know what I've signed up for, Joel. I haven't sacrificed anything, and I won't feel that way. Honest, you don't have to feel like I'm pressuring you," she explained, and he nodded.

"I just feel…guilty. Like I'm taking the opportunity of a lifetime away from you."

"I would rather have you than a child, Joel," she admitted, selflessly. The selfishness of his resolution seemed to stab him in the heart, as usual.

"You shouldn't have to make a decision like that," he said, and shook his head.

"Well, then give in to me," she suggested, more for the effect of reverse psychology, and he frowned.

"You know I can't do that," he contradicted himself.

"All right, then let's stop talking about it. You were the one who got all bent out of shape about this, Joel, it wasn't me insinuating anything this time," she said.

"I know…and I'm sorry… I got outta line back there. But I panicked, I mean, who the hell is Tommy to ask something like that anyway?" he brought it up, and almost got angry again.

"Joel, relax. Let's just stay here for a while and head back to Tommy's later. I'm always game for a good buzz, and we don't want them to think you're angry at them," she stated, and after a moment of consideration he nodded.

* * *

**(The Next Day)**

Joel shifted uncomfortably in bed, and squinted from the headache that throbbed at his temples.  _Shit._

Last night the drinking had gotten slightly out of hand, but no one dared judge anyone. For one, Joel was glad to have had his minor panic attack with Ellie out of the way, and was willing to get back to happiness.

Also, Tommy and Maria had endured the most sleepless, stressful year of their lives, so they were more than willing to take a quick break from Emily. It was evident about halfway through the night, after the alcohol and dancing wore off, that both of them were simply finished with their old way of life, and could not wait to get back to parenting.

Joel, however, always found drinking with Ellie to be an fun experience, though it was probably because it was still new to him: she had turned twenty-one recently, so he no longer shunned her habit, and decided to take part in it with her. Honestly, she was not well aware of her limits, so although moments of hilarity ensued, Joel wanted to make sure he was at least sober enough to keep her from hurting herself accidentally.

Almost on queue, Joel stretched his hand across the bed, and noticed that Ellie's presence was not there. Slowly, with a groan, he raised himself up and set off to find her. Once he reached the stairs, he heard a muffled sound come from the bathroom, and he knocked on the door.

"Ellie?" he called, almost concerned.

"I'm fine," she called in annoyance.

"That don't sound very fine," Joel replied with a frown, as he heard her retch slightly. As he knew the door was unlocked, he opened it quietly, and found her with her head pressed against the porcelain.

"…Fuck, Joel," she finally choked, once she saw he had let himself inside.

"Killer hangover, huh?" he almost laughed, but knew she would be irritated that he continued to meddle. He bent down, and sat next to her.

"Yeah," she managed to speak.

"Here, lemme look at'cha," he pressed gently, jokes aside, and lifted her chin up. Bloodshot eyes glared at him, and her chapped lips were pursed in a near pout as she fell victim to his assessment.

"What?" she prompted.

"You, darlin', got shit-faced. I guess you can't hang with this old man…" he taunted to make her smile, but felt bad as she suddenly pulled away and gagged again.

Done with his attempt at humor, Joel rubbed her back for a moment, which seemed to comfort her even if she refused to admit it.

"Listen, I'll leave you alone, but are you thirsty? Figure I could grab you some water," he used as a peace offering.

"I would appreciate that," she agreed.

"All right, I'll be back. Think you could stomach some breakfast?" he asked, as he now stood in the doorway.

"Yes, I'm starving!" she replied quickly and he frowned with his back to her as he made his way downstairs.

_Starving with a hangover? She…no…no, no, that's not possible._


	13. Darkness Falls: Ellie (Future)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dark chapter, as a warning...but, it is vital to express Joel's evolution as a character in response to Ellie's condition. Before any outrage is expressed, I urge you to read next chapter, in order to make a more sound assumption.

**2040 (continued)**

The past two months had revamped in Joel the sort of irate, bitter hatred that could only be compared to his first few months without Sarah. Only now, there was more resentment in his heart against the world and himself. It was no shock to him that he had yet again completely distanced himself from Ellie, but when she questioned him about it, he would brush her off with excuses.

 _How could she do this to me?_ Joel knew that if his suspicions were correct, it was wrong to blame her, but it  _still_  did not remove the fact that he felt that way.

Joel himself could not confirm that she was pregnant, but all the signs had seemed to be there.  _Maybe I'm just paranoid_. Of course, if she  _were_  pregnant, Ellie did not seem to have the slightest notion of what her symptoms seemed to suggest. In her young life, she had probably never anticipated an event like this, and although she was well aware how biology worked, he highly doubted that she understood all the little details. After all, with the world the way it was, it seemed like the last subjects for a military preparatory school to focus on were pregnancy or prenatal care.

If she was pregnant, he assumed she was roughly at three months.

At first, as Joel made silent note of the morning sickness that she tried to hide, and it had continued (at first, he was made even more angry that she tried to hide it, but he realized that she may be scared of worrying him, and she may have feared for her own situation).

The fact that it had first disguised itself as a hangover the first time did not go beyond Joel, and he normally would have been concerned that she had consumed alcohol if she was indeed carrying a fetus, but wrong as it was, Joel hoped with a sort of morbid obsession that her continued lack of prenatal care would ensure a miscarriage. It was a terrible thing for him to manipulate the situation by not telling her to nurture her own body in the delicate state that it was in, and Ellie still maintained her wild, sometimes too bold behaviors. Yet he knew, that if this child  _was_  born, it would bring his own end, and his conscience could not take the weight of muddling his Sarah's memory.

Joel also noted that she had increased her appetite, and although it was still early, her hormones were definitely on the rise.  _There is no fucking doubt in my mind that she's pregnant with my child...and I hate both of us for it._

He was well aware that he no longer made logical decisions. Would she carry to full term? If it continued, he did not know if he would eventually crack and tell her about the situation, or if he would test her to see how long it would take her to realize and reveal it to him.

After all, it would cause her more emotional distress if she herself had to tell him the news, and although the nervous distress she would feel in anticipation of his reaction could not compare to his own misery, he  _wanted_  her to feel some small sort of pain as revenge. Never in his life did Joel think he would hold malevolent thoughts against Ellie, but his own selfish agony caused him to hope for her mental demise. It was not fair for him...and it should not be fair for her either.

_This is why I should have never let any of this happen. You set yourself up for this weak bullshit. At least with Tess, she maintained control so that you never got head over heels. Without someone to warn you, you assumed you could live happily ever after like some fucking cliche.  
_

On the other hand, if Joel led himself out of this darkness and allowed himself to hope for the unborn child, there was a huge risk that it would not survive until birth. Even if it did, with all the lack of medical supplies, he did not want a child to grow up with a life of misery like him. Worse, yet, was if the child survived only to meet an untimely death, which was so common in their world.

 _I...cannot take the burden for the blood of another child on my hands._   _Sarah...my Sarah..._

"...Joel?" Ellie's voice called next to him in bed, and seemed like a million miles away. His body was turned away from her, and he had hoped that when she came to bed she would assume he was asleep. It was the one instance he wished she did not know him so well.

" _What_?" he asked in monotone, with no attempt to hide his bitterness. In bed, he felt her brace, before she took a deep breath.

"I think...that something is happening," she mumbled, and seemed to ignore his emotions due to her own distractions, which made him more angry.  _Is this the moment I've been dreading?_

 _"_ Like what?" he asked after a long sigh, completely disengaged from the conversation.

"Just...something," she added, very deeply in thought.

"Either somethin' is happening or it ain't, so which is it?" he spat. On point, he felt her head snap over in agitation, and wondered what was inside her head, because she paused for a moment, no doubt unsure of his behavior. In all this time, he had yet to make his anger known, and with it now evident, it was possible that her reaction would by far counter his own rudeness.

"...Joel...? If...if you've got a problem,  _say_  something," she began, and he very nearly heard the hurt in her voice at the beginning, but she gained more courage and in turn more hostility toward the end.

"Do you have somethin' to ask or not," he replied with more civility, like a stubborn child who had been scolded, though it was hardly amiable or caring as he usually acted. In response, he felt her stiffen out of confusion, but when she sensed that he had indeed softened his tone slightly in rebuke, she was so consumed by her own personal agenda that she continued without questioning his motives further.

_Ellie ain't got a clue to who I am anymore, but she's so scared for herself that she won't let it bother her yet. Just like a mother should act...in defense of herself and the child..._

It was like the maternal instinct had kicked in without her knowledge, although she had no idea why she was inclined to act so boldly against Joel, but something in this forced him to marvel at the situation. However, in turn he he felt himself victimized, and became more angry.

Somehow, something in this bothered him beyond what he had previously comprehended.

Joel then realized that for his entire existence, he had never had to share more than one significant relationship with a woman at once. His father had never been present, so he always had his mother all to himself (Tommy was easily ignored for most of his childhood due to the age difference). Vera had been in his life for a short amount of time, only to be quickly replaced by Sarah in death and duty. Tess had then stumbled into his life for a long period, only to be lost to Ellie at the beginning of their journey.

_Why in God's name would I want to share her? For a while I was her world... I never considered I might be placed on the back burner like I am now. I've never had to love anything equally at the same time...my fuckin' heart can't take it.  
_

"Yeah, I've got a few things to ask. Did you really think I wouldn't notice how you've been a complete asshole?" she spat as an introduction, now angry.

"Excuse me?" he asked in return, obviously scalded by her accusation despite its truth.

"I thought we were past all this melodrama, Joel. Why do you consistently fuck up anything good that happens in your life," she complained under her breath, and he sat upright.

"Stop this. Now," he all but growled, but before he could, she groaned in irritation.

"Hey, fuck you, Joel! If you don't have the decency to let me in after all this time, then you aren't allowed to spit commands at me," she retaliated, and he felt himself pale.

"What's really on your mind? Stop stallin' and get on with it," he demanded, almost certain that she would decline simply because he had asked her in such an impolite manner, but evidently whatever was on her mind was of a great bother to her, because she paused as though their hostility had not existed.

"My body is different...lately...do you think it's possible that my infection is starting to spread inside me? Like...killing me?" she asked slowly, and he could sense the fear in her voice.

Suddenly, her angry behavior was evident: she was concerned that she may leave him all alone, and the thought of her demise, paired with the broken state of their relationship, made it all worse.  _She's angry because she thinks I'm ruining what's left of our time together.  
_

"Is that your only conclusion...that you're dying?" he asked after a moment, with no desire to comfort her. At first, he thought to say something nastier to hurt her feelings, but what remained of his conscience prevented him from doing so.

"I mean...would you be okay without me?" she pressed, and went in another direction than he anticipated.

"Ellie, I've already lived a lifetime without you," he said, which was true, though it did not really speak truth about how he would feel if he lost her, but he still hoped that it hurt her feelings. Perhaps, if he distracted her enough, the inevitable truth where their conversation was headed could be avoided.

 _"_ You fucking asshole," she whispered in an attempt to be angry, but he heard the wound and the teary sadness in her voice. _Guess it worked._ After a moment though, Joel was almost moved that in her time of need, her fear turned to his well-being instead of her own.  _Typical Ellie...always been a better person than me. Who isn't?_

"Ellie I...I wanna talk to you about something," he started out of obligation, and felt shock that he was about to initiate his downfall.

"What?" she almost perked up, but he heard the vibration of absolute terror, like a child who was overcompensating in order to look brave, in her voice. She placed her hand on his shoulder to get him to turn over and look at her, but he nudged her off immediately.

"Don't touch me...please, not... not right now. I wanna tell you something, about what I think is goin' on with ya," he began, and he felt her take a deep breath.

"Do you know something that I don't?" she questioned, eyes narrowed, and Joel clenched his stomach as his bowels rippled.

"I don't  _know_  anything for sure, but I got some notion," he began.

"Well?" she demanded impatiently.

"When was the last time you...you had your cycle?" he pressed, and felt bile rise as he swallowed hard.

"Oh...I don't know, it isn't really a regular thing for me...I mean...wait, you... you don't think...?" she began, and he could hear the shock in her voice.

"I think," he replied simply with a nod, and the confirmation in his mind caused him to get out of bed in order to distance himself from the source of his discomfort.

"Joel, this is...!" she almost started with surprise, and then her voice became grave once she understood. "Holy shit...no...I'm...I'm so sorry, Joel."

"I'm sorry too," he mumbled, and her face changed immediately.

"Jeez, Joel...I mean, you can't...you can't actually blame me!? This is as much you're fault as it is mine, right!? " she started, half in outrage, half in understanding. The tone of her voice was oddly high pitched, as though hysteria were on the horizon.

"You're absolutely right, but it doesn't feel that way to me yet," he deadpanned honestly.

"...do you think you could ever feel happy about this? This is like a second chance for you, Joel!" she pressed further, in an attempt to persuade him, breathless and with rapid eye movement. _Ain't never seen her so worked up...  
_

"I don't know, Ellie, I just need  _time_ ," he said slowly, teeth gritted with balled fists. A part of him was outraged that she had so optimistically suggested a 'second chance'.

"I'm upset with you, but...I think you're allowed to feel like this, to an extent. That being said, I don't think you should sacrifice my happiness just so you can brood," she added quietly.

"What about my happiness!? Did you even consider why I never wanted a child with you? Why the fuck would I want a second chance? A child isn't a possession that you can just replace, Ellie!" he yelled, but realized that for the first time, she seemed almost frightened, though if it was by him or for him, he could not tell.

"...I feel sick," she gasped as she shook her head violently to push away the negative thoughts. Overwhelmed with emotion, she moaned from distress, and promptly put her hand to her mouth before she swallowed whatever threatened to force its way up.

" _Did_  you  _ever_  consider?" he asked again, now even more loud.

"Because of Sarah...Joel, I know!" she finally admitted, and silently broke down into violent tears that rocked her entire body, upon mention of the ghost that seemed to haunt both of them. Joel steeled, somewhat shocked that she was so quick to sadden, but realized that he had effectively chosen Sarah over Ellie in this event, though he had always sworn that he would never do such a thing.

"Ellie you...you never knew Sarah. That little girl, she was my life, and to be honest I don't think I can ever love anything like that again. I love you too, but you've got to understand...the love you feel for a child...it's...it's different, especially when that child... " he struggled, with tears that threatened to fall. "You might come to understand it in the future," he choked, unable to speak the words that sealed her death, and cleared his throat.

"What do you mean by 'might'? And, I mean, do you think you could love  _our_  child?" she pressed, eyes glued to him, and he was aware that this was such a rare moment to see her so bewildered beyond control.

"I don't even  _know_  if you'll carry this child long enough for it to see the light of day! Am I supposed to grieve for another child again?! As for the last question...I just... I just don't know yet. I'd like to think so," he ended on a slightly more positive note.

"Shit, Joel," was all she could say, and continued to sob, though it was now borderline hysterical.

"I'm not in a good place right now, and I don't know how I'm gonna take all this, so I'm gonna need you to bear with me," he offered, and the little attempt at comfort was as far as he was able to extend.

"What about me?" she demanded with a gesture toward herself, now angry again, and writhed in the bed. All Joel could do was shrug in return, before darkness colored Ellie's features.

"Joel...how long did you suspect?" she pressed, obviously irate but she appeared nearly calm, and suddenly he worried.

"A while...I was too bitter and too pissed off to share. To be honest I..." he started, and paused before he sighed.

"To be honest  _what_?" she urged.

"To be honest...I had hoped that if I didn't tell you, somethin' might change," he added subtly.

"What would  _change_  Joel? What in the  _hell_  could change that would benefit  _you!_?" she accused, now fully yelling at him.

"I hoped you would miscarry, so we wouldn't have to deal with this!" he admitted in a yell right back, and for the first time made direct eye contact with her to assess he features.

"You mean you;  _you_  wouldn't have to deal with this," she accused bitterly.

"I'm a selfish asshole, but I'm being honest," he replied with a careless shrug. Ellie stared him down, with eyes that suddenly lacked the empathy and emotion that he was so accustomed.

"You fucking monster," she spat, and Joel jerked as though he had been impaled through the heart.  _She's right_.

"Why can't you just understand me? That's all I want...that's all I've ever wanted," he stated, though sadness had replaced anger.

"Could I...die from this? Childbirth, I mean," she asked, clearly unaffected by his selfish plea.

"You're gonna ignore me like that when I'm damn near begging you for some companionship?" he accused, and suddenly he realized that the dynamic between him and Ellie had become like his and Tommy's used to be all those awful years ago.

It was a plea for help that she had never before witnessed, and suddenly he regretted the statement that made him look so feeble.

"I can't worry about you anymore, Joel. I have to worry about myself and the child...you didn't answer my question," she ignored him blatantly, and black holes had replaced her emerald eyes.

"Yeah, you could die. Both of you," he replied bleakly, so caught up in his feelings that he had never considered Ellie's health a risk. _I can't...live without her, and she knows that, even though I wouldn't admit it earlier..._

"How dare you respond like my death would mean something to you, after the way you've acted tonight," she accused, and it came out as a warning. It was true, and in his madness he was not sure what he hoped to achieve in the end aside from bringing her down with him.

"Don't talk like that," he warned in response, and though angry, his eyes finally flashed out of love. Ellie noticed, but as soon as hope appeared in her features, she forced the response away.

"I'm going to want to tell the doctor in town soon..." she added, still lost.

"We'll get ahold of him, but then he's gonna wonder who the father is, and even that confidentiality ain't gonna hold up in town once you start showin'," Joel explained, addicted to the negativity at this point.

Ellie did not reply, but the look on her face finally expressed full understanding of the difficulties, and further broke her spirit.

"This whole thing causes more problems than it's worth, and this is exactly why I didn't want this to happen!" he almost yelled, and threw his hands in the air.

"You're right," she agreed dangerously, as though she tried to get a response from him, and he was almost saddened too from the loss of her ever bright demeanor.

"We're just gonna have to play this whole damn thing by ear," he stated.

"Can't I just, get an abortion or something? Then no one would have to know...I mean, you could do it yourself," she taunted, with nothing in her eyes, and Joel was floored.

"There's no way in hell I'm doing that... it's too risky, you'd probably bleed to death," he admitted with no comfort for her whatsoever.

"So, abortion is too high for your moral code, but hoping for and inducing a miscarriage isn't? Glad I know where the line is drawn," she spat.

"You asked," he mumbled.

"I was being sarcastic to see you for who you really are, you fuck! If you think for one second that I am sabotaging this child simply because you can't handle it, you're wrong. This is harder for you than most, I get it...but that doesn't mean you're allowed to treat me this way!" her rage fully expressed itself.

"I told you...I told you that this couldn't happen, but here we are," he shrugged, as if to suggest that he had warned her ahead of time.

"Are you insinuating that I did this on purpose? That I trapped you so I could get something in return?" she accused.

"...it feels like it to me. Even though you didn't...it doesn't take the sting away," he explained, face pained.

"How could you think so little of me?" she demanded, but he looked away, not able to take it.

"This is gonna be the hardest thing you and I have done as a unit, so we're gonna need to pull it together. In time, I'm sure we'll figure some things out," he replied to blow off her angry response.  _She deserves to be angry, but so do I._

For the first time in years, Joel stared into Ellie's eyes and was not aware of the person who looked back at him. Both of them had suddenly grown unknown to one another, and he hoped desperately that this event would not drive either of them apart, or worse, beyond general humanity. They stared at each other for a long time, before Ellie turned over and went to sleep, and Joel then trudged downstairs to sleep on the couch.

_What have we done?_


	14. A Time for Goodbye: Ellie (Future)

**2040**

Joel stared at an empty whiskey bottle in front of him with bloodshot eyes, before he slammed the glass onto the floor. Slowly, he staggered to his backpack across from him in the tiny room, and from it he drew yet another full bottle, before he plopped down again on the floor.

Alcohol soothed at least some of his bitterness.

In this old abandoned guard tower, near the back of the Jackson settlement, he had found solace for the past few weeks, and he silently thanked Tommy in his mind for being so damn ambitious: a year back, he and a group of men had improved their defenses, and with it included new watch towers in the occasion that Hunters fell upon them. All the other wood from the old towers were salvaged for supplies, but this one remained.

The only reason this old shack was spared, was because some of the kids in town had begged Tommy to let them keep it as a tree house, just like the old days.

With a furrowed brow, Joel laughed to himself for his own childish behavior: here he was again at night, as he continued to run from his problems, just like a kid.

This night, however, was different...

It was his birthday.

Fifty-five was especially uneventful, and although he never liked the idea of aging, he felt himself struggle with it the most this year, as it was juxtaposed to the new life that continued to grow inside his companion, if he was even allowed to call her that anymore. The title of housemate seemed more appropriate, as neither of them had made any effort to talk to one another.

Ellie may have been about four months along, but to the untrained eye the child that grew from her womb was not evident.  _Yet._

All hell was sure to break loose for him yet again once the change became obvious, because all the town people could be counted on to be just as nosy, if not more so, than his own brother. Surely, they would want to know how a girl who had never been courted, a girl who had never even shown interest in a young man from the community, suddenly became pregnant.

The mere thought alone forced him to scowl.

In fact, the new life that he continued to avoid, caused him to think long and hard about the young life that was senselessly taken away thirty years ago. Joel refused to contemplate the issue any further, however, at least for the night, because ever since the outbreak,  _this_  night was always dedicated to Sarah's memory. Almost instinctively, he looked down to the broken watch on his wrist, and gripped it in the hope that it could offer him some sort of strength that did not reside in himself.

For some reason, a certain memory came to his inebriated mind about her, when she was six...

As a young man, he knew that someday Sarah would inquire about her lack of a mother, and for years he contemplated how he would go about answering her question as honestly as could, without sharing any dark details. One particular morning, she had trotted downstairs for breakfast with her usual optimism, and he heard her plop down at the kitchen table while he cooked breakfast.

"Mornin' sleepyhead," he said, with his back to her, as he prepared to scramble eggs with a whisk in hand.

"Whatcha fixin'?" she inquired, and her little country accent, sweetly high-pitched, put a smile on his face.

"Our favorite: scrambled eggs and bacon. I'm gonna make sure you grow up strong as an ox," he replied.

"Dad, that's your favorite, it ain't really mine..." she hinted, and Joel turned around, almost taken aback and ever so slightly hurt that they no longer shared that similarity.

"Well, this is the first I'm hearin' of it. Go on now, tell me what your favorite is and maybe we can work something out," he urged. Ever since she had started kindergarten, she had seemed to mature more quickly than he had anticipated, and the idea made his heart break.  _Ain't too long and she might out grow me..._

_"_ Well, Kennedy, at school, says her Mom always makes pancakes in the mornin'," she began seriously.

"Oh, honey, I hate to break it to ya but I don't really know much about pancakes," he explained gently, and was lost in his thoughts.

"Why not?" she asked, brow furrowed much like his own, and he smiled sheepishly at her.

"Uh, it ain't really man food..." he tried to explain.

"Can you not make pancakes because you don't have a woman here to teach you?" she questioned. Joel frowned, unsure of where she was headed with her questions.

"Well, no, it's just that me and Uncle Tommy grew up on this stuff, and I just never really learned how to make pancakes," he admitted.

"Maybe you can ask Kennedy's mom how she does it," she suggested, and her innocence killed him inside.  _Dammit, this is the moment where I feel insignificant to her because I can't be her mother too...and there are plenty more of these to come in the future_.

"Maybe we'll work somethin' out. Who is Kennedy, anyway? This is the first I heard of her too," he replied, now genuinely curious.

"She's my best friend," she replied sweetly, in a matter-of-fact tone, and the knife went further into his heart.

"...I thought I..." he almost whispered, at a complete loss, and then swallowed when he realized how pathetic he sounded.  _I thought I was her best friend...at least for a couple more years. Ain't this supposed to happen when she's thirteen, not six?_

"Dad, it's okay, I can have more than one best friend. You're still my  _best_  friend, cause' your my Dad too," she tried to explain once she saw the hurt on his face.

"Well, that's good to hear. I don't want you to up and forget all them tea parties we had..." he suggested in an attempt at humor to save his ego.

"You and I have fun and all, but...I mean, why don't I have a mom to do that stuff with? Isn't that what usually happens?" she asked, and Joel felt his face go pale.

"Yeah, sometimes. But Dad's can do tea parties too, there ain't nothing wrong with it," he explained gently.

"Why don't...I...have a mom?" she asked, with a very confused expression on your face.

"Sweetheart you have a mom; everyone has a mom," he said, and walked toward her at the table before knelt before her.

"But, where's mine? I've never seen her. There ain't even pictures," she tried to justify, and he swallowed hard again.

"Um, your mother...she...passed away a very long time ago," he stated very slowly, and watched her face to understand her reaction.  _Please don't ask how, I don't want to have to lie to you._

"Oh, well, that's sad," she simply replied, eyes darted away, and for a moment he was not sure what she felt.

"Hey, look at me. It  _is_  sad; and you can cry, if you want, don't be afraid," he tried to comfort, but she just shook her head.

"No, I mean, I don't really feel upset. Is it okay if I don't miss someone who was never here?" she questioned, and he yet again felt like the air had been ripped from his lungs.

"Yeah, Sarah, honey, it's...it's okay," he reassured her.

"You know, I kinda like it just you and me," she added after a moment, with a small smile on her face, and he beamed.

"I like it too, baby girl. Wouldn't have it any other way," he replied, and pulled her into a hug before he went back to the stove.

Even the thought of her sweet memory alone was enough to melt some of the ice that had frosted his heart.

It was one of the fondest memories he had of them together, and it seemed to sum up her personality. No matter what, even as a child, she was always well beyond her years, and she always held his best interest at heart. Sarah noticed every subtle nuance in his behavior, and their bond only deepened as she grew older and became more in tune to compliment his personality.

Eventually, she grew out of the tea parties that little girls are forcefully socialized into, and she became the independent tom-boy that made him proud to be her father. No matter what, his main goal while raising Sarah was to always make sure she was capable of being her own person. In fact, he had always wanted her to be stronger than him.

Perhaps, he had hoped that by her being so tough, she could save herself from disappointment in life.

His worst fear took physical form, however, when he realized that he was the source for letting her down. He himself became the ultimate disappointment, because he could not prevent her death. All those years of hard work, love, and sacrifice, meant nothing in the split second that the solider pulled the trigger, and ended her spirit forever, like it had never meant a damn thing.

_It's all my fault._

For the first time in years, Joel wept openly in the comfort of his own solitude.

He wept for the world and for becoming a monster. He felt that his actions the past few weeks had expressed that he truly was a stain on humanity, and it was confirmed for him when he realized that he had not cared about Ellie's feelings. Like always, he had placed his needs and emotional distress above everyone else, but although he knew it was wrong, it still terrified him to think for his unborn child.

Yes, in good time he wanted to love the child...and knew that he probably would, given time before the birth for his own shock to wear off, but something about that acceptance seemed  _wrong_. Joel was well aware that he was indeed forcing himself to be miserable, as illogical as it seemed.

A stubborn part of him refused with ferocity to accept things the way in which they were happening, much like when a child throws a tantrum. There was something missing, like a door needed to be closed somewhere else in time for him to feel satisfied enough to move on to the future completely and without the bitter taste of the past on his tongue.

He simply was not ready.

"You're an asshole," a voice beckoned, and Joel sat upright, completely startled.

"Who's there?" he demanded pitifully, but his words slurred more than he anticipated.

"You need to get yourself together. I really can't believe that you've done this much harm to yourself and that girl..." the voice said in absolute disappointment, but a bit louder for him to decipher who it was, and the mere sound alone forced him to sober immediately.

"...Sarah?!" he screamed, full of panic, shock, but mostly desperation.

"You're a  _mess_ ," it hissed, but Joel felt the air of her breath on his shoulder.

Suddenly, he turned, and there she was: the same little girl, dressed in the same pajamas that he had buried her in, though full of life. Joel clasped his hand to his mouth to muddle the loud, agonized whimper that forced itself out, and began to shake uncontrollably.

"No, no, baby girl, please, you're long gone," he wept quietly, and placed his hands over his face to refuse to look at her any longer.

"Dad, stop. Isn't this what you wanted? Didn't you want to see me?" she pressed, more softly, and placed her hands to his face much like he had done for her all those years ago.

He grabbed her tightly and then held her, before he began to rock back and forth. Never had he been more sure that he was on the verge of a mental breakdown; he had never hallucinated like this before, and the idea tormented him that she would eventually disappear.

"Don't you leave me yet, please, God, just please don't go yet. Warn me first, okay? You have to warn me first. I swear I won't be able to take it if you leave me without saying goodbye again," he choked, and suddenly pulled back to look her in the eyes, and was slightly relieved that she nodded.

"...It's awful funny that you mention  _God_...you know, I've been watchin' you for all these years, and you haven't seemed to be a God-fearin' man," she accused after a moment, and he swallowed hard.

"Sarah,  _baby_ , you're right. I have done  _terrible_   _things_  without you," he admitted, nodded furiously, and began to cry again.

"You know, I don't know what's worse: your behavior right after I died, or your behavior these past few weeks. Ellie brought out a side to you that I was afraid you'd never get back...you had so many good years, and then you go and screw all of this up! You're a terrible person, Dad!" she began to yell, and Joel crumbled inside.

"I was never supposed to live without you. You can't expect me to have another child when I couldn't even take care of the one I had before! I failed you..." he started, and she cut him off with a scowl.

"Oh my God, will you stop with this? I know I'm loved because you cherish my memory...and maybe too much, considering all the trouble it's gotten you in. I love you, but I don't like who you are. Not anymore," she accused, and Joel died a little more inside.

"I don't  _know_  how I'm supposed to make things right. I think she'll forgive me, but I don't deserve it, hell I don't deserve her, and none of this shit is fair for anyone!" he screamed in hopeless desperation.

"Start with me, Dad. You know what you need to do...set things right with the source of the problem..." she urged, voice now soft.

"Sarah, please, I need more time with you. Hold on, please, just...just  _hold on_!"

"Dad, you need to say goodbye!" she yelled back in exasperation.

"Dammit, just listen, please! I  _need_  to know that  _you_  know you'll never be replaced. Tell me that you understand that, and if you don't, then I need you to be honest."

"I know Ellie was never my replacement, and I certainly know that this child will not be my replacement either. Remember what I told you a long time ago? That it was okay to have more than one best friend? Well, maybe this is a little like that," she urged softly with a little nod, and Joel continued to breathe deeply.

"You're such a good girl...you would have been a  _phenomenal_  woman," he started, but his lips trembled, and tears began to fall again.

"I'd like to think so, and I know it would have been because of you...well, who you used to be. You can get that man back again...if you just try," she added.

"I love you more than I love myself...I know you understand, but I have to say it out loud. _God damn_ , this is hard... Sarah, you'll always be my baby."

"I love you too, Dad. Can we say goodbye yet?"

"...c'mere and hug me, I gotta savor this," he pulled her into a bear hug again, and when he felt her grip onto him as hard and lovingly as he held onto her, he let the words slip from his mouth.

"Goodbye, baby girl."

"Goodbye, Daddy."

* * *

Dawn broke, and the sunlight from the window of the abandoned tower forced Joel awake.

Apparently, he had passed out long ago...but the memory of his experience still pumped within his veins.

It was his imagination, induced by a drunken stupor, perhaps, but it may very well have been one of the most important events of his life. Joel wanted to believe that it was real even if it was not...but what mattered the most to him was that it  _felt_  real, and with the state he was in, he would gladly settle for that much peace of mind.

Joel never ran so quickly in his life, but as soon as he climbed down, his feet hit the dirt as fast as his legs would carry him toward the house.

Toward  _their_  house.

Toward the house that they were in the process of making into a home.

When he barged into the living room, he found her asleep on the couch, and very literally fell to his knees, before he crawled over to her, and buried his face into her lap. Ellie stirred in her sleep, before his cries truly woke her up, and after a moment of confusion she stared down at him in astonishment.

Ellie had seen him shed a tear before, but she had never seen him openly  _weep_  like this. Joel's normal emotional defenses were severely weakened, but he was happy about this, and refused to hide anything.

"Is this your apology?" she asked after a long time, once he quieted, and he eventually looked up at her.

"I am so God damned sorry. I don't...I don't even need you to accept it... but I want you to know that I'm 100% involved in this, and that we're gonna make the most of this experience," he urged, eyes wide, and she realized that she had never seen so much optimism from him before.

"Normally I wouldn't let this slide so easily, but I'm too consumed in you to hold a grudge at this point. I won't sacrifice my happiness to be miserable, unlike you."

"I swear I'm gonna take good care of you...of all of us..." he added slowly.

"And I swear that if you ever disrespect me again like this, or make me feel this insignificant, that I will walk away from you and never look back," she added, deathly serious, and Joel nodded in agreement fiercely.

"Okay..." he verbalized.

"So what happened, Joel, to make you act like this?" she questioned, and he busted out into laughter, like a fit of euphoria ran through his being.

"I...I saw her, Ellie. She was there, in the flesh...and she told me it was okay to move on," he said, and knew very well that he did not have to speak her name for Ellie to understand what he meant.

"I'm glad for you, really I am, but is everything supposed to be honky-dory just because you've told me this? After all the pain you've caused?" she asked slowly.

"No...I know that I can't fix what I've done that easily. I'll show you in time, God  _damn_  I swear I'll show you," he added, and she would not deny that she knew his promise to be trustworthy.

"I sure hope so, Joel. You...you really ruined me. I don't know if things will ever be the same, even if we come to forgive each other," she explained slowly, eyes somewhere beyond him.

"You...you didn't do anything wrong. I don't have to forgive you for anything," he soothed, but was stopped.

"Yes you do, you blamed me at first. But you've already forgiven me...maybe eventually I'll be able to do the same," she admitted with a shrug.

"You shoulda been happy whether or not I was happy at first, even though I ruined it for you. Please don't...don't sacrifice your own happiness to please me. Don't ever do that again, okay? And kick me in the ass when I need it."

"Okay..." she replied, face ambiguous.

"...Okay," he replied, just as jarred as he had been when they came back to Jackson.

Naturally, the conflict was far from completely solved, and the sting of the wounds Joel inflicted were still very real, but if they could experience happiness in the future in exchange for letting time run its course to soothe all the rest, then both of them would leave it for another day.

* * *

_A/N: Thank you all so very much for the appall in the reviews that I received, because you are all VERY CORRECT! xD Seriously, this may sound sarcastic at first, but I assure you it is not._

_I did not write last chapter for shock value, but rather, I wanted to portray what I believe to be a very real side to Joel that we are not accustomed to seeing. It's incredibly uncomfortable, and I was unnerved writing last chapter._

_He was very much out of character, because it was too much to bear. It's made evident on more than one occasion that Joel was absolutely over the line right after Sarah's death, and I'd like to think his apathetic attitude last chapter is a symptom of that coming to surface again._

_In response to **xXEidolonXx**  , no, I am not a father (plus I'm a twenty year old woman), but I cannot express how much I loved, loved, LOVED your review, because you so accurately stated the truth of the matter! You are also very correct in saying that an author should never write something for shock value alone, and I loved the thoughtfulness you expressed. The reader should always be considered before fiction is written._

_I wrote last chapter to signify the utter metamorphosis that Joel is about to undergo._

_Joel is the father, and will love the child no matter what...! But, I believe that he would be very much in his own way before he would let himself feel what was in his heart. In fact, I think an even better question would be to ask everyone, "Have you ever lost a child?" (Obviously, I have not, but I think having that grief, especially unexpressed and repressed, would rear its ugly head in the light of another child coming into the picture)._

_Ah, the mindfulness and emotional tone of the reviews showed me that everyone is very in tune to these characters, which is great, because they definitely deserve it._

_Then again, what I intended for last chapter may have been completely stupid with no sense, but I hoped that this chapter could effectively bring us full circle so that there isn't a sense of "What the hell just happened?" (which is why this A/N is last)._

_If you read all of that, thank you oh so very much!_


	15. Dinner Party: Ellie (Future)

**2041**

As it was the first day of the New Year, Ellie had already reached six months into the pregnancy. What was once an ever-subtle budge at the middle of her abdomen had become a rather well rounded bump, but although she had gained weight in her cheeks and belly, the rest of her body seemed physically unaware of the complete metamorphosis it was currently undergoing.

On one hand, this was good, because with an extra baggy shirt of Joel's on her body (she had practically taken over his wardrobe) the pregnancy seemed virtually unnoticeable to the community. On the other hand, the next few months to come were sure to make everything obvious to everyone, and they had only a little time to keep the secret.

Hopefully, tonight's dinner would change some of that fact significantly.

"Joel, stop fidgeting. Everything is going to be  _perfectly_   _fine_ ," Ellie said, almost agitated, and he turned to look at her as she stood near the bathroom mirror.  _Easy for you to say, darlin'._

"You sure you wanna do this tonight?" Joel countered with a deep breath, and gripped his watch.

"Tommy and Maria are family, and they love us. They might react a bit strangely at first, but that's because it's a little…shocking," she added slowly.

"It's more than a little shocking, Ellie. All this time they've had no idea about us, and now we're gonna tell them we're havin' a baby? Flabbergasted is my guess," Joel added with a shrug.

"Is there something about negativity that just draws you in? Please stop being so dramatic," she groaned, and he almost allowed himself to smile, but guilt prevented him.

"You're right…I'm sorry. I just don't want you gettin' your feelings hurt if they act a little standoffish at first," he sighed, and she turned to him and frowned.

"Well, it can't be any worse than your initial reaction," she accused with a certain bitter sarcasm, and he nodded again after a long pause.

"Right again…and I'm sorry, again. Your well being is my first priority now, like it always should have been, so I'm trying to brace you for the worst," he stated, with just as much genuine regret as the last one hundred times that he had apologized.

With her pregnancy, he had become just as overprotective as he had been when they had first started their journey across the country.

"I know, Joel, really I do. I just can't help but wonder if there's something else you're worried about?" she asked, now serious, with the caring look on her face, and eyes that looked through his bullshit, which always melted him.

"I ain't afraid of how they're gonna treat  _you_. I'm afraid I'm gonna be enemy number one, and you're gonna feel the load of it even though they don't mean to hurt you," he explained, and walked his way over to her to brush her cheek with his hand.

Obviously, her hormones were unusually high, and he had noticed that her susceptibility toward crying for the littlest of reasons had increased. Not that he belittled her for it, because he felt her emotional responses were always verified, even though she tried to hide it and was slightly embarrassed by it. On more than one occasion Joel had held her in the middle of a breakdown to reassure her about herself, but she would always brush him off and accuse him of "trying to be nice".

"Why would you be enemy number one?" she asked.

"Tommy, Maria and I are from a time where our relationship would have been damn near illegal. Hell, to even put the two of them in my age group is pushing it, considering I'm way older than them. You get the idea," he tried to explain, brow furrowed.

"I thought the age didn't bother you?" she pressed again, almost upset.

"It doesn't, but I can't speak for others, baby," he replied softy.

"Joel, is it so far-fetched for me to just want some normalcy? Just like back in your day. When two people in a committed relationship could be happy about having a baby, and so could everyone else," she almost whined, but he felt she more than deserved to feel some envy at the past.

"It ain't far-fetched at all. I wish you could have had a life the way it used to be…but that ain't the way of the world anymore," he stated, and she nodded after a long moment.

"I know, I know…just…thanks, for putting up with me. I know I haven't been the easiest to deal with these past few months," she admitted sadly, and he frowned, before he broke the barrier between them again and cradled her softly against his chest.

"Nonsense, ya hear me? You're goin' through a lot more than me right now, and I feel bad that I can't at least ease some of it for you. I love you just as much now, if not more, than I ever have, if that makes you feel any better," he offered, and she almost allowed herself to smile slightly.

"Do you really mean that?" she asked, eyes narrowed, and tugged at his shirt to pull him in closer. Joel raised an eyebrow, and smiled confidently.

"Yes ma'am. I even like the extra weight you've put on…it's cute," he almost smoldered with a wink.  _Always was too skinny…now she looks healthy like a grown woman deserves_. He had been giving her extra portions of his food, and ate less in return, for fear that she would no receive the proper nutrient content her body now required.

"Oh, cut the shit," she accused with a roll of her eyes.

"I'm serious," he replied, voice almost dark.

"…Just cute?" she now questioned, eyes ablaze, and he grinned.

"Well, maybe a bit more than just cute," he teased, right after he kissed her deeply. Small hands ran through his hair, and he heard her breath hitch in surrender; he thrusted his hips toward her, then she grabbed onto his waist in response to force him closer, which evoked a rather obvious physical response.

"I guess that's proof enough," she mentioned suggestively.  _Hormones are finally working to my advantage… I've still got it._

Before he could continue, however, they were interrupted by a knock at the door downstairs.

"God dammit," he growled, and she laughed.

"I'll go get it…put that thing down, Joel, we have guests," she began humorously, but mention of what was to come in their very near future forced her face to grow grave, and she sighed.

* * *

Tommy and Maria rambled on and on about mediocre topics, all of which concerned the settlement or Emily. On any other occasion, Joel would have found these subjects to be of value, but as he knew very well where the conversation would turn, he could not allow himself to focus. An occasional nod, here and there from him, made it seem as though he were present when he was actually far-gone.

Luckily for him, Ellie was the talker in the relationship, so his silences in social situations were often ignored. Instead of the normal assumption that he was morose or bored, it was now assumed that he was quiet because she made up for what he lacked.

"-you sick or something? You keep playin' with your corn," Tommy accused, and Joel was snapped from his thoughts. Suddenly, all eyes were on him at the table.

"Naw, I ain't sick," Joel brushed off with a nervous chuckle, and his brother's eyes narrowed, but Tommy could not find what was under the surface of the façade.

"You oughta get more like Ellie; young lady, you've certainly got a healthy appetite these days. Those cheeks of yours have never looked rosier," Tommy complimented, but Joel and Ellie exchanged a quick, loaded glance.

"Jeez, Tommy, don't embarrass her; you're so patronizing, not to mention that wasn't exactly a compliment if it was taken from another perspective," Maria scolded, and smiled sadly at Ellie as a means to make amends for her husband's behaviors.

"You know what? You're right. Ellie, I think I've gotten so used to seeing you as a niece that I've ignored the possibility that you're a grown woman," Tommy said genuinely. Joel's eyes flashed toward his brother.

_A niece? Wrong again, fucker. Do you even know me? I'd never disgrace Sarah or Ellie in that way. How dare you…_

"Tommy, you see her as a niece?" Joel asked, and his brother froze.

"Well, you're my brother, and you brought her here when she was a child, not to mention the bond the two of you have…" Tommy continued, almost confused by now.

Emotion flooded Joel's conscience, but he forced logic into his mind.  _What was he supposed to suspect? Of course he's always thought she was like your daughter. You never tried to correct him all these years._

"I never…I never tried to replace Sarah. Ellie and Sarah are both equally important to me, but in different ways…" he began, and Tommy paled instantly.

After all, it had been well over twenty years since Joel had even said her name in his brother's presence.

"Joel, just because I said that I saw Ellie as a niece doesn't mean I thought you replaced…her," Tommy choked, and Maria stared at her plate.

"It's okay, Tommy, you can say her name," Joel soothed, which was extremely uncustomary.

"I never thought you tried to replace Sarah," Tommy replied, and his eyes watered once the name left his mouth.

"But, you thought I'd filled the void she left with someone else?" Joel prodded, not angry.

"I mean…when you put it that way…yes," Tommy admitted.

There was a silence between everyone that lasted for a few, painful minutes.

Joel was desperately lost at how to go about the reveal, considering how much more difficult it felt now that all this had come out. Not only would it be difficult at first to convince them that his relationship with Ellie was pure due to the age, but he was now up against taking another niece from his brother and sister-in-law. If it was going to be hard for them to accept the relationship before, at this time it was confirmed to be much more complicated.

Tommy and Maria still reeled from the weight of Sarah's memory; Ellie, however, watched Joel's body language carefully, until he finally sighed and looked into her eyes for help.

"Ellie, honey…" he initiated weakly, with a shake of his head to admit his defeat.

"I don't know if you guys know this, but I'll be twenty-two this year," she began.

"Is that so?" Tommy whispered bleakly, but his eyes were still glued to the plate in his utter distraction.

"Yes; and, uh, as you said earlier…I have gained some weight," she said with a nod, in absolute embarrassment for the lack of flow where her subject was headed.

Maria this time, not Tommy, seemed to take an interest on the undertone of her words. Joel sat with his eyes closed like a ghost.  _C'mon, baby, just say it._

"Oh my God…Ellie, are you…?" Maria verbalized the beginning of her question, but merely mouthed the rest.

Joel's eyes opened, as he assessed the women's features, and for the first time all night he was relieved. After the initial suspicion, there was absolute support in Maria's eyes, and Ellie seemed to thank her silently. All at once, it was evident to Joel how close the two of them had become when he was not around.

"I'm six months pregnant," Ellie admitted breathlessly. Aside from the nerves, however, Joel felt with certainty that he filled with pride when she said it, but it was short lived when Tommy snapped his head up in bliss.

"…Well… God damn, you took my advice to heart!"

"Have you seen Cyrus yet?" Maria asked, and she nodded to confirm that the town doctor had examined and given her medical advice.

"Bastard didn't even tell us! We had dinner with him last week. Guess he did take an oath a long time ago, though," Tommy reasoned.

"What took you so long to tell us? We didn't even know you were seeing anyone," Maria gushed, and reached across the table to hold her hand.

"You  _are_  seeing someone…right?" Tommy added darkly, then turned to Joel like a partner in crime, as if to insinuate that this could have been some unfortunate, violent mistake that could only be solved with vengeance.

"It ain't anything like that, Tommy. Believe me, I woulda killed the son of a bitch with my bare hands," Joel finally spoke to him, but it was more of a choked whisper, and his eyes were somewhere unfocused, in a realm beyond the room.

"I  _have_  been seeing someone…for a very long time, actually," she continued, and Joel clenched his teeth as he braced for the impact of her next revelation.

"Well who is it? Is it Jonny? He's your age. To be honest, we thought you'd marry or maybe even court with someone publicly first…but none of that really matters," Maria blew off with a laugh, and her glee was evident.

"…Really, guys? …Really?" Ellie struggled with a sigh after yet again another moment of silence.

"Ellie, it's fine," Joel reassured her quietly with a nod.

"What's so bad? Is it an age difference? There's quite a few years between Maria and me, ain't no harm in it!" Tommy tried to reassure.

"There's a pretty significant difference…" she admitted guiltily.

"How significant?" Maria and Tommy asked at the same time.

"Try 34 years," Joel almost spat bitterly.

" _Holy_   _shit_ , Joel! Does it make you uncomfortable that she…" Tommy started in a cackle, before it finally clicked. The look of horror on his face was enough to make Joel go red, and soon Maria picked up on it too.

"You…you cannot be serious," she asked, dumbfounded.

" _We're serious_ ," Joel replied, with a look of steel at both of them, before he softened in a glance to Ellie.

"…How long? Please tell me it hasn't been the whole time," Tommy pressed, in complete disgust.

"Did you take advantage of her innocence…?" Maria added in outrage.

"Christ, I'm not a pedophile! Even though I guess this ain't much better…Ellie and I  _agreed_  to this as consenting adults. My feelings changed when she matured…" he started, but was soon interrupted.

"- I pretty much always wanted to nail him," Ellie added with a nostalgic smile.  _Fuckin' unpredictable hormones._

"You're  _not_   _adding_  to our credibility," Joel growled with his eyes closed, but on any other occasion, he admitted to himself that he would have roared with laughter.

"Listen, I was always attracted to him, but I blew it off for a few years. Then, it got really intense, and I realized it was love. Even  _then_  I tried to avoid it; I tried to talk to some guys my age, but…I just…I just…" Ellie tried to explain, but was flustered. _. God damn girl is still sweet as pie even when she gets agitated._

"…You what, baby?" Joel asked in a whisper, now calmer, the sides of his lips almost turned in a smile, and was suddenly overwhelmed with the life they had built together.

"Joel is mine, and I'm his. We very literally cannot be with anyone else. I don't think we owe you more of an explanation than that," Ellie said with conviction.

Yet again, a moment of silence overwhelmed everyone.

At some point, Tommy sighed, and looked at Maria to yield, who seemed more than ready to fight it, but he seemed to calm her down.  _He's always been a better man than me…I know he'll accept us. Don't know why I ever doubted him before_.

"People are gonna talk," Tommy started with heavy eyes.

"Let em' talk. Far as I'm concerned we don't owe anyone any explanations, considering the two of you and Cyrus already know," Joel explained.

"They're sure to figure out eventually, Joel…do you wanna have a constant secret?"

"If anyone has any questions about the situation, tell em' to ask  _me_ ," Joel warned dangerously to everyone at the table, and solved the problem immediately.

"…I doubt you'll have any takers," Tommy chuckled without humor.

"That's  _exactly_  my point. Listen… my life has been nothing but struggle, it's time for me to be at peace; Ellie deserves all that and the happiness more than me…I'll do anything to protect that. _Anything_."

* * *

Although it took quite some time, Maria and Tommy came to understand the situation as best they could, and that was all that Joel and Ellie wanted. More than anything, Joel hoped it had not been too stressful on Ellie, because he knew he felt the weight heavily, but if it had been tense, he was glad it was now over.

_Free at last._

Something about the situation brought them closer, like with the acknowledgement that they had kept such secrets together, made them realize that it had always been the two of them against the world. The end of humanity, the infected, loneliness, and depression just to name a quick few…but somehow, they had saved each other from it all.

Ellie had all but passed out on the couch from exhaustion. While she napped for a short while, Joel prepared a hot bath as a means to offer her some sort of comfort. Lately, as she swelled with the child in her belly, she was quick to tire and ache.

Truth be told, he was quite surprised she had not experienced some sort of emotional breakdown during Tommy and Maria's visit, but she must have prepared herself well ahead of time. That was his main concern before the dinner, and he had kept a close eye on her the entire night. However, the more carefully he watched her responses, the more in tune to her he felt again, just like all the strain of the past few months had been nonexistent.

It was refreshing, and he hoped that perhaps she felt it too. After all the hell he had caused her, he desperately wanted her to feel as secure as she did before the pregnancy, before he had acted so terribly.

"Ellie, sweetheart, wake-up," he nudged her awake on the couch, with a hand over the swell of her womb.

"Shit, what time is it?" she questioned, voice deep with sleep.

"You've only been asleep about an hour. I made a bath, if you're up for it," he offered, and she smiled slowly in agreement.

He followed behind her as she climbed the steps, and noticed the increased roundness of her stomach even from the back. Although she had gained baby weight, her frame was still so small, to the point that it nearly worried him, but he brushed the thought aside. If he became anxious she would notice, and would become anxious in return, so he refused to ponder further.

As she paused to open the bathroom door, he bent slightly to kiss the top of her head as a means to say goodnight, and continued to walk toward their bedroom.

"You aren't coming?" she asked, almost pitifully.

"I didn't know I was wanted," Joel replied as he turned around, and the genuine look of pleasant surprise on his face moved her.

"You're always wanted," she simply said, and then entered the bathroom with him on her heels.

As they undressed, Joel noticed her reluctance to face him, which was unusual. With a furrow of his brow, he pretended to be occupied with his belt buckle as he got a good look at her nude physique.  _She's bigger than I thought…_ Relief and satisfaction flowed through him, but she consistently avoided his gaze, and he suddenly felt like he was an intruder.

"Uh, Ellie…" he began cautiously.

"What?" she asked quickly in agitation over her shoulder, and he frowned out of sadness.

"Nothin'…sorry," he replied, and did not want to make her more uncomfortable.

While his back was turned as he folded his clothes, she quickly sat down in the water, and it filled all the way up to her chest.

"Holy shit, how long did it take you to heat all this water so well? I've never had a really hot bath," she praised, suddenly fine, and he was further confused, but hid it well.

"It took some extra time, but I figured it'd be worth it," he said as he slowly sat down behind her, for fear that he might accidentally scare her off.  _She's awfully skittish…_

"It's not you, Joel…" she said over her shoulder, as though she had read his mind.

"It feels like it. How are you holdin' up with all these changes?" he asked slowly, with his mouth close to her ear in the hope that it would cause her to relax. Something about her seemed tormented, and the fact that she was quick to brush off her feelings made him sick with worry in the pit of his stomach.

"Honestly, it isn't you. I just feel stupid, like a little kid," she said with a sad laugh.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" he pressed quietly, and then felt her lean her weight back against him more comfortably.  _There you go, baby, tell me what's wrong._

"I feel a little out of control with myself. I'm all over the place half the time with my feelings, and I'm starting to feel fat, even though I know it isn't logical," she giggled at her own expense.

"Is that why you wouldn't let me see you?" he pressed, bewildered, though it made sense now.

"Yeah, I thought you understood?" she questioned, equally surprised, and when she turned to look at him, they both laughed when they had the same expression.

"No, why would I have understood?" he asked.

"Before you had Sarah, didn't your wife ever act like this?" she asked, and then he realized that she had given him more credit than he deserved.

"I wouldn't know. We were both in school and then I stated workin' two jobs…this time around with you is my first real experience with a pregnant woman," he admitted.

"That's awful," she said after a moment.

"It is awful," he agreed darkly.

"Is it selfish for me to say that I'm glad we can share this first together?" she asked in a whisper, like she was ashamed of herself, and he chuckled.

"Not at all, and I'm just as glad," he replied honestly.

"At first, I thought the morning sickness was the worst, but that's been over for a while and now I'm convinced that the constant irritation and general discomfort bother me more," she admitted.

"So far, would you be willing to do it all over again?" he asked, generally curious.

"I'd like to think so…I do feel a bond with it…the baby, I mean…but I'm confused how that is going to morph into some love that I've never experienced. Does that make sense?" she whispered again, and he smiled brightly.

" I thought the same thing before Sarah was born, but there's somethin' about the first time you see your child…you'll understand soon," he promised, she seemed to believe him, because she relaxed even further.

"Would you be willing to do it over again?" she asked in return.

"Aren't we in the process of doing that?" he replied lightly.

"Well, yes, but I mean after. Would you be willing to have another?" she pressed.

"Baby, let's just wait and see how things play out," he stated after a sigh, and began to massage the tension away in her neck with little circles.

"Mhmm, so I got a 'let's see' from you. That's usually the most positive response in your repertoire," she praised, and he beamed in response.

"Shh, do me a favor a rest a little. You've had a long day," he pleaded, and almost on command she shut her eyes and fell asleep.

The water started to cool eventually, so Joel wrapped her in a towel before he carried her to their room, and snuggled against her to keep her warm. While she was asleep, he found himself fascinated with the child in her womb, and spent the rest of the night thinking of what they would do once the baby was born.

_So, are you a girl in there, or a boy?_

* * *

_Desperately wanted to show a sweeter, more mature side of Joel and Ellie as two adults in a romantic relationship, but I hope I kept it realistic.  
_

 


	16. New Beginnings: Ellie (Future)

**2041**

It was time.

The town doctor had arrived earlier that morning, after Ellie had finally revealed to Joel that she had been having contractions through the night. Joel assumed that they had grown too strong for her to ignore, and it had made her realize that she could not prolong the event any longer. Of course, Joel did understand her hesitation to wake him and tell him the news: she was probably slightly afraid, not only for her own personal reasons, but because she knew that fear of the unknown was not something that he dealt with easily. Once the fearful admittance escaped her mouth, he remembered vividly that he had paused for far too long, deep in thought, before he ran to get Cyrus for a house call.

Yet, everything since then had been calm before the storm...

Tommy and Maria waited downstairs out of the way (Joel had gotten them to come some hours after Cyrus, for what he attributed in his mind to be emotional support, though he realized that he now regretted it), while he waited upstairs with Ellie and Cyrus.

The three of them had essentially shacked up in what was once Ellie's old room, as it had been sterilized to the best of their abilities. She lay on the bed, somewhere consumed in her own world, probably talking herself through the process. Joel had never seen her so quiet and deep in thought, and the lack of her constant chatter, which he had obviously grown accustomed to over the years, was gone...for the first time, he regretted his taciturn habits, and realized that perhaps Ellie had been forced to live in suspense like this with him since they had met.  _God damn, this is uncomfortable._  Usually, he liked to be alone with his thoughts...and yet now, all he wanted was to hear her speak, to focus his attention on something else.

Joel eventually began to feel a sort of queasy sentiment in the pit of his stomach, though he knew very well that it could be attributed to numerous reasons. Life would never be the same, and perhaps, for the first time, he allowed himself to consider his own mortality.

In his life, he had spent most of his time living dangerously on the edge, with too many close calls, and yet now, as he aged and was confronted with the birth of a new life that would share his blood, he considered death.

Not a violent death, or even death by infection...but simply a peaceful, quiet, natural death. For some reason, it bothered him more than he would admit. Perhaps, because even with all his skill and experience, he knew it was unavoidable, and there was absolutely nothing anyone could do to prevent it. The sense that he was on borrowed time had never bothered him, but now he could not get it out of his mind.

How long would he have with this child? Would he be able to teach it everything that he knew to survive, all the violence and melancholy aside? Joel hoped so...if not, he knew he could never be at peace with himself. What about Ellie? He hoped he could help her raise the child for most of its life, as well as love both of them to the best of his ability, and would not abandon them unfairly simply because of his age. She would be fine without him, right?  _Right?_

"Joel, she's making progress...won't be too much longer now. She's seven centimeters..." the ever helpful, ever keen Cyrus suggested quietly, and jarred Joel from his thoughts.

He had always liked Cyrus, as he was an educated man who never seemed to bother anyone. Over the past few months, they had grown quite acquainted...the first person Joel even thought to consider a true "friend" since the outbreak...though "friend" seemed a little strong. Neither of them were social creatures, but they certainly bonded better together than with the others.

He noticed Ellie stir in the bed, and heard her laugh nervously. He sat in the chair next to her, while Cyrus was in his position at the foot of the bed.

"Seven centimeters...holy shit," she remarked to herself quietly, without humor, and he heard her release a deep breath that she had been holding. Admittedly, he had never seen her like this, and internally he flinched for her sake.

"You holdin' up okay..." he mumbled softly after a moment, his customary response.

It was always the equivalent of so many emotions, that he may or may not have had the ability to express fully, in such a hidden phrase: it was  _'I'm worried about you','I'm here for you', 'I'm just as scared as you are',_ and _'I love you'_  all in one, and without the cliches.

 _He_  knew that  _she_ knew what his simple question meant, and he was thankful.

At the corners of her lips, he almost received a smile that she had surely put on for his own benefit, but when she struggled to turn and look at him, he reached out to touch her arm to stop, and she relaxed again.

"Well, the pain is almost bearable, and apparently I'm still alive, so I'd say so," she simply replied, and he almost cringed at her joking manner in regard to childbirth related death. It was a very real possibility, and suddenly he felt more sick than before.

Joel did not reply.

Suddenly, a rough contraction consumed her, and she sucked in air deeply to overcome the pain. All in all, her toughness consistently surprised him, though he should not have expected any less from her. However, he felt utterly useless, and some sort of fear consumed him. He felt his lips begin to tingle as the blood left his face. Soon, he was reminded of his behavior when Sarah was born, and he realized that this was similar.

"Need some air?" Cyrus mouthed, so Ellie would not hear, and Joel nodded before he stood quickly.

"I'll be back," he choked, and stumbled quickly out the room.

With the door closed behind him, and with his brother and sister-in-law downstairs, Joel sat against the wall, head in hands. Anxiety clogged his mind, and he placed his head between his legs, as the nausea consumed him. The nerves in his stomach clenched, and he quickly stifled bile with his hand against his mouth, then swallowed hard, before a loud and admittedly disgusting belch escaped his lips. Deep breaths went in and out of his lungs, and the sweat glistened across his brow began to cool him down.

_You gonna embarrass yourself and puke on your own floor, you weak fuck? What's wrong with you? It was bad enough when you were a boy...but you're an old man now. You've seen and done too damn much to react like this._

"Joel?" Tommy asked on the steps in a whisper, and his head flew up to greet his brother.

"What?" he almost spat, but Tommy's face softened, and soon he sat down next to him.

"She'll be all right, Joel," he comforted, but Joel just shook his own head, before he took his hand across his brow to wipe the sweat away.

"I'm too fuckin' old. It ain't fair for Ellie, or for the baby. Kid's gonna be forced to grow up too fast when..." he began, but stopped with a sigh, and shook the thought away.

"Too fast when what?" Tommy asked, very softly, and Joel felt his intentions were for the best.

"Nothin'," he simply replied, and felt lost.

"You ain't too old. You were a damn good father before, and you still will be," his brother added, and Joel almost snickered bitterly, but he stifled it when he felt that his brother was doing his best to calm him down.

"Tommy, you ever...you ever think about death?" he philosophized, somewhere deep in thought. Tommy frowned at his uncharacteristic behavior, almost scared of his brother's true intent, but then thought deeply in response to the question.

"All the time...especially after Emily was born. Puts things in perspective, I guess," he admitted without shame, and Joel finally looked at him.

"I just...worry," he admitted with a shrug, and Tommy nodded.

"You got plenty of good years ahead of you, Joel...plenty of time to raise this baby with Ellie, don't you worry about that," he stated firmly, and for some reason, Joel was almost comforted.

"Promise me you'll take care of them when I'm gone," he asked without fear or hesitation, and they looked at one another with an intensity they had never shared before.

Tommy thought to ignore the request, and assure his brother that it would not come to that, but logically, he knew that would be a lie, and he felt torn. After a long moment of silence, he nodded.

"I promise. You know that..." he further added, and Joel nodded to himself.

"I do. Thank you...it, uh...it means the world. They  _are_  my world. I know you understand..." Joel opened himself willingly, and Tommy was thrilled to see him do it.

"Can I ask you a question?" Tommy began, and Joel steeled.

"Go ahead..." he led in.

"You hopin' for a boy or a girl?" Tommy questioned, and Joel allowed a small smile turn at his lips.

"I don't mind, long as it's healthy. I can't help but wonder, though, if havin' a boy would sit better on my conscience," he admitted, after a long moment of debate whether he should be honest or not. Although he had finally come to terms with Sarah's death, he could not help but to think that having yet another baby girl would unsettle him a bit.

"I can see that..." Tommy nodded in understanding, and although Joel expected to be judged, he was surprised. Tommy deserved more credit than he had ever given him in their life together.

"Listen...I should probably get my shit together and go inside," Joel stated warmly, and he and Tommy got up, before they went to their separate positions. Something consumed Joel, however, and he turned around before he went back inside.

"Tommy..." he called with a confused frown, and his brother turned around in surprise.

"You good?" Tommy asked, and Joel nodded.

"I just...I... wanted to say I'm sorry. For everything I've ever done to you in the past. You've always been a better man than me," he admitted, finally at peace with himself. Tommy's eyes widened, and he braced the stair rail as the apology sank in.

"Joel, you don't have to-"

"-no, Tommy, I mean it," he interrupted, fully truthful, and after a long moment of silence, Tommy nodded and headed back downstairs.

It was time he started to patch things up in his life, and make good the life he had driven to ruin so long ago.

It was time for new beginnings.

* * *

"Push, just a bit more there, Ellie, and we'll be done," Cyrus urged, and Joel stood across the room and watched the scene like a ghost.

For a while he had stood next to Ellie and held her hand, but from the way she writhed it appeared to him that in her pain she did not want to be touched, and with the stress of the moment, he felt it better to keep his emotions bottled at the far end of the room, by the door. At this angle, he could see brief glimpses of the head when Cyrus moved, and although he had been disturbed at first, he now felt moved by the scene.

All in all, she had been pushing at this stage for roughly two hours, and was absolutely past the point of complete exhaustion. One of the blood vessels in her eyes had been busted from the force of pushing, while the other was simply bloodshot from lack of sleep. At this point, she seemed ready to give up, and Joel felt his stomach tighten in fear.

She was never a crier, and although she had not cried yet from pain during the birth, he felt positive that she would have by now, if only it did not require so much energy (which she did not have at the present moment). Joel wanted to do something to soothe her, but knew that realistically there was nothing for him to do that could provide comfort, and felt useless again. Also, he was not the type to coddle, although he wished now, more than ever, that he was.

In a moment that was almost missed by Joel, he got closer and saw the entire conclusion of the scene: after a loud grunt of exertion, the child was pulled from her loins, and Cyrus held it up to assess.

"A boy, Joel..." he remarked almost sadly, but it went unnoticed by Joel, as he was in a near trace as he looked at his son. Joel got closer, and felt the instinct click immediately: the same rush of pure love and affection snapped inside his heart and mind. Time slowed again, and the world was innocent again, and love simply consumed his entire being.

Soon, however, when he reached to take the child from the doctor, he realized that the baby no longer had the pink hue, though easily misconstrued from the various other substances on the body, and looked blue.

_My boy never cried..._

"Cyrus...he ain't... he ain't breathin'..." Joel choked out in horror, and Cyrus began to work quickly.

_No, no, no._

Ellie, who had been near a state of shock after the final push, finally began to speak.

"Where's my baby? Let me see," she whispered affectionately, voice nearly gone.

Cyrus began to pat the baby, in an attempt to jolt the lungs and the breathing response, but Joel continued to watch in absolute terror that nothing was happening. Simply put, he was frozen, unable to react in any way.

"Joel?" Ellie called, though she seemed miles away. The tone in her voice, however, now sounded concerned.

"My God," Joel choked again, and felt tears in his eyes that threatened to spill over.

_No, no, you can't do this to me._

"Joel!?" Ellie now yelled, and he heard the hysteria in her voice.

"Cyrus, you can't let this happen," he pleaded, and felt the world collapse.

"I'm doing all that I can, Joel!" he defended, and continued to maneuver the baby in way to force the airway to function.

"Oh my God, you...you cannot do this to us. No, no no," Joel now verbalized his pleas, to a God that he had never believed in, out loud, as the tears of resentment flooded down his cheeks.

_This is my fault...I didn't even want him at first. This...this is my fault again._

_"_ Joel why isn't he crying?" she yelled, as sobs of hysteria wrecked her body.

"Baby, I don't know!" he finally responded, and when she heard the tears and the fear in his voice, she truly lost it to her grief.

Ellie's screams filled the room, and he felt himself grow small as he sank down to the floor, head in hands, with shoulders that shook violently.

_Life ain't fuckin' fair. Life is hell. Why?_

Suddenly, a new sound filled the room.

Joel was convinced for a moment that it was his own muffled sobs, and was shocked, but soon he looked up, and saw the baby flail in Cyrus's arms. The unmistakable, wet cry of a newborn registered in his ears, and a gasp emitted from his mouth.

_Yes...yes, yes._

"Ellie! Ellie...my God," he praised loudly, and her hysterics ceased for a minute, only to be replaced with tearful gasps of air as she gained controlled again, understanding that her child...their child... was alive.

"Cyrus, is he okay?" she called tearfully for confirmation, and Cyrus laughed heartily.

"Yes, he's just fine," he replied simply after a moment, and sighed from relief.

Joel turned to Ellie, as the child was brought to her for the first time, and he saw her undergo complete metamorphosis in a matter of seconds. Ellie, the mother, looked at the child with a sort of awe that inspired him, and he felt fully convinced that perhaps life was worth all the pain, and all the hell, if such phenomenal moments like this could instill hope inside his worn soul.

_I swear, neither of you will go a day without knowing the extent of my love._

_I fuckin' **swear**._


	17. The Hunt: Ellie (Future)

**2051**

Ten years...

_Ten fuckin' years._

Time had gone on with little to no difficulty, as Joel reminisced.

The town did not quite know what to make of the newest member of the family, at first. The gossip had started out that Ellie had been knocked up by a boy, though no one had the faintest idea who, and painted Joel out to be the victimized father figure that had gotten stuck with raising a child that was not his. All of it annoyed Ellie to no end, and she told Joel on more than one occasion that she intended to tell them where they could put their opinions, but he convinced her that it would only make things worse of a bearable situation.

Over time, however, some undeniable traits began to show up as the infant became a toddler.

Joel was obviously proud that his son shared his jaw, nose, and what used to be of his hair color...yet, eventually, in response, the rumors began to change from obscene to correct, and yet no one had dared to accost them in person, for fear of how one of them might react. The child was Joel, up and down, and there was no way to deny it.

Motherhood suited Ellie nicely, however, and she had so naturally made the adjustment that it almost humored him. The way in which she had instantly become less reckless, and more protective, as well as filter some of her profanity, was like some magic had been cast over.

At times, Joel found himself melancholy that she could not have been with him from the very beginning, and they could have grown together before the world had gone to shit...in an idealistic situation where they were the right age, at the right time and the right place...of course, if circumstances had been different, he may not have had Sarah...but, the way in which they meshed, especially in parenting, confirmed in his mind what he had always known: they were perfect together, and apparently they made damn good-looking babies.

The age difference, and her lack of experience compared to him, had bothered her for the first few years. Raising Sarah alone meant that Joel had already been keen to the subtle needs of a child. Whenever the boy got sick, Joel had already assumed something was wrong before Ellie even had a clue. Of course, however, it did not mean that she was negligent, and Joel never looked down on her or felt superior, but he knew that deep down she felt that he had yet again held an unfair advantage. Perhaps he did, though he was not sure for how much longer he would benefit from the age gap.

Perhaps Ellie feared that when the child grew up, it would prefer the more experienced parent and look down at her in response. To both their shock, once the boy had reached the age where his personality was evident, he had taken a special shine to his mother. Probably because they were so different, while he and Joel held similar traits that were bound to clash, to an extent.

Ellie had always made it apparent that she loved that Holden was so similar to Joel...after all, they were qualities that she knew deeply. Yet, deep down, as Joel came to realize how similar the child was to him, and how much more he would become like his father, he feared for him.

_I wouldn't wish that on anybody...especially my son._

Not to say that they had  _not_  grown close...love was always evident between them, but it was more of a competitive, lesson-based relationship, and Joel did not know if his son's personality was responsible, or if that was just how father/son relationships typically were. Joel was incredibly tender with the child, but in some way, he felt that his son almost feared him...like he saw him as some intimidating force. Perhaps it was just his role in the community, as many people had always been afraid of him...and when Holden started at the school a few years back, the other children were clear on their stance against his father, instilled in them from their own parents.

One day, when he was five, Joel noticed that he had gone very quiet at the dinner table after Ellie had questioned him about how he had liked starting school.

"S'okay," he simply replied, with a shrug, and instantly Joel and Ellie flashed a look between one another.

"Really...just, 'okay'? You can't expect us to believe  _that_ ," she led in softly, in an attempt to pull something out of him, but he simply shrugged again, and continued to eat in silence.

Joel knew the child would not respond to such an obvious attempt to get inside his mind...because Joel knew that he himself would not have responded. Dinner continued in the same manner, but later that night, Joel knocked on his son's door before bed, after he had given him plenty of time to sort out his little feelings.

"Can I come say goodnight?" he led in, slowly, and made sure that he would be allowed to enter on his son's terms. _I need to manipulate him like I'd manipulate myself..._

"Yeah," a soft, almost sad voice called from in the room, and Joel entered slowly.

"Just wanted to make sure...you been a little distant tonight...I wouldn't wanna bother you," Joel began, very truthfully.

"You aren't bothering me," Holden replied, eyes wide, almost in defense, because he felt bad that he had caused his father to feel that way.

"Well, then, you wanna tell me what's goin' on?" Joel urged, gently, like he might scare him off if he pushed too hard.

"I don't know..." the boy said, after a deep sigh, as though he carried the world on his shoulders. It hurt Joel, in that very instant, as he knew that his son's demeanor was almost identical to his own...and he pitied him for it.

"Son, have the other kids said somethin' to make you like this..." Joel led in, eyes narrowed, like an ominous threat loomed around the corner for all the children who had wronged his son, if he were to agree. After a long moment of silence, where Holden had avoided eye contact and played with his hands, he finally looked into Joel's eyes, and nodded sadly.

"Yeah, but it isn't important...I'll get over it. I don't like em' anyway," he explained, almost bitter, but tough as nails.  _I sure hope he ain't learned that kind of animosity from me...but where else could he have gotten it from?_

 _"_ So, they  _have_  done something to you..." Joel questioned in a growl.

"They just said things I didn't  _like_..." he explained, consumed in his own mind.

"...Tell me what it is," he began, very gentle and slow.

"I don't want to..." Holden continued to close off from him.

"I can't make it better if you don't tell me...and I'm your Dad, I can make  _everything_  better," he promised, very seriously.

"Because... it was about  _you_!" Holden said, in a frustrated, forced whisper.

Suddenly, it clicked.

"About me, huh..." Joel mumbled incredulously, though he had expected something like this to happen eventually.

"They said...they were all really scared of you, and that you were  _older_  than the other Dad's...and a whole bunch of other stuff that was confusing..." he explained, face twisted as he tried to understand all of it, and Joel smiled sadly.

"Scared of me...well, I know a lot of people like that. And, well, I am older than the other Dad's...but what confused you?" Joel pressed, and knew that his feelings could very easily be demolished by one word of disappoint from his son's mouth.

"They said that you were...creepy, for being with Mom...because she's younger than you...and you were her father once?" he tried to desperately make sense of it in his young mind, and for a moment, he reminded Joel of Ellie whenever she rambled to understand something that was beyond her.

_They probably out right called me a pedophile...but he won't know what that means..._

"Before you were born, your mother and I lived here for a long time. We weren't always together...because, we didn't feel that way about each other yet, you see?" he tried to explain, and Holden's eyes were glued to his. "And, uh, she was pretty young. She's  _still_  young, compared to me...obviously...and, we kept our relationship a secret," Joel sputtered as he tried to explain it in a way that was easy to understand.

"People thought you were her father...but, you're my father? And why would you be with Mom if you were..." he asked, and had somewhat followed.

"It was...easier, for people to understand, if we let them think that way. One day, you showed up...so, we couldn't pretend anymore. That was one of the best days of my life... and I wouldn't trade it for the world. See, people just don't understand the circumstances, because we never let them...and they might not  _ever_  understand, but the point is, you can't let em' get you down," Joel continued honestly.

"I wasn't...sad because they had hurt my feelings...I just didn't want to hear them say things about you that weren't true," Holden tried to explain, and Joel realized that he was not in an attempt to soothe his own ego or seem brave; rather, his son cared about others more than himself, and that kind of altruism humbled Joel inside more than he had ever felt.

"You really are a special kid, you know that?" Joel had mused, with a smile on his face, and Holden allowed a small smile to tickle the corner of his lips.

_Sarah and him woulda been the perfect balance between one another..._

In moments like that, Joel could feel his son almost trying to gain his approval, almost like Holden was a guardian to his name. It confused him, and he never quite understood it...especially because Holden was so willing to open up to his mother whenever it suited him to do so.

Yes, he loved Joel dearly... but, it was there, in his eyes everyday, that Ellie was his  _world_. Joel was not jealous, but rather felt she deserved that sort of idolization from their child: their relationship had reminded him of how he and Sarah used to be...full of yin and yang, as the opposite sex parent was often closest to the children in any given family, and he was convinced that everyone should be able to feel a love like that at least once in their lifetime. The fact the Ellie could now experience that was enough to keep him satisfied, although the realization had hurt his feelings a bit in the beginning.

After all...perhaps, in the long-run, this would make his premature departure from his son's life all the easier, whenever that time should come.

* * *

It was the first snow of the year.

Winter seemed to approach earlier than usual, which Joel would normally assess as a bad omen, but  _this_  year was special. All the wood had been chopped, long ago, and he and Ellie had effectively stocked up on an eclectic collection of deer, rabbit, and squirrel. It would be a good winter, indeed...but something still remained to be accomplished.

"Dad, c'mon, you promised..." the child at his bedside begged, and Joel smiled deviously in the warmth of the blankets.

"I dunno...you sure ain't too sick?" Joel taunted, and then looked down.

"I've been fine for days... are you really not going to take me?" the child asked again, playfulness lost, and was deathly serious.

"C'mere," Joel sat up, now just as serious, and the child listened obediently, as he knew the routine well. He bowed his head for Joel to feel, and waited in anticipation at his father's response.

"You don't have to fuss over me," he grumbled softly, while his father weighed the options. Joel's eyes widened at the statement, almost hurt, but then he mused further.

_Kid's just like me, whenever he ain't chatting up a storm to keep himself occupied like Ellie._

"Well, fever's down...I  _guess_  we could go huntin' today," he stated after a moment of deliberation, and the child smiled, though that was as much of a reaction as he would receive.

When their son had turned ten earlier in the year, after a long discussion between Joel and Ellie on whether or not it seemed to be appropriate, they both finally agreed to teach him how to use a bow. A bow in Jackson, however, meant hunting only...the past few years had seen little to no bandit activity in the area, and for the first time since the outbreak, Joel realized that kids actually  _could_  be kids again. The town had undergone a metamorphosis as the older generation died off, and the younger generation continued to expand.

It was a relief, to say the least, as he wanted to raise their son with very little emphasis on weapons and violence, other than hunting or for minimal survival skills. After all, the world was still dangerous, and both Joel and Ellie were fearful that the younger generation would have little to no knowledge on how to use a weapon, so much so that it could pose as an unintended weakness.

Yet, Joel had noticed that ever since Holden had been little, that the boy had such a strong fascination with his Uncle Tommy's rifle and his mother's bow (he had yet to discover Joel's horde in the attic...) as though it was genetically predetermined that he wished to become a gunslinger.

So, when Holden had asked them both that summer, if he could learn how to use a bow to help them with the meat collection, they were almost stumped. One, because it was such a practical suggestion for a young boy to have made on his own, and two, because they realized that perhaps it was not a bad idea...

Ellie had insisted to him that it was a great concept, as Holden was a responsible young child, capable of the next step, and felt that his initiative should be rewarded. Joel, however, as much as he knew that she was right, struggled with the concept a bit more, but he realized that he would be able to sleep better in the future if he knew his son was capable of protecting and providing for himself.

"Mom, are you coming too?" Joel heard him ask, to Ellie next to him in bed.

Just last week, Holden had come down with a nasty flu, and had been generous enough to spread it go the rest of the family. Ellie had been the first to fall to the second hand illness, and Joel had just begun to feel it ease its way to him. Luckily, he still felt well enough to take Holden hunting, as he did not want to disappoint the child, and had looked forward to this day for a long time. If only he could get out of the house before Ellie would notice that he was soon to come down with the illness...

"No...I'm too sick. You gave me what you had last week, remember? Infected little monster," she teased affectionately, and Joel could feel his son roll his eyes across the room.

"You'll be fine, drama queen," Holden deadpanned back, and Ellie snickered in bed, before a fit of wet coughing overcame her.

"What if you guys come back to find me suffocated in a pile of my own mucous? Wouldn't that be something, Joel? I cannot believe your son got me sick..." she played with the dramatics...a favorite game of theirs.

"It  _would_  be pretty gnarly, if that actually happened..." Holden led in, and suddenly Ellie broke the histrionics with genuine laughter, before she pulled Holden into a tight hug, planting kisses all over his forehead. Though he was not an affectionate child, he accepted the kisses gracefully, as he knew that his mother would be hurt if he did not.

"Have any last words for your good ole' mom, before you run off with your Dad and become a man without me?" she mused dreamily, almost sad.

" _Oh_ , don't get all sappy on me. We're excited to go, Mom... I am sorry that you can't come, though," Holden admitted, almost sadly, but when he looked to his father, he perked up again.

"We'll be back in a while...you sure you're feelin' well enough to stay alone?" Joel extended to Ellie, as he buttoned his flannel shirt, and she nodded furiously.

" _Go_. Really. I'll be fine," she promised, and after he looked into her eyes to realize that what she said was true, he turned to his son.

"All right, then. C'mon, we're gonna go do manly stuff without your mother. Go ahead and get your shoes..." he told his son as a means to speak to Ellie privately, and Holden left the room promptly in excitement.

"Joel, take care of him out there. Some of the guards have been complaining about the infected getting close lately. There were some about a mile out last week..." she worried openly, because her son was not in the room to hear her fear and in turn assume that she was overly-protective.

"I know...Tommy was tellin' me yesterday. But, we'll be fine. This ain't my first rodeo, you know...you used to know that first hand. Have you forgotten that I used to be a badass?" Joel taunted playfully, and she rolled her eyes while she stifled a smile.

" _'Used to be'_  are the key words that bother me..." she admitted.

"Listen, if you have any doubts, I won't take him. I was worried too, at first...but I do think it would be a good idea for him to learn the skills. It's your call," Joel led in, and left it to Ellie. Internally, he smiled: initially, she had been thrilled that Holden had wanted to hunt, and had made fun of Joel when he was reluctant, but as the event grew closer, her instincts had kicked in.

"No...no, you're right. This is important...go ahead and go before I change my mind," she said after a sigh, and smiled.

"All right then. We'll be back," Joel called over his shoulder.

"Oh, and Joel?" she called after him, and he turned on his heels.

"Don't think for a  _second_  that I didn't notice the congestion in your chest. Go ahead, though...I know you promised him," she taunted back, and Joel almost smiled sheepishly.

"It was only a matter of  _time_  before I caught it too...you did, and you always brag about bein' invincible," he toyed back.

"Maybe so... but, my age helps. Be careful, old man. Take an extra scarf...for me, please?" she asked, and after a sigh, he nodded, and left the room.

_She keeps me young, I guess._

* * *

No sooner than they had left the settlement, Holden began to ramble on in his excitement, which was very uncharacteristic, and in response, Joel was so consumed in his own happiness that he almost could not wipe the subtle grin off his face as they hiked.

The walk to the hunting area was about 45 minutes on foot, and Holden had insisted that they not take the horses, because he wanted to take his time and enjoy everything. Joel could feel his chest tighten in the cold air, and continued to resist the urge to cough, for fear that his son would find him weak. The age, after all, had always bothered Joel, and he did not want to feel more insignificant to his son because of it.

"Mom and I were talking yesterday, about our favorite things..." he led in happily, eyes wide as he looked at the trees.

"Oh, were you now? Tell me how it went," Joel edged him on, always eager to hear his son open up.

"I dunno. Good, I guess. It was fun. I wanted to ask you some of them, actually," he admitted, and Joel grinned at him.

"All right. Go ahead. Do I get to ask questions too?" he asked.

"Dad, you know everything about me. Why would you have questions?" Holden asked, seriousness painted all over his face.

"I don't know what goes on in that head of yours all the time...you're real quiet, like me," he said with a lightness in his voice, though an undertone existed.

"Oh...sorry. I didn't know that," Holden admitted, and he could see his son's mind at work.

"You don't gotta feel bad about it...just, you know, sometimes I guess think about it," Joel admitted. He had taken steps long ago to ensure that he expressed his emotions fully to his son, even though he struggled with that in regard to other people.

"Why do you feel bad about it?" he asked, as he had picked up on his father's emotions, now intrigued.

"I guess because you talk with your mother more than me," he explained gently.

"No I don't...I mean, I physically talk to you more, I just talk to her about, you know...feely stuff," Holden tried to explain.

It was true, that he and his son spent the most time together. Joel always had him under his wing at the hydroelectric plant whenever something broke, which seemed often, and was well on the way to teaching him how to fix things. Joel had also become something of a builder in the community, as it was an activity that he could do on his own. At one point in time, only Tommy was allowed to work with him...but that stipulation now included Holden as well. The three of them had become something of a construction force in Jackson, with Holden as the young apprentice.

At times, it bothered Joel that he made a child work like that, but then he realized that not only was his son eager, but that the world was different than it used to be when he had raised Sarah. Most families worked their children in Jackson, like families had done centuries before, and he always had to remind himself that he was not robbing the child of innocence and playfulness.

"Well, why is that? Do you not...wanna talk to me about those kinds of things?" Joel asked honestly, soul laid bare.

"No, that's not it. I guess Mom is just better at forcing me to talk about things I won't bring up on my own," he said with a shrug, deep in thought. Joel actually laughed at the response.

"Yeah...you know, I can see that. Your mother's always had a way of doin' that..." he reminisced, and nodded.

"So, you wanna play or not?" Holden asked, in a change of subject.

"Yeah, I do. You go first. Ask away," Joel urged him on.

"Okay...what was your favorite song?" he asked, eyes wide.

"Uh...there was this song...the band was Led Zepplin, which was  _before_  my time, by the way...it was called 'Stairway to Heaven'. God damn, I'd kill to hear that again," he said, and shook his head in disappointment.

"Can't you play it on your guitar?" Holden inquired, deeply interested.

"No, no...much as I wish I could. My fingers would fall off, and I can only do it acoustically. I  _can_  play a bit of the beginning though, but that's not the best part of the song," he admitted with a nostalgic smile.

"All right. Do you have a question?" he asked, and Joel nodded.

"How do you and Emily  _really_  get along...? I know she can be a bit of a know it all, like her mother," Joel thought to himself, and smiled.

Emily was a year older than Holden, and they had grown close, but Joel and Ellie always worried that she might walk all over their son, because she was bossy and a perfectionist. All that being said, they loved her like family should, and accepted the flaw regardless. After all, family dinners on Sunday would be awkward if they did not, and the fact that such a deep bond had formed between all of them was a reminder that love and kinship still existed. Still, though, Joel did not want to see his son get stomped over by an eleven year old girl, just because his son was quiet and respectful of others...

"I like her just fine. She gets on my  _nerves_ , but I ignore her when it gets too bad," he said with a shrug, and Joel laughed.

"Your turn," he reminded him.

"What was Sarah like?" Holden asked. It was never a secret about Joel's life before the outbreak, and he had intentionally told Holden about his half-sister long ago, as he did not want to keep that kind of thing hidden.

"Similar to your mother, in a lot of ways. She liked to hike, and loved cheesy teen movies. Real athletic, too. Sometimes I wonder how the two of you would have gotten along," he admitted with a sad smile.

"You think we would have liked each other?" he asked.

"Yeah, I do. You're like me, and she's like your mother, so I can't help but think ya'll woulda been attached at the hip," he chuckled softly.

The two of them conversed back and forth for the rest of the walk, until Joel noticed that the woods were getting deeper, and the trail stopped. The snow began to fall a bit harder, and the increased moisture had given Joel a certain wetness inside his chest. A cough had formed along the way, though he hoped it would not get so bad that they would not be able to hunt. More than anything, he hoped at least Holden could snag a rabbit out here.

_I might be witness to my son's first kill..._

"All right, you need to be quiet out here. We're in the wild, and even though that means all the animals are here, it also means infected, and anyone who might wanna hurt us. It's a serious thing bringing you out here...I  _know_  you understand that, but I can't stress enough that things are different out here. Clear...?" Joel led in severely, and Holden gave a solemn nod.

"Clear," he replied.

The two of them stalked through the woods for a long while, crouched, and Joel explained to his son how to hunt most effectively. The bow was a bit big for him, but he was about Ellie's size when she had first used it, so Joel knew that he was capable. A few rabbits had run in front of them, and Holden had spotted them well, but had not quite mastered the aim with his weapon. Rogue arrows were scattered about, and Joel collected them while Holden moved on a bit further to search for more animals.

Then, a deer stumbled in front of him.

"Dad, look," he whispered, and Joel silently made his way toward him, before he caught sight of the buck.

"That's an eight pointer there...big fella, too. Ain't no way we can carry him back, though...he's not yours to kill today," he explained, and turned to move on.

"This is my chance..." he stopped him, and disagreed quietly, with an incredulous expression.

"Son, you wanna kill something for no good reason?" he asked.

"It  _is_  for good reason...it's practice, and it's my first time," he tried to convince him, and Joel sighed.

"You're hunting today, not killing, son, do you see the difference?" he pressed, and almost felt regret at his own hypocrisy, but refused to teach his son that kind of reckless animosity.

 _It is his first time though...would make one hell of a story. Tommy and I could probably come back and get it tomorrow...the cold will keep the meat fresh_.

"You've killed, what's the difference?" he asked, and Joel felt like he had been slapped, but respected his son at the truth of his statement.

" _You_  aren't  _me_...not entirely, anyway...can't we just move on?" Joel asked, though he felt his resolve slip.

"Dad, I  _really_  want this," Holden explained, with a face so inspired and driven that Joel sighed.

"...Fine," he said, after a long moment of silence.  _I've gone so soft._

Joel nodded forward, as a means to show Holden where to move, and he listened intently. The buck was in plain sight, and as he urged his son to move on, the urge to cough almost overpowered him, but he stifled it in fear that he would scare the prey away. Holden arched the bow, and stared for a long time, as he tried to find the best way to line the arrow for a good shot. The slowness pained Joel, and his throat clenched as he waited for his son to hit the deer, so that he could release the breath he was holding.

Eventually, Holden released the bow, and the subtle sound of the arrow going into the deer's flesh, was music to both of their ears, though for different reasons. Holden was thrilled, and ran up to follow the deer, so that he could end what he had started. Joel, however, was relieved that he could finally cough...

He hacked away, with his arm to his mouth, as he trailed behind his son.

When the coughing fit stopped, however, he looked down at his arm, and was horrified: it was specked in his own blood.

To confirm, with a furrowed brow, Joel coughed again on purpose, into the other arm, and was further shocked when a similar blood pattern soon dotted along his other sleeve.

"Dad, I got it!" he heard Holden call in the distance, but could not bring himself to reply just yet, or even feel happiness, as Joel realized the weight of whatever illness had consumed him.

_This ain't no flu..._

* * *

_I promised you all that I would follow Joel from the past to the future, and we are about to come to a close. There's only **one** way for us to come all the way into his future...as you can imagine._


	18. Goodnight: Ellie (Future)

(Ellie's Point of View)

2052

I remember.

I remember it all.

Some more than I'd care to, and others so little that I wish I had more capacity to fit it all in. As soon as I felt myself grow closer to Joel, at the start of our journey, I recall a faint, sick feeling that had started in my stomach, as a reminder of his age. It was inevitable to both of us that some day, I would have to carry on alone without his guidance. Over the years, that sick feeling only increased inside me, and although I know he felt it too (possibly more strongly than me) I did my best to never express to him how terrified I actually was to live without him.

I had promised him, so very long ago, that no matter what, I'd push on and chase happiness to the best of my ability.

Honestly, I was lucky...

Lucky that we had been given so many good years, so that he could follow me into adulthood. Lucky that he had given me the greatest possible gift imaginable in our son and allowing me to be a mother...at least, through Holden, a part of Joel was still here with me in real life.

The man I had grown to love had given me the closest thing to normalcy that I could ever be allowed to experience: a family, a sense of kinship, a community, and, of course, love.

I laugh through my tears when I consider our son: he seemed to have my imaginative, hyperactive qualities, assuming he was in a good mood, and he certainly had my eyes. Yet, Joel's brow, tense jaw, and hair color had luckily been transferred to him through genetics...as well as his taciturn, and sometimes brooding attitude, and a rather stoic, emotionless response whenever something truly bothered him to his core.

My boy...our boy, was formidable and steeled considering his age, to say the least. It did not bother me at all, as he had formed into that on his own accord, but it seemed to gnaw at Joel, especially toward the end...

At times, I was thankful for this, because Holden now served as my rock, and consistently brought me down to Earth whenever I felt the grief spread inside me, although I felt it was a burden to a boy so young. After all, I was by no means dependent on him, and I certainly was not depressed, I simply missed Joel and all that he stood for...but even that seemed to be too heavy in Holden's eyes. Any mention of him had Holden on edge, holding his breath, fists balled, a mirror image of his father, and I came to realize that I was not even allowed to muse about our time together.

_Mom, you gotta get over it. We don't have a choice_.

Holden was so much like Joel...I think it bothered Joel to know that our son had accidentally developed most of his habits. He used to tell me all the time that he wanted our boy to be happier than him, capable of expressing his emotions fully, and without hesitation. Not that there was anything wrong with that, I mean, I had come to love Joel with that...but, to Joel, it was his own personal flaw, and it bothered him more than he would admit that Holden had formed into the monster he saw himself to be.

I know Holden was, and still is, deeply bothered by Joel's death. Much more so than me, of course, because I have allowed myself to grieve and move on. For my son, however, the only way he knew how to deal with it was with absolute avoidance...I urged him to open up, but he refused, and as I had learned with Joel long ago, I simply let him brood until he was ready to open.

It is completely logical for Holden to be so upset...of course he would be... they were close, as parents should be to their children. Yet, I think now that it's just the two of us, he feels some sort of responsibility to take care of me...though I am not sure why an eleven year-old boy would take on such a burden without being led on. I know that I have not done anything to suggest that...and I am positive Joel never did, but perhaps Holden is doing his best to imitate his father's behavior.

* * *

 

I remember when I found out he was sick...

Last winter...that terrible winter, after we had all gotten the flu, I recall going downstairs to make some coffee in the morning, when I accidentally stumbled upon Joel: he was bent over the sink, hacking his lungs away with his arm over his mouth to muffle the sound...and when he turned around to catch his breath against the counter, I saw his arm covered in red. In his apparent isolation, he looked down at his arm guiltily, and shook his head, before his down-turned eyes looked up to me at the steps.

There, on the staircase, I paused, a look of anger and terror on my face. Joel's eyes widened, as he knew he had been caught, and a feeling of betrayal washed over me.

"How long has this been going on?" I accosted in a low voice, and he frowned, and crossed his arms.

"I dunno..." he simply replied with a shake of his head, bowed so that he would not have to face me.

"How long?" I asked again, and continued to walk toward him, no hint of anger in my voice, but rather a demand to be told the truth.

Eventually, he swallowed hard, and looked up into my eyes. The wrinkles around them had increased, though he still fully maintained that rugged, attractive look...and his hair was now more grey than dark brown.

"Few weeks," he simply mumbled, before he looked down again.

"We need to tell Cyrus..." I replied, deep in thought. He, too, had aged dramatically, and was some years older than Joel. We were all always glad to have him around, full of medical expertise, though he now trained two younger individuals in town to take over for him, when he too would be met with an end.

"We ain't tellin' anyone," Joel warned, eyes severe, and glared at me, as though it was a request for me to respect his wishes.

"Joel..." I intended to scold, but my voice was so full of emotion that it came out as a whispered plea. For a moment, I nearly felt tears in my eyes, but I swallowed hard to push them away, as I did not want to guilt him.

"There ain't gonna be anything that anyone can do for me, Ellie...I'm old...it's time," he simply said with a shrug, and although he tried to play if off, I could sense that he was in an attempt to soothe me.

"How do you know that? How do you know anything for sure? Shouldn't you at least put up a fight?" I began to bargain, and felt my voice get more loud, but he simply continued to shake his head.

"I...uh...I don't think this is somethin' penicillin can fix, baby," he replied softly, and chuckled to himself.

"You could still have so many good years, Joel...you don't know anything for sure," I continued in absolute denial.

"You might be right, but this is the beginning of the end, and there ain't nothin' we can do to stop that. You ain't gonna change my mind...I just, I don't want him to die with me," he said, and nodded toward the ceiling, where Holden slept upstairs.

"What are you saying?" I asked softly, as I saw tears well in his eyes.

"He ain't like you, Ellie...he ain't gonna deal with this well. I am worried about you, too, but you've always been strong. Holden...he's...he's too much like me," he began, and choked off at the end, as he took a deep breath to steel himself.

"He's not going to deal with it well, at first...but I'm sure he'll come to accept it. He won't have a choice..." I mused to myself, deep in thought.

"It's gonna take a hell of a long time. I don't want him knowin' I'm sick...he'll avoid me like the plague...and then after I'm gone he's gonna blame himself," he continued.

"He's a smart kid, Joel, I don't think he'll-"

"-he will blame himself, either way, but if he knows now, it's gonna be worse. I know he will Ellie...he's me. You should know that better than anyone," he stated, and looked more conflicted than I had ever seen him.

"I do..." I admitted with a nod, after a long moment of silence.

"I hated my father... he was a ragin' alcoholic that beat the piss outta my mother whenever it suited him. One day, when I was a kid, he just fell over dead...massive heart attack. Do you know I mourned that son of a bitch until I was a grown man? I didn't even like him...I cannot imagine how bad I would have felt if I had actually had a relationship with him, like Holden and I..." he explained, and I continued to listen intently, as I knew very well that he had a point.

"Children mourn their parents...Joel...I mean, we knew someday that this would happen...if this is even happening at all...don't blame yourself in the process," I tried to soothe as best I could.

"I did my best...we did our best...to raise him right. But...I just...never wanted him to act like me...I've tried so hard to get him to be like you, but I think he's watched me so much that he can't," he explained, which I knew to be true since the day he was born, but I could never understand why Joel took the matter so seriously.

"He is perfect just the way that he is...just like you are. Don't resent him for being like you, that isn't a bad thing," I defended my son, almost angry.

"I don't resent him for it, I just feel so fuckin' bad knowing that he's gonna experience the world the way I did. I wouldn't wanna wish that on anybody...he don't even know heartache yet, Ellie, but now I'm gonna be the one force it on him first. It ain't fuckin' fair for you, and it really ain't fuckin' fair for him, to watch me die. God damn it...it ain't fair," he rambled, with a sorrow that consumed him, and he glared at the floor.

"I don't want you focusing on that...Joel...I need you to focus on yourself right now. You need to always be present...I don't want him or I to have our last memories of you as someone who's so consumed that you're bitter at the world, " I urged, and looked for the next best solution. I was so helpless, that I could not even feel the sting of the sadness and grief just yet.

The last thing that any of us needed, was for him to be so broken about the circumstances that he was not even present for his last days...however long that could be...

"Ellie, I-"

"-stop. From now on...what I say goes, okay? I don't want you screwing up your time. We're going to enjoy you, until the end," I almost fought through tears, and realized that by now I fully agreed with him that the end was indeed near.

"What you say, goes?" he asked incredulously, and suddenly recalled the years ago that he had told the same thing to me.

A hint of a smile almost tugged at his lips, amidst the sadness, and I suddenly felt angry that he did not care about his own death, so much that he could find humor in a moment like this. Rather, he was fully consumed in how we would get on without him...my love for the man nearly busted out of my chest at that point, as though it wanted to chase after whatever was left of him.

"I'm gonna take care of you like you always took care of me," I promised, suddenly serious, and stared at him in the hope that perhaps my intensity could keep him with us for however long we needed him to be there.

"I know you will..." he mumbled sadly, distracted again.

* * *

 

I remember our last day together...

It was not the day he _died._..but it was the last time that he was fully conscious and able to talk with us. Tommy and Maria had already been inside the room to say their goodbyes, as we all knew it was only a matter of time.

Over the course of a few months, and with the change of winter, to spring, to summer (I recall the feeling of irony that I would watch him die, while the rest of the world came alive again) Joel went from simply coughing blood, to having fits of breathlessness, and had lost an almost scary amount of weight as his appetite decreased significantly, as well as his strength. Soon, he lost his ability to even support himself, and had been in the bed for nearly two weeks. Death stood at his bedside, like some ominous force, and threatened to steal him away from all of us.

Joel and I had discussed the night before that perhaps it would be a good time for Holden to say goodbye...Joel knew very well that his will and ability to live would vanish soon, and he felt certain that after he said whatever he needed to say, that he could slip away more easily. Some part of me felt myself almost unable to cope with the loss...watching someone die like this was so beyond anything I had ever seen, but I reminded myself when I needed it, that Joel was lucky to die naturally in this world.

There was never an easy way for me to describe what was happening to Holden...he knew his father's days were numbered, and yet ever since Joel had been confined to the bed, he had refused to go anywhere near the room, and would not even talk about him. It broke Joel's heart, but he understood...I found myself so angry with my son, for the first time, and nearly dragged him into the room after a rather intense fight between the two of us. Naturally, I felt terrible, but something about the stress of the situation, mixed with Holden's apathetic attitude toward Joel's last days...I just...could not hold back my wrath when he had tried to avoid seeing his father for the last time.

Joel's eyes perked up when we entered the room together: I had my hand on Holden's shoulder, and ushered him to the seat next to the bed. The look on his face was red, as he held his breath, probably scared that if his resolve broke, he would crumble in front of both of us.

"It's been a while since I've seen you," Joel accused, voice weak, but playfully as an introduction, and Holden simply shrugged his shoulders.

"I know. I'm sorry," he replied, voice robotic, not from lack of emotion, but rather having been so consumed by them that he could not say more without crumbling to pieces. Joel's eyes flashed to me, utter heartbreak in his eyes for our son, and swallowed hard.

"Listen...there ain't no easy way to do this..." he began, and Holden steeled further. There was a part of me that almost felt like an intruder as I watched the scene.

"Please don't," Holden pleaded, as he stared at his hands.

"Don't what?" Joel asked patiently, though he knew the answer.

"Don't...just don't..." he repeated. Suddenly, like something had snapped in the room, tears formed in his eyes, before he swallowed hard and furiously rubbed them away. "I'm sorry, Dad..." he added as an apology, and Joel looked like he had been slapped.

"How _dare_ you apologize... feelin's ain't something that you're supposed to run from. You're fully allowed to cry as hard as you want. There ain't no shame in it. Why are you actin' like this?" Joel pressed, almost angry, but more because he knew better than anyone what his son was struggling with.

"Because..." Holden began.

"Because _why_?" Joel urged out of him.

"I've never seen you cry! I'm not supposed to do this...I'm supposed to be _strong_!" he yelled before his voice cracked, with tears that flooded back with a vengeance, and a trembling lip.

"I have _failed_ you...so badly..." Joel choked, and in response to our son's tears, began to shake, before his eyes closed. Silent sobs wreaked his body, as the tears came down his face, and he shook his head in disappointment at himself.

"No, you haven't," Holden urged, but Joel refused to listen.

"All I ever wanted was your happiness...for you to be good and pure, like your mother. To _feel_ things without guilt... somehow, you ended up like me instead. And I can't help but wonder where I went wrong...god _damn_...I tried so hard," he continued, guilt across his worn, tired face.

"Dad, stop," he urged.

"No! No. I ain't gonna _stop_. If you ain't learned anything from me, I need you to learn today that everyone feels, son, even me and you. Don't even consider livin' your life like this...you'll kill your spirit, like I did a long time ago. Don't...don't ruin that. _Please_ , don't ruin that...life is gonna get you down, and it ain't gonna care about your feelin's sometimes, but you gotta realize that it's just the way of the world. Don't shut down, and push people away just because you feel miserable... empathy is what makes us human...you'll never, ever have to be alone...don't choose that kind of life for yourself..."

"But...it...it _hurts_ ," Holden sputtered, his sobs nearly hysterical in the way that children grieve, but Joel was thrilled for the purge of emotions, even though the sadness killed him inside, and he cried along with him, though much more composed than our son.

"I know that it _hurts_...I...I don't wanna say goodbye, son, you know that. I _love_ you, so much...and I resent that I can't be around longer for you, but I'll never leave you. Not as long as there's breath in your lungs...I ain't ever really _leavin_ ' you. Do you understand?" Joel urged, his tears finally stopped, and Holden nodded furiously.

"Dad, but...but I love you, too. I don't know why you have to go?" he continued to ask pitifully, and I felt a knife rip through my being.

"Death is natural...it's peaceful, even. I won't suffer after I'm gone...you won't have to worry," Joel promised weakly.

"But, aren't you suffering now? That's what bothers me...I don't like to watch it happen," Holden accused.

The look on Joel's face said it all, that it was incredibly painful, and that he wanted death to come quickly now that he no longer had a choice. Yet, I hoped, for Holden's sake, that he did not have the ability to read Joel as well as I did.

"I'm sorry, son," Joel simply mumbled, tears in his eyes again.

It was as much of an admittance that he was willing to give. There was something in his eyes that I read to be too much for a dying man, and I felt it was my job to save his soul, as well as Holden's, as both of them were broken beyond repair on this night. It was a much needed conversation, however, and I felt relief that Holden had opened up before it was too late.

"Honey...your Dad's tired...give him a big hug, and remind him how much you love him. I need to speak with him privately, and then he'll need to rest," I led in, and Holden rose from the seat slowly, as he assessed Joel's features, and then hugged him softly for a long time.

It lasted, and lasted, and though Joel did not want it to end, I saw him finally open his eyes.

"You gotta let go, okay?" he said softly, into Holden's neck.

"I don't wanna let you go," Holden sobbed again, and Joel's expression twisted into something so pained, that not only had I never seen it, but it hurt me.

"You have to...I'll still be here in the morning. You can come and see me then...after you feel better. I promise you I won't leave before then...I swear," he urged, and slowly, albeit reluctantly, Holden let go, before he turned to me.

"Go ahead downstairs with your Uncle and Aunt..." I urged, and, with a final look at Joel, he closed the door behind him.

"God damn..." was all the Joel could say, and I smiled softly before I went to sit next to him.

"He's such a good kid...he didn't want to disappoint you," I stated the obvious sadly, and Joel nodded.

"The fact that he ever thought I'd be disappointed in him is what bothers me...I obviously never made that clear enough before," he said, and cringed at himself.

"You did, Joel, but that doesn't prevent him from feeling it..." I suggested lightly, and after a moment of deliberation, he nodded.

"I'm so fuckin' old, and so fuckin' tired...but I don't wanna leave. Not yet..." he explained.

"I know..." was all I could say, even though I knew it was a lie: he was in pain, and death was so close to take it all away.

"I didn't...prepare a speech for you, like a did for him. I know you wouldn't want that..." he began, and almost smiled.

"A speech? I didn't know that was preconceived," I admitted in surprise.

"You know I ain't the best with words..." he chuckled to himself. "Ellie...I, uh, I do have a question. But that's it...just a question..." he said.

"Go ahead," I began.

"Have I...made you happy, at least? I know things ain't always been easy, or perfect-" he started.

"-you have made my entire world, Joel. I don't have to tell you anything else," I said, ever truthful, and almost stern. After a moment, he looked into my eyes, and nodded.

"You're an amazing mother, Ellie...thought you should know that. You ain't gonna have a problem raising him," he said, and I almost flinched. That was something that I had always worried about, although I had never fully expressed that fear out loud.

"I just wonder...if it's going to be enough for him. You know...just having a mother. There might be things that only you could-" I began.

"-you will not have a problem. My mother raised me and Tommy after my father died, and I raised Sarah alone...you'll be fine."

"Maybe so...but your father wasn't a good man, and Sarah never knew her mother. It's bound to be a little different, knowing that he's going to miss your love in a way that I can't fill by myself..." I admitted, sadly, though I did not want to upset him.

I did not need advice, rather, I just needed to express myself.

The urge to say it, however, was extreme: my very best friend, lover, and partner would be gone in a matter of days, and if I did not share my insecurities now, I would never have the chance. Although I knew I would be okay after he was gone, as I did not have a choice, to contemplate a life without him, when he was all that I had ever really known, terrified me beyond belief.

"You're just worrying, like a good mother should...but I understand that you're scared. Hell, I'm scared too...I ain't ever really believed in anything, but should some sort of afterlife exist, I sure don't wanna have to own up to my actions," he admitted fearfully, and I was shocked.

"You're still the best man I've ever known, Joel..." I promised, and he looked at me doubtfully, always humble.

Suddenly, an almost glassy look appeared in his eyes.

"If I never get the chance to tell you again...I love you most. I know you always felt a out of place, because you weren't first, and because I was so much older...but, in all the women that ever came into my life...I have _always_ loved you most. There's never been any comparison," he choked, moved by his own words, but I had never seen him act in such a way...it was almost dreamy, like his conscious mind was slipping away.

"Joel, stop..." I suddenly said, but he shook his head.

"No...I don't ever want you to doubt that when I'm gone," he insisted, but I was not sure if he knew the weight of his words.

"Joel...how could you say that?" I asked in disbelief, worried that what he had said was true. Immediately, he smiled.

"The ghost of Sarah's memory has been hauntin' you for a long time...and even though the love a man has for his children can't compare to the love he feels for anything else...I want...I need... you to know, that you did. You didn't just start out as a romantic interest, Ellie...and Sarah would kill me herself if I didn't tell you how I honestly felt."

"Joel..."

I felt very out of place, especially having understood the weight of his words, because I understood parenthood now. There was no way I could even compare Joel to Holden, although I loved Joel very much...

"Don't feel like you've robbed her of anything...she's standing right there, waitin' for me," he continued.

_Is he...slipping away... delirious?_

"It's good to see you, baby girl," he said to the far side of the room, but when I looked over, there was no one there.

Suddenly, I felt sick inside.

The words he had just used had meant the world to me, although I had felt them to be inappropriate, and I could not believe them fully...as they were the words of a dying man. The real Joel would never have said anything so risky like that...it was in that moment that I felt I had truly lost him. Long ago, I had read somewhere that people close to death had vivid hallucinations that only they could see, and this realization killed me inside. It was a sweet and innocent gesture, nonetheless, but it was so uncharacteristic...

Joel continued to gleam at the invisible girl in the corner, and I forced myself to get up from my seat, as I sobbed quietly, face twisted into some unrecognizable mass of skin and brackish tears, to kiss him on the forehead.

It was safe for me to cry, because I knew that he no longer had the capacity to judge me harshly, or worse, pity me.

"Goodnight, Joel..." I finally said, before I tearfully left the room and closed the door behind me. I felt the dark symbolism of my actions consume me; I sank to my knees in my own privacy, on the other side of the door, and felt the heaviness in my chest take over for a few minutes.

Somehow, our roles had changed significantly in the past few months, and yet this instance sealed the deal. Long ago, he had warned me how painful old age and death could be, but I had ignored him, consumed in other interests.

Yet, now as my heart broke for the man who no longer held a full grasp on this world and the next, I understood what he had meant.

I would never get the chance to talk to him again, although he lingered for a few days in a trance-like state, as he came and went, before suddenly he stopped having moments of consciousness all together.

We were all devastated, to see the strongest person all of us had ever known, be reduced to a child-like, pitiful being that had no grip on reality or his situation. It was still remarkable to me that this illness could do that...and that death did not discriminate against anyone; death had no clemency or consideration for the person or the life that had lived before...only, it took without thinking. Somehow, that never seemed fair to me.

Joel had experienced more hardship than anyone I had ever known, and had made the journey of a lifetime across the country with a reckless, fourteen year old girl who I no longer knew, and yet, he had gone on, and on, and on, like he did not fear mortality. Finally, at the end, when he truly had the most to live for, it was yanked away.

It was not _fucking_ fair...but when I felt myself wallow in self-pity and agony, I reminded myself to get over it. I did not have a choice.

I will never really know how much truth was in his final promise to me, but I knew from experience, that it did not matter. I had loved him deeply, I always would, and he had loved me...to assess the real meaning of his words would involve hurt against all that came before, as it's not fair to compare, and so I decided to never think on it again.

We had given each other a happiness that we had never known, and we had saved each other.

We had built a life together, but now, it was over.

There was nothing more to consider.

_Things happen, and we move on._

* * *

 

_This was an ending out of nowhere...I did not want to drag it out. Mostly, I wanted us to feel the shock of Joel's demise just as much as Ellie and Holden would feel._

_It was lung cancer, by the way...much like cancer takes people today, where one minute you're the healthiest person in the room, and then after a sudden noticeable change, it's revealed that you only have months to live. That kind of shock is painful...and I've watched quite a few fall to its clutches._

_I've had this saved in my files for a very long time, debating how I should go about this...yet, every time I tried to change it, I could never allow myself to alter it too much...so I've decided to post this, as I realized this was as perfect a way that I could express Joel's end, without taking all of Ellie's life away, from my perspective._

_Thank you all for coming along with me on the journey...I cannot thank you enough. This was the first massive, in depth story where I had to take quite a bit of creative license to tie the ends together, and originally, about a year ago, I had thought that it might not work (I hope that it has). The interest that you've shown the entire time in this proved to me that perhaps it was a good idea._

_I've never been more attached to a fiction, and I almost did not want to let go, but I simply did not have a choice or a logical way to continue, and I knew that I had to end it this way from the very start. It's time._

_If anyone is interested, I'll certainly write more TLOU fanfics in the future, but they'll mostly be oneshots. I do have a longer story in the works, but that could take months to iron out the issues and make it into something presentable, if I even choose to take it further._


End file.
